I'm So Discombobulated I Forgot to Headline This When I First Hit "Publish Post"

This was the view from my front door this morning. Though I've been (possibly unduly) suffering at the hands of the cold, I can still appreciate good light and the romance of snow and ice.

Showering and sitting in a warm room shouldn't be a luxury, but I guess they are. I've thought about my dependency on all things modern lately and feel a bit guilty. I tend to be self-reliant to a fault (see: staying in a house by myself with no power in sub-freezing temperatures for three days), and when Tom's gone I spend the majority of my time alone. However, I'm never really alone with the TV and internets going 24/7, right?

I haven't watched the telly in three days and now don't want to. I saw that Serena Williams won the Australian Open and didn't much care, but then I wouldn't, anyway. If Dinara Safina had pulled it off, I would be pretty sad to have missed that.

However, tomorrow Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer meet up for the first time in a hard court Grand Slam final so, you know, I really really want to see that, but I don't want to impose on anyone to do so.

So, from my keyboard to the God of LG&E's ears, may I please have my electricity back for the Australian Open Men's Final? I'm not asking for much, I don't think.

Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz

I finally made it out of the house on my own. All hail the Pina Colada (our Ford Escape), a vehicle whose name is truly appropriate.

I feel a bit silly, really, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz when Glenda tells her she always had the power to go home. I spent hours shoveling snow yesterday knowing that I would be desperate, eventually, and I couldn't even get the whole driveway done (it's long, let me tell you). Nice to know now that I needn't have bothered but, ermm, all's well that end's well.

I am not big on posting pictures of myself (in fact, I hate the one in that right hand column there... they made me do it), but I am delirious enough to think you might find it amusing to see how I spend my evenings reading by headlamp... spelunking my way into the world of Charlaine Harris... cold hours warmed by Eric Northman, THE GREATEST VAMPIRE EVER.

Meanwhile, Tom is doing outdoor shows in 100+ degree heat. It's kind of funny (sad?) that we're both living such extremes at the moment, half a world apart.

Time to go buy peanut butter and jelly...

Survivor: Crestwood

Well, I have no power. I am using the snow as a freezer. I have fires going. There are lots of blankets involved.

I have been... shoveling.

It's 24 degrees outside and some friends have rescued me for a moment and whisked me away to Panera, but it feels so germy and claustrophobic that I don't know if rescue is the right word.

Anyway... I'm just writing to say I'll be back with more randomness and MMJ doing things in places where it is not freezing and there is electricity sometime... soon... I hope.

In the meantime, here is a photo of them at their last show opening for Neil Young in Melbourne.

photo by Eric Mayers.

Oh... I just realized this is my 500th post. Whee. Brrrr...

Rediscovering Old Loves - Fake Plastic Trees

Radiohead - New Music - More Music Videos

"But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run."

Even though Alicia Silverstone called this song "complaint rock" in Clueless (yes, I pulled that from my memory), I just think, gosh, what an alive song.

My Morning Jacket in Oz - Tom the Tour Guide and Other Assorted Randomness

Some slightly old but definitely not stale words from Tom as he and the band explore Australia... followed by some random photox.

"Wednesday we rode the City Cat down the Brisbane River to the Gallery of Modern Art. The free admission included an exhibition of Australian artists' work titled "Optimism". The collection is beautifully laid out, kid-friendly (for the most part) and absolutely mind-blowing. Highlights were Del Kathryn Barton's "I Am Flesh Again", Jan Nelson's "Walking in Tall Grass", Patricia Piccinini's Vespa inspired sculptures and Kathy Temin's "My Monument: White Forest", which was literally a white forest of towering stuffed, plush trees. We were surrounded by children's groups that were coloring, singing along with songs about swimming and building with neon shapes in a black light room.

Next door to GOMA, the State Library of Queensland was hosting the Game On exhibit,
touting "play your way through the history of video games." We waited an hour to play the Star Wars arcade game (the vector graphics hold up remarkably well), rediscovered the addictive Discs of Tron, and challenged each other to a few fighting games... the original Virtua Fighter is hilariously bad and a play through of several classics of the genre just reinforces how awesome Street Fighter II Turbo really is. Hadouken, Brisbane! And thanks for the memories."

And now for some random photox courtesy of Eric Mayers and Tom Blankenship...










You can read other MMJ in the Southern Hemi posts here.

The View From My Window - Let It Snow Edition

Okay, obviously the dog is not outside my window or anything.

Best day ever. I mean, as long as it only lasts a day...

More from Australia (where I am clearly not) later.

My Morning Jacket in Oz - Feeding Time Edition

How freaking adorable is this? Just when I think they can't send me anything cuter... Dave Kissner and Jim James spend some quality time feeding the 'roos. No boxing was involved.

More from Australia coming later. Sorry for the delay, but I had to work and fly home and stuff. Apparently I'm going to be iced in for the next couple of days, though, so I'll have plenty of time to post Tom's report from Sydney... which is also... late... since they're in Melbourne now (where Rafael Nadal is, too, damnit).

Catch up with all the goings on down under here.

(photo by Eric Mayers)

SAG Awards - I'd Like to Thank Myself Edition

I'm watching the Red Carpet coverage before the 15th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, and I must confess I get a little icked out over the SAG awards because narcissists congratulating themselves... euw, right?

Anyway, the Red Carpet stuff could not have been more lame unless you like watching Giuliana Rancid talk about Scarlett Johansson's toes. I shuddered writing that sentence. I really did.

So on to the awards... I feel sorry for anyone up against Tina Fey for anything this year. Just give up. You don't even need to be there. Fey takes home Best Actress in a TV Comedy and then we're on to Best Actor. Alec Baldwin wins (of course), says he wants to make out with Anthony Hopkins, and thanks the cast but specifies some strange choices (Judah Friedlander). I'm officially confused.

The cast of 30 Rock just won Best Comedy Series Ensemble... this is getting boring. Jane Krakowski and her boobs accept the award, and she is not nearly as funny as Tina Fey or Tracy Morgan (who accepted at the Golden Globes).

