Seriously?

This is a joke, right? You have to double click to be able to read, I think. The internets amaze me sometimes.

I haven't eaten in eight days. I can't wait to get my brain back. Maybe then I will return to my famous wit! I fully plan to watch the entire episode of Top Chef this week. Sadly, I am seriously burnt to a crisp on the politics front. Change is inevitable so of course we can believe in it.

Tom Cruise is freaking me out but I'm watching him, anyway,
Ms. P

You Are What You Eat

Does anyone else watch this show on BBC America where slovenly English people have a nutritionist kick their asses for eight weeks?

It's unbelievable. They put out a week's worth of food according to the participant's food diary on a table, and it is unbelievably disgusting.

I never want to eat again. It