Kate Winslet wins Best Supporting Actress Film for The Reader. Am I watching The Golden Globes again? Wake me up when this is over.

It is homage to fug dresses night. What the hell is going on in Hollywood? Guess Rachel Zoe can't dress everyone, y'all.

Best Actor in a TV Drama goes to Hugh Laurie for House. Love him! Best Actress, Sally Field for Brothers and Sisters. Guess they still really really like her. Not sure I do, though, after that boring speech. Boniva!

Does Josh Brolin seem like a huge douche to everyone or just me?

Next up is Best Ensemble in a Drama Series... and the winner is the cast of Mad Men. So many white dudes... did minorities not have jobs in the 60s? Shatner looks pissed. Jon Hamm better watch his back tonight!

Forest Whitaker presents the Lifetime Acheivement Award to Darth Vader... I mean James Earl Jones. I own his reading of the Bible on CD, but I haven't listened yet because while I love JEJ, I do not know if I love the Bible. He gives a sweet acceptance speech and barely talks about himself. Classy gent, that Mr. Jones.

Holy crap, Ernest Borgnine is still alive?! He certainly is and gives Best Actress in a TV Movie to "would you believe" Laura Linney. Alec Baldwin looks perturbed for some reason.

Paul Giammatti wins Best Actor in a TV Movie... just like at the Golden Globes... only this time he's not there.

Susan Sarandon does the In Memoriam... not ten minutes after losing Best Actress in a TV Movie. Good thing she didn't have to look happy. Cyd Charisse was so hot. Robert Prosky died? And Paul Benedict? Tear. Good ol' Patrick McGoohan. These things always make me cry.

Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor... and it's accepted by Gary Oldman. I guess nothing's gonna stop the Heath train. I was curiously saddened by his death. And I didn't just write "curiously" because Brad Pitt is now pressenting.

Damn, we're at Best Actress already? Is Kate gonna repeat her GG double win? DENIED!!! The other noms put on their happy face as Meryl Streep looks shocked as she runs down the aisle and gives a fairly fab speech. I just noticed the actor has a package. Goodness!!

Best Actor goes to Sean Penn for Milk. OMG!!! He just talked about how the actor has a healthy package! Seannie P and I are, like, totally of one mind! Sadly, the rest of his speech is a bit incomprehensible (was he dissing TV actors?), but then again, so is this post so our kismet continues.

The cast of Slumdog Millionaire takes home Best Ensemble Cast. The movie was darling but were the performances better than those in Frost/Nixon, Doubt or Milk?!!! Really?? I am rather baffled but happy enough as this will probably never happen again for them while everyone else might well be nominated again next year for something or other. Anil Kapoor makes a sweet speech dedicating the award to the kids and The End.

I have to say, there were some touching moments even though I snarked on actors and their me-dom. And, at two hours, it's a blessedly short ceremony.

Next up, the Oscars!

Joe Ely, Never Forget!

This is for Cathy and Jamie...

Please Tell Me This is Meant to be Funny - Phone Manners Edition

"People who dial a wrong number more than a couple times a year are simply careless."

"Some folks with answering machines are bothered by hangups. I think that's their hangup!"

(found via videogum via everything is terrible)

Rediscovering Old Loves - Left of the Dial

Good times driving home in Austin with the windows down, blasting The Replacements and pretending I'm 18 and cool

Okay, all of the above except for the cool part. I was never cool.

I tried to find a proper video, but that's apparently not happening so here you go. Be uncool in the 80s just like me.

My Morning Jacket in Oz - Hangin' Out Doin' Stuff Edition

Befriendin' roos

Catchin' up with Marcia Brady

Past editions here.

(photos by Eric Mayers and Tom Blankenship)

Most Excellent Things - Stare Bears and Shia

Okay, who is totally excited to see the rest of Chris Tezber's online show at 88point5? ME!

And, who is LOL'ing in a massive way at the funniest new blog to hit the internets? Yeah, you guessed it. Me.

Australian Open - Rafael Nadal is Blogging Edition

Okay, I confess, Tom isn't the only man I love that's in Australia at the moment. Though my excitement over Rafael Nadal is waning now that he's number 1 (I heart an underdog), I was excited to find that he's blogging again. You can keep up with it here and gosh, he's just precious. I dare you not to have a l'il crush after reading.

It will be interesting to see if Roger Federer can regain his footing - and I love how Fed losing his footing means not winning every darn thing. I kind of liked Novak Djokovic for a while but until he fixes his atititude, he can suck it. Hee hee.

I confess my attentions have turned to Ernests Gulbis, the Latvian up and comer who... still has some work to do, but is quite promising, and purty fun to watch.

Anyway, while I am waiting for someone in Oz to send me some new pics, I wanted to do an Australian Open post because I'm psyched about Grand Slam season starting again.

However, I still miss Justine Henin. The WTA pretty much blows without her.

My Morning Jacket in Oz - Koalas R Kute Edition

Is that not THE CUTEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN???????

Okay, well, it is to me. I'm biased, though. Unfortunately, Tom's shots of the rest of the guys with the little bearies (who are actually marsupials) didn't turn out too well due to low light conditions.

Mr. T had this to say about his already yesterday adventures Down Under:

"The Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary is self-funded, gorgeous and staffed with friendly folk. How many other places can you walk around free to pet and feed kangaroos (who I might add are quite lazy, but when people are offering you food all day just for being cute, who can blame them)? We also witnessed a territorial dispute between two male koalas, signaled by a string of guttural moaning from one, that ended with a staff member breaking it up like a high school lunchroom tussle.

Look it's a wombat sleeping with his butt in the dirt!

It's amazing how well "utes", or utility vehicles, have sold down here throughout the years. In the states we had Chevy's El Camino and Ford's Ranchero, but neither were quite so successful as their Aussie counterparts. My favorite is the Holden Sandman.

As for coffee Australian style... ordering it is a breeze with self-explanatory names like long black and flat white. Small here, like most places outside of North America, it's not the size of a Big Gulp. The iced coffee is served with a scoop of ice cream and topped with whipped cream & cocoa. Ice cream with breakfast? Yes please."

Many thanks to the Tom Blankenship for providing us with the sights and sounds (probably glad not to have the smells) of Oz. Hopefully I'll have some shots of the Neil Young shows sometime soon.

In the meantime, I hope your hearts are lifted today as we begin the next chapter in American history. It can't be any worse than the last eight years, right? I know that I, well-known as a grouch of undeniable proportions, feel like 2009 is going to KICK ASS (for reasons that kind of have nothing to do with Obama but every little bit helps, right?)!

Barack Obama's Inauguration - Live Style Edition

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Here ya goes. You can watch live online if you're stuck at work like moi.

Tom and the koala coming up shortly.

My Morning Jacket in Oz - Reach the Beach Edition

Looks like the lads are having more fun than me. Of course, I'm sitting at a desk WORKING ON THINGS so... you know...

I'm in Austin, they're in Australia. Not quite the same thing.

Here's some more photox from the indomitably spirited Eric Mayers.





I said I wouldn't be bummed I wasn't over there until they got to Japan but I must admit, I would pay to see Tom surfing. He said he managed to ride two out of the five times he tried. I hope he brings that hat home as it's purty darn cute.

More from Down Under soon. You can catch up on MMJ across the world here.

My Morning Jacket in Oz - Gold Coast Edition

I think the travelogue pretty much writes itself with this one.

First Tom wore a sheep hat, now this. I'm beginning to wonder what's next. You can check out his other adventures in the Southern Hemisphere here.

My Morning Jacket plays Big Day Out on the tomorrow that is today.

Let's Dance - You Tube Edition

T-Mobile at the Liverpool Street Station


Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker"


Is it time for a dance party now?

More MMJ travelogue action coming your way tomorrow. Or today. Lord, it really is just like I'm there!

(Thanks to Anna and Chappell of Is This Tight for alerting me to these tasty YouTube treats.)

Well, Everybody Knows...

(from f yeah sharks)

My Morning Jacket in New Zealand vol. II

I sent Tom out with the mission to take a funny picture of himself in Auckland... and this is... funny. It sort of brings to mind a cheesy album cover or something (like this --->, maybe?) Why I decided to let that one happen, I'm not sure, but it seemed amusing at the time. You know how it goes, it's late, you're at Kinko's with your friends... things get wild, man.

T's eating at Wagamama, one of our fave restaurants that we first went to in London in 2003.

Tom's dispatch from Auckland included these travel tidbits: "Pesto and bacon abound in the cuisine, most of the cars have fancy aftermarket wheels and half of those have crazy ground effects or body kits (like they're dipping their toes into the post-apocalyptic automotive world of Mad Max... okay that was set in Australia, but close enough), tips are not left on the table but tossed into a dish near the cash register, the pigeons are not fat (that must be an American thing) but abnormally large, and Ford still makes a Falcon and Fairlane that actually live up to their namesake."

I think Lonely Planet needs to hire him. I'm now even more bummed that I'm stuck stateside, but some of us have to go to Texas next week for work. Pfft.

I've asked Eric, their intrepid TM, to grab a couple shots of each show so I can continue my "there-not-there" travelogue. He's a very busy man, but we'll see what he comes up with.

Sadly, my day does not include gazing upon slender pigeons but a trip to the library (support your public library!) and Whole Foods (did you know that you can get local eggs there? Pricey but good!) are in order. Right now Chuck Todd is wooing me with his statistics while I'm trying to reconcile his ensemble (light blue shirt, charcoal blazer, bright purple tie), and though it's causing me consternation, I still heart Chuckie T. Someday I'm going to look back at this and feel a little bad that I talked about CT like he's a JoBro.

My Morning Jacket plays Big Day Out today (tomorrow) then heads to the Gold Coast.

Facebook - Friends Schmends

Everyone I know is not only on Facebook, but ACTIVELY INVOLVED.

And I'm not just talking about my twentysomething girlfriends (of which there are two. I am over women in their 20s but that's another post) or my teenage nieces, I'm talking about my close friends who are in their 30s, 40s and 50s.

Oh yes, I have one 51 year old bud who gifted me with several sea animals and plants. I have other pals who won't ever email, but will FB message me on a regular basis. I've taken quizzes that involved stick figures depicting blockbuster films and tests to find out what kind of friend I am (not a very good one, apparently), and I refused refused refused to get sucked in. Until now.

Now I'm on there all day with the best of 'em. Messaging, petting my Brian Williams Fluff Friend and laughing at teenage pictures of MMJ's guitar tech and my friend Jamie.

I'm on there even though my ARCH NEMESIS, the Free Credit Report.com guy, haunts me on a regular basis.

Oh, how the (not so mighty) have fallen

My Morning Jacket in New Zealand

Tom arrived in Kiwi Land yesterday, which was actually tomorrow... or something like that. I really can't get my head around whatever time it is there. I think he is asleep right now. And that it's Thursday. Or next week.

Anyway, you'd think he would be trekking the mountains! Hanging with Gandalf! Seeking out the fiery pits of Mordor. But no... apparently he's in some kids' shop trying on sheep hats.

Yes, that's my husband wearing a furry hat... with a sheep face on it. I told him Jim should get it and wear it to the show tomorrow (today?), but seeing as it's Summer there, maybe not so hot. Or too hot, rather.

He did go to the tallest building in the Southern Hemisphere (Sky Tower) and Waiheke Island, so though I make fun, it looks like he actually did some purty cool stuff.

(Thanks to Marc Janowitz for sending me this gem. Tom did bless my posting this picture which I find amusing.)

Whoa, Nelly! Gossip Girl + Asians (Apparently) = RACISM

I'm sitting here watching Hillary Clinton's Senate Confirmation Hearing for Secretary of State, and I thought what better time to write about race relations on Gossip Girl?

Racialicious made a deal about Chuck visiting an opium den and possibly an Asian massage parlor and THEY WERE NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. I don't know. I find it hard to muster any outrage. I mean, he's Chuck Bass... and he was in Thailand. I kind of figured, where the hell else would he go?

However... I do have to complain about Nelly Yuki. Racialicious was annoyed that the old Asian character (who apparently left the show to go back to Brown University and study neuroscience - why aren't they making a deal about that being stereotypically Asian?) wore headbands because somehow that was stereotyping us. Err... does the writer watch the show? Did they look at Blair much during season one? Queen B made headbands famous on the Upper East Side, dahlings... and we're surprised her loyal minions did the same?

So, back to Nelly... I am not bummed that she is Asian and nerdy. I am bummed that she wears tragically ugly glasses and has no backbone.

I don't mean to knock Racialicious because I think they do good work, and I follow the blog. However, I think if we get to a point where we start getting up in arms over every little thing then we won't have any credibility when the real slights happen. I'm sure you can make an argument for marginalization on TV contributing to marginalization in real life, but seriously... if we're thinking that deeply about Gossip Girl, I think we have other issues. Also, on that show money is the class divider, not race.

Anyway, how about that Rufus/Lily twist last night?!

ps. I read yesterday that Vanessa Hudgens auditioned for the role of Leah Clearwater in New Moon. I would like to officially start the protest on that one. Oops, someone already has!

(photo found at i luv gossip girl forever. yes, it's true)

Confessions of a Teen Idol - Women of America Unite for Christopher Atkins!

My goodness this show is BRUTAL. Our "beloved" ex-teen idols must face a focus group of ladies in the second episode of VH1's new celebreality nightmare Confessions of a Teen Idol, and it is a bit harshies to watch them talk about how Billy Hufsey has chia hair and that Adrian Zmed looks good for "someone pushing 60" (he's 54).

They were hardest on the dude from Baywatch (whichever one is 27 but looks 40 and played David Hasselhoff's son), but he seems like one of the biggest jerks of the bunch so whatevs. In fact, both Baywatch dudes seem a bit douchey (the other one is named David Chokeme or something).

The guys are PO'ed and do a lot of grumbling about how "it's about what's inside!" Yeah, right, dudes. What planet do you live on?

Anyhoodle, the big winner of the focus group agony is Christopher Atkins, who is also the most sympathetic of the lot. They liken him to Robert Redford and seem thrilled to watch clips of The Blue Lagoon.

Next up is a reality check from Jen Rade, celebrity stylist to Angelina Jolie and others. She tells Baywatch Douche #1 (okay, his name is Jeremy Jackson) that his hair is Fabio-esque and seems appalled by Adrian Zmed's entire outfit. Good Lord, Jamie Walters CAN NOT BE THIS CLUELESS! You do not go from talking to angels to putting on a flannel shirt and saying "this is dressy!" She rips Eric Nies to shreds and he replies, "This is who I am." I'm sorry. Apparently I am the only person on Earth who doesn't know who Eric Nies is. I hated The Real World from Day 1 and never saw The Grind. So sue me!

The guys go shopping at Lisa Kline, and I have to admit that Nies' resistance to all things trendy actually made me laugh. Not out loud or anything but totally on the inside.

I'm not even going to discuss their spa and salon visit... Eeeee.

Makeovers done, Rade inspects the lads and tells Jackson that he went from "porn star to pop star." I'm a little disturbed that they all came back wearing Converse as if somehow Chucks are the new fountain of youth.

This is an epic journey we're on, friends. It's you, me and Jamie Walters' new jeans. We're all gonna make it. We'll all be in the spotlight again.

The Golden Globes aka The Night of 30 Rock, John Adams and Slumdog Millionaire

I hope you have a few minutes... I mean hours... Okay, here we go...

The show is off to a rocky start as screwed up audio forces Jennifer Lopez to yell at everyone, "Mama's talking!" Seriously. She said that. Best Golden Globes opening ever!

Kate Winslet wins Best Supporting Actress for The Reader. I told you everyone loves a naked Kate. I guess this means she won't be winning for Revolutionary Road. Kate goes on and on, but everyone forgives her because, let's face it, she's Kate Winslet.

Next up is Bruce Springsteen who beats out Clint Eastwood for Best Original Song, "The Wrestler." Bruce talks about how awesome it is to kick Clint's ass. Sort of.

Someone needs to fix this audio. I hear loads of chatter and clinking glasses.

Aww look, there's Demi and Ashton blowing kisses to Rumer.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television (geez, what a mouthful) goes to Tom Wilkinson. He's distinguished, he's English, of course he's going to win. He played Ben Franklin in John Adams. I mean, in the movie John Adams. That other sentence sounds like porn. Was John Adams the sequel to Patch Adams?

And Best Performance by an Actress etc etc Supporting in TV goes to Laura Dern for Recount. She's come a long way from Mask, that one.

Eva Mendes appears to have borrowed Anne Hathaway's tablecloth...

Best Performance by an Actor in a TV Series goes to Gabriel Byrne for In Treatment (which I haven't seen but heard it's quite good). He's not there, but here's a link to a stalker picture I took of him at one of my fave restaurants in New York.

Best Performance by an Actress goes to Anna Paquin for True Blood. The Golden Globes may have just lost me, and I really like that show, but her overdone southern accent GRATES. Plus, I just never wanted to see the little girl from The Piano naked, which is probably unfair to her since she's like 26 now.

Drew Barrymore's tongue piercing is really distracting me. It's kind of freaking me out.

Ricky Gervais is drinking beer, shushing people and being funny. "The trouble is with holocaust films, there's never any gag reel on the DVDs." Cut to Jay-Z and Beyonce laughing (along with everyone else).

Wall-E wins Best Animated Feature. No surprise there. Too bad JoBro had to present it. I know it's easy to say those guys bug, but really, chafe city.

Ahh, it's my old boss Johnny Depp. How does he not age? He gives Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy to Sally Hawkins for Happy Go Lucky. Wait. Mike Leigh made a comedy? People applaud wildly although I suspect they have no idea who she is. Or maybe it's just me.

Drew Barrymore is apparently having more fun as a blonde. Or more drinks. Perhaps she is just high on life AND TONGUE PIERCINGS. She and an equally giggly Jessica Lange present Best Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television to John Adams. Called that one.

Heath Ledger, of course, wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. That was the oddest list of nominees I've ever heard. Strangely, they cut to Will Arnett (not nominated) like three times.

Waltz with Bashir takes Best Foreign Language Film. The animated film about the Lebanon War looks incredible. Ari Folman, the Israeli director, dedicates the award to the babies born during the four year making of the movie and says, "I hope that one day when they grow up and watch this film together and they see the war that takes place during the film it will look to them like an ancient video game that has nothing to do with their lives whatsoever."

Apparently if you have anything to do with John Adams you're going to win an award as Laura Linney accepts Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television.

In the first of what could be a sweep for Slumdog Millionaire, Simon Beaufoy picks up Best Screenplay - Motion Picture. Unfortunately, no screenwriter will ever have an acceptance speech as great as Emma Thompson's when she won for Sense and Sensibility.

Alec Baldwin wins Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy for 30 Rock and thanks his daughter Ireland but does not call her a rude little pig.

I'm not even going to talk about Renee Zellweger because a) I'm speechless and b) I hear she's very nice.

Seriously, what did I say about John Adams? Paul Giamatti just won Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Tom told me Tom Hanks didn't thank him when they won Best Picture. That Tom Hanks sure is ungrateful (and he is so NOT Robert Langdon). I met Tom Hanks once at a Hole show. How random is that... not really since it was at the Viper Room when I worked there, but who knew he was a Hole fan?

Best Television Series - Comedy or Musical goes to... John Adams!! Just kitten. 30 Rock takes the prize and oh cool, there's Will Arnett again. Tina Fey has... possibly against her better judgment, but it turns out well even though he thanks Jeff Zucker, the CEO of NBC after the lady at craft services who makes the tacos... let Tracy Morgan accept for the show as the face of post-racial America. "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!"

A.R. Rhaman wins Best Original Score - Motion Picture for Slumdog Millionaire. They're two for two and we have our first thank you to God.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy goes to (please Lord not Debra Messing or Mary Louise Parker) Tina Fey for 30 Rock. Quelle surprise and well deserved. Fey goes after haters on the internet so maybe next year if Messing or Parker win they can shout out, "Linda Park you can suck it!" Then I would love them forever.

Steven Spielberg is giving a lecture on the History of Film or something after receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award. Drew Barrymore and her tongue piercing are very excited.

Oh God, it's Emma Thompson I love her so much! She and Dustin Hoffman present Best Director - Motion Picture to Danny Boyle. I TOTALLY WROTE THAT SENTENCE BEFORE THEY ANNOUNCED IT. Three for three. Trainspotting is still one of my fave movies ever. A Life Less Ordinary, not so much.

I swear the rate of off the shoulder dresses is like 20-1 tonight.

Colin Farrell wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy for In Bruges. Does this mean I have to see it? I bet my friend Cherie is happy now.

Time to eat my words about Kate Winslet. Has any actress ever won in both categories in the same year? Why yes, two. Sigourney Weaver won Best Actress for Gorillas in the Mist and Best Supporting Actress for Working Girl in 1989 and Joan Plowright won Best Supporting Actress for Enchanted April and Stalin in 1993. She takes Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama for Revolutionary Road. And goes on and on again... in a charming sort of way.

Mad Men wins Best Television Series - Drama. The cast may die of lung cancer but at least they were sharply dressed on a quality show, right?

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama goes to the comeback rather older kid, Mickey Rourke. He trips on his way to the stage then sticks his hand in his pants and whoa!, guess there's no time delay on this show as we all get a glimpse of director Darren Aronofsky's middle finger. Mickey thanks his dogs. (WHAT DID I TELL YOU!) I kind of think you have to dig a dude who thanks his dogs.

This post is now 1,344 words long. I blame the extremely wordy categories. I swear I regularly worship at the altar of word economy. Although really, is anyone still here? Hellooooo out therreeee...

Whew. The last award - Best Motion Picture - Drama. Goes. To. Slumdog Millionaire. Four for four and the half of the audience that's seen it is on their feet. And hey, Anil Kapoor got to meet Tom Cruise!!!!!

Goodnight everyone. Thanks for reading! If you missed it (and can stomach more), you can read my red carpet snarkage here.

The Golden Globes - Yes Virginia, There Is a Red Carpet

**WARNING... THIS POST IS A) LONG AND B) CONTAINS AN UGLY BETTY SPOILER, BUT IT IS ALSO C) TOTES ENTERTAINING, Y'ALL!**

Okay, maybe not, but here we are and it's hard to believe it was only a year ago that we were tortured by Billy Bush announcing the winners at a celebrity-less strike destroyed 2008 Golden Globes "ceremony." I'll spare you the very obvious Bush/torture joke, but man, I'm still repressing the memories of that night.

I've been watching the E! Red Carpet coverage for about an hour now, and usually these evenings start with me full of joie de vivre, ready for some hot award action but when all is said and done, I'm generally listless, crabby and fairly nauseated by all the self-congratulation in the air.

However, seeing as I've already watched Debbie Matenopoulos lick a model's face while she got a pepper mask (it's organic! It's edible!) and refer to Chanel couture as a "Vampire wedding dress," I think we're off to a smashing start.

So far, they've only been interviewin' foreigners (don't they know that showing up on time is UNCOOL), but representing Australia is Ryan Kwanten (with clothes on), England, Ricky Gervais (self-effacing as ever) and Ireland, Jonathan Rhys Meyers (still totally ruined for me because of Velvet Goldmine).

They just announced that Ashley Jensen is leaving Ugly Betty. BOO!!

Oh look, it's E from Entourage. I got suckered into thinking Kevin Connolly was cute for about half a second then he started dating Nicky Hilton and, you know, yick. Also, those dudes are girlier than the ladies of Sex and the City.

Jennifer Morrison (from House) is wearing Oscar de la Renta and still looks weird as a blonde.

She's followed by Jesse Spencer, her ex-fiance. Kind of amusing. Kind of sad that I know this, but even Tom recently referenced some wedding magazine they were on the cover of. Speaking of Tom, he leaves for Australia tomorrow... the land from whence Jesse Spencer came. Don't you just love when it all comes full circle? (Actually, technically he's going to New Zealand then Australia, but that would have ruined the bit.)

Rumer Willis is this year's Miss Golden Globe. She's getting prettier and doesn't seem too traumatized by having Ashton Kutcher as a stepfather.

Ooh, the cast of Slumdog Millionaire. How come English teenagers (in this case Dev Patel) always sound more intelligent than American (R-Patz excluded)? Freida Pinto is a babe and wants Jack Nicholson to be her lifeline. Anil Kapoor wants to meet Tom Cruise (how nice that someone still does).

Alec Baldwin is blowing bubbles and his hair is looking quite... steely. Last week's 30 Rock was one of my fave episodes EVER. "Thank you for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post!"

I find it hard to believe that Eva Longoria can breathe in her Reem Acra dress. Now she's trapped by Aaron Eckhart who asks her if she's drunk (okay, those weren't his exact words but it sounds funnier that way).

Is there a red carpet event that Debra Messing won't go to? Just wondering.

Oh look, another Aussie! Simon Baker... and Jesse Spencer... and Ryan Kwanten... have made me re-think blonds. I really resisted the lure of SB for a long time, but I just lurv The Mentalist.

Oh GAG, why are The Jonas Brothers here??!!! WHY?!!

Also, why is Evan Rachel Wood here? Oh, she's in The Wrestler. I hear she's dating Jason Segel now. That's quite a change from Marilyn Manson.

Kevin Nealon just told Giuliana DePandi, I mean Rancid, I mean Rancic, that his two year old is producing the GGs. She did not look impressed.

Susan Sarandon is wearing Stuart Weitzman shoes. God, I used to love her. Then came Elizabethtown... and the wrap party... and a song about Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

I've dumped Ryan Seacrest for the hi-def waters of NBC. Unfortunately it's the hi-def waters of JoBro. I CAN'T ESCAPE. Oh blargh... it's Nancy O'Dell.

I fast forwarded to Rainn Wilson. Did I ever blog about how I saw him at Ammo once, and I couldn't figure out who he was? I thought he was someone I worked with in the music biz and then, well, my friend George corrected me. Boy did I feel stupid!

Peter Gabriel is here representing former members of Genesis who now write milquetoasty songs for animated films. But Pete's just tryin' to save the world, yo.

America Ferrara looks lovely, but I have to say I am uber sick of Betty's braces. Who works as the assistant to the Editor-In-Chief of a fashion magazine for three years and doesn't pluck their eyebrows? Seriously. Ferrara's normal palor serves only to accentuate O'Dell's creepy orange fake tan.

OH MY GOD IT'S TIKI BARBER!!!

Amanda Seyfried does not appear to be a rocket scientist. Good thing she's so beautiful (and she can sing!). What do people like me who are not transcendentally beautiful OR geniusly smart do? We blog and make snarky comments about those who are... and hope that someone... somewhere... chortles just a bit.

Is this the longest red carpet in the world? FF is my new BFF.

I'm really not into Blake Lively's dress. Her hair looks beachy and rad, though. She brought her dad (who played her dad in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), but no Penn Badgley in sight. LET THE RUMORS BEGIN!

I'm starting to feel sorry for Aaron Eckhart. All he's done so far is talk about Heath Ledger (I mean when he wasn't asking Eva Longoria if she'd knocked back a few). The cold hearted LP will admit something kinda goofy here... I actually shed a tear when he won Best Supporting Actor at the Critics Choice Awards.

Guess who's being interviewed alongside Beyonce? Sigourney Weaver. Yeah! That's not an odd couple or anything. Sigourney says she wants to dance like Beyonce. I bet she wants to climb the rope. Fabulous!

Zac Efron just heard that Dustin Hoffman was waiting for Zac to finish his interview because he's up next and Efron replied, "Let's hurry up. He needs this." Speechless. Granted, I grudgingly admit it seems more like young Zac was tongue-tied, but still...

Drew Barrymore pierced her tongue and for some reason it's made her annoying. Or was she annoying before and I never noticed? Never Been Kissed, never forget!

Oooh, Jeremy Piven's here. I guess dangerously high levels of Mercury don't preclude you from going to awards shows. Or Thailand. Or hitting on waitresses. Tool. We used to get our brows done by the same person. True story!

For some reason this is the night of the anti-cleave. Everyone's got boob smashing dresses on. I don't get it.

Hayden Panettiere looks real psyched about presenting with Zac Efron. Maybe she heard he dissed Dustin.

Steven Spielberg, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and Will Arnett are being interviewed by Nancy O'Dell. Nancy is totally blocking Spielberg. And scene.

Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr and Sting are being interviewed by Nancy O'Dell. Nancy is totally blocking Cruise. And scene.

Thank God this thing is starting in five minutes.

And thank God Salma Hayek is here to bring in the boobs.

I'll be back later with show coverage. It will be long. It will be painful at times but by God there will be DRAMZ!

(If you're not sick of me yet, you can peruse my show coverage here.)

The Day of the Sun Is a Busy One

The Golden Globes and all their superdeluxe pageantry air tonight on NBC. I'm very excited to spend five hours liveblogging all the excitement, madness and glory that is the FIRST BIG AWARDS SHOW OF THE SEASON.

I don't mean to diss The People's Choice Awards or The Critics Choice Awards, but let's get serious.



Okay, now that we've gotten serious...

I have to tell you that recently these two Google searches led people to my little bloggy:






"explode bust video dress red hair yellow cleavage sneeze" Err... yes, okay. Amazingly, I'm the first hit.






"Who created Linda Park?" I wish I knew!

Alright, I'm off to The Gap (I really lead the most exciting life ever).

Check back tonight for red carpet and show coverage!

The 14th Annual Critics Choice Awards - Let Awards Show Season Begin!

Much has been made on the internets about Anne Hathaway's Critics Choice Award speech. (She won Best Actress for Rachel Getting Married. I have no idea why. Have you seen that self-indulgent piece of poo?) No one's talking about the content of Anne's rambling thank you to everyone on the planet, of course, or the fact that she has a tablecloth stuck to her dress. Instead they're discussing Angelina Jolie's supposed bitchface at Anne's rambling thank you to everyone on the planet. I don't think Jolie had bitchface. I think Jolie had Jolie face. It seems sad but true that she is just cooler than the rest of us.

That said, I cannot believe I didn't cover this gem of an awards show! So many classic moments full of question and wonder...

Why did Virginia Madsen carry her evening bag onstage with her when presenting Best Foreign Language Film with Chris Noth? Was there really have no one that could hold it for her? And why is Mr. Big no longer Mr. Hot? So sad.

Kate Winslet won Best Supporting Actress for The Reader and she wasn't even there to accept. Everyone loves a naked Kate. Especially the critics!

Where was Carey Lowell when Richard Gere received his Joel Siegel Award?? Aren't they still married? Richard Gere seems to have the hots for Diane Lane is about the only thing I got out of that acceptance speech. That and we need to care more about Tibet (true).

Sarah Silverman looked a) strange in whatever that dress was and b) kind of uncomfortable making bad jokes. I am, however, irked that she stole my idea of wearing brightly colored Converse and a black dress to an awards show. THAT WAS TOTALLY MY GRAMMYS OUTFIT, SARAH! Seriously... I have been showing these shoes to everyone for days now.

Mickey Rourke is BACK ON TOP! And scarier than ever!! Everyone loves a comeback kid... or comeback near geriatric in this case... including me. However, didn't he used to beat up his ex-wife (he was arrested for it in 94 but she dropped the charges)? That's not too cool. He does love tiny dogs, though. We used to get our hair cut at the same salon (yes, it's true), and he would always be around with his little pooches. Goodness this makes me miss LA.

However, Rourke as The Wrestler was not enough to overcome Sean Penn as Harvey Milk.

The ceremony was full of BARACK OBAMA shout outs. Every time someone mentioned him the crowd went wild. That is, the crowd excepting Clint Eastwood and Marisa Tomei. I understand with Clint because he is a) a Republican and b) too cool to go wild, but I'm not sure about Tomei.

The big winner of the night was Slumdog Millionaire. The film took five awards including Best Picture and Best Director (Danny Boyle). I saw this movie the other night, and it was charming and starred the Indian John Mayer (Madhur Mittal - they totally look like twins). It wasn't transcendent, but I can see it being one where academy members feel good about themselves in voting for.

And finally, for some reason Rooney was the backing band for the evening's festivities. I'm not sure why as they were reduced to playing instrumental bits of their own songs and covers, but I was struck by two things: 1. Why did they play "When Did Your Heart Go Missing?" when Richard Gere left the stage? What were they trying to say, exactly? And 2. Did anyone else find it ironic that when Anne Hathaway won Best Actress she walked by her love interest from The Princess Diaries, the movie that started it all, as he strummed some chords to escort her offstage? Poor Robert Schwartzman.

Is irony the right word? Not sure.

And that is all from the 14th Annual Critics Choice Awards. I hope you've enjoyed this late late coverage as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I was going to rant about Facebook but I'll save that for later, gator.

Check back tomorrow night for my enthralling :smirk: coverage of The Golden Globes!

Sarah Palin Is Back in the Snooze

Sarah Palin participated in some documentary called How Obama Got Elected that posits, it seems, that the press stole the election? It's always someone, I guess. I mean, there's no way Obama won on his merits or anything, right?

Do we care that the media hurt her feelings when she was running for VP? I thought the only difference between her and a pit bull was lipstick? Shouldn't she be a bit tougher than this - playing victim now that she lost?

Seriously, in this day and age if you don't know that being fresh meat (and I'm not calling a woman meat here so don't even go there) while running for the second highest office in the country means you're going to come under a boatload of scrutiny and snarky internet commentary, really, thank goodieness you did not win.

I'm not saying it's right, but Palin whining about the big bad "liberal media" isn't going to change things... it just makes her look like a sore loser... unless you're a disgruntled Repub, in which case I guess it's a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions that Tina Fey said, "I can see Russia from my house."

Actually, that was kind of priceless. Let's watch it again...

The Future of Apple

I'm a bit late on this but I predict it will TAKE OVER THE WORLD, so awesome is it.

Get Obamacized Shepherd Fairey Style

Yes, you can! Here.

My Morning Jacket at Madison Square Garden vol III - Let Them Eat Cake

Can you believe no one ate this? I think we all thought it was too beautiful or something. This fab creation was in catering at Madison Square Garden. I'm still amazed. Haw haw.

The fine powers that be at Velocity have posted a little slideshow of some of my photox from the evening.

Have a look see if you're so inclined.

A good time was had by all, I believe.

Also MMJ at MSG vol I here. Vol II here.

Needle Sized Art - Finally Answering That Angels On The Head of a Pin Question

Amazing! Incredible! My eyes hurt!

(Thanks, Shane)

My (Mis)Fortune Cookie

Okay, seriously. Who gets a fortune like this? I mean, besides me? If there's a crappy fortune out there, or no fortune (yes, I've gotten fortune cookies with nothing inside), I'm going to get it. Seriously, I've gotten so superstitious about it that I never choose. I always take the last available.

Is this because I'm such a grouch? Is this some sort of fortune cookie karma? Are the Gods of Pithy Sayings On Tiny Pieces of Paper trying to tell me something?

That said, I think I see ingratitude nearly every time I leave the house so I am totally sure this one's gonna come true.

Torture American Style - Ann Coulter Edition

I woke up this morning and watched Ann Coulter on CBS' Early Show. Why do I hate myself? Seriously. However, if I have to suffer, you do, too! Hee hee!



Further to the disturbing tenor of the last 13 hours, I submit this... Richard Simmons on CNN...molesting the interviewer's foot.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Moment of Zen - Richard Simmons

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

However, I'm not all about the grody here at Velocity Central and so I offer this as a panacea for the last two clips.

Anderson Cooper hosting the first ever Presidential Dog Debate. Just when I think I could not love him any more...

Tom Is Making Dinner and I'm Watching Oprah

I swore I'd never be one of those bloggers who writes about mundane crap like what she had for breakfast because seriously, the minutiae of one's day generally bores me to freaking tears. The minutiae of my day bores me to tears!

However, I'm sitting here on the couch and yes, I'm watching Oprah and yes, Tom is cooking dinner (because I don't know how), and some nice sounds are coming from the kitchen so I thought I'd post them here because it's totally cutting edge to be sharing a Beck song (along with a weird homemade video) that came out last July. I probably even heard this song when I saw Beck at the Hollywood Bowl in September, but I was too busy being snarky about, well, the entire experience and thus probably missed it.

As for Oprah, I'm proud that she's speaking out about her fat. I would do the same but a) no one would really care and b) I'm not cool and un-self conscious like Oprah. However, if going back to Tae Kwon Do tonight after a month off has shown me anything it's that the do bok is pushing maximum density. So, Oprah and I had better get down on it in 2009.

Now it's dinner time and we're watching Superstars of Dance (I know I said I wouldn't), and the international judging panel is bagging on the Chinese dude. Bummer. Tom thinks I have a crush on the Russian judge. That might be a little true.

Rock of Love Bus Kicks Off In Louisville, Y'all!!

Meet Nikki. She raps and, uh, stuff. I think she might have herpes since her lyrics are written on the back of a Herpes information sheet. I almost feel like I do just from looking at her.

Quote of the show so far: "I'm a very spiritual person. I'm deep as well."

I think the only new show that's surviving past today on the LP schedule is Confessions of a Teen Idol. Christopher Atkins has me hooked, what can I say?

Mediocre dancers from Russia and strippers from Planet Slut can only hold my attention for so long, I'm afraid.

I heard Bret say that if he doesn't find love this time around he's giving up. Does that mean Don Dokken will be taking over season 4? In my dreams, right? Haw haw. Actually, if C.C. DeVille did it, the show might actually be kind of amusing instead of simply pathetic and disgusting.

Tom is looking for a contestant who's not totally skanky. I think he's out of luck, poor thing.

(photo from VH1.com)

Superstars of Dance Episode 1 - This Doesn't Even Rate a Witty Headline Edition

Tonight is the first episode of NBC's Superstars of Dance and Omigod! It's Pasha and Anya from So You Think You Can Dance! The judges lurv them. Even the Chinese guy!

Too bad this show is a low rent version of SYTYCD, Dancing With the Stars and... the Olympics? I mean, I hate to say it but this Bollywood number sucks compared to what Josh and Katee did on SYTYCD.



See?!!

I hope this show doesn't get canceled before it's over like that thing with George Takei. You know the one... where he sang some c&w? Then again, that would free up a lot of my time so I'm torn.

Ireland's still in the lead right now. Michael Flatley must be thrilled. I'm so glad the Lord of the Dance has returned to us.

Confessions of a Teen Idol - So That's Where Billy Hufsey's Been...

Okay, I'd never heard of this show until this morning when it premiered. Or, I think the show premiered this morning.

I'd also never heard of some of these dudes until today (the Baywatch guys and The Real World/Grind I eat raw food freak). Another thing, I never thought any of them were hot (maybe maybe Christopher Atkins, especially in The Pirate Movie. Girls of a certain age you know what I mean!).

However, none of these things kept me from watching VH-1's latest attempt to humiliate has beens.

Believe it or not, though, I confess I'm a bit fascinated. I'm a little perturbed that the premise of the show is to get these guys working again, but they only talk of getting back their fame. I mean, I thought back in the day fame was a byproduct of being a successful actor/singer/whatever. However, now acting/singing/whatever is a byproduct of fame. Grody, right?

The men (or bros as they like to call each other) are a semi-charming bunch, though. There's not a lot of dignity left when you've been to jail and/or rehab (Jeremy Jackson, who says he's 27 but looks 40), worked the cruise ship circuit (Adrian Zmed) or have gone from the Blue Lagoon to (building) the in-ground pool (Christopher Atkins).

I'm not sure who the villain is amongst this band of brothers. I'm guessing it might be David Chokachi, an ex-Baywatch babe. He's already stormed off set in a huff and he talks about how he's more than just a pretty face because he has an education but then goes on to use poor grammar in several segments.

Walking us through this maze back to the spotlight are Scott Baio and Jason Hervey. I think that sentence speaks for itself. We'll see the men in group therapy, we'll watch them get humiliated by a focus group of women, but in the end I'm sure they'll grow and learn and become better people. And in turn, so will we, right? But will they make it from the no-list to the A-list? I kind of doubt it, but they should be able to turn their stints on Confessions into a regular gig in the stable of VH-1's circus of the fading stars.

To my friend Maisy, I really hope you're watching this. I'd also like to discuss Rock of Love Charm School with you (I saw the last three minutes of the reunion special and I swear I saw that scary chick Rodeo at one of the tables). I can't believe it, but I'm going to watch the first ep of Rock of Love Bus tonight if only because you said it took place in Louisville (which will probably lead to another Why, Kentucky? post, I'm afraid). I still get hits on my blog every day from people asking "Does Bret Michaels wear a wig?" To those people, I maintain only Barbies have hair like this.

(Photo by Piotr Sikora/VH1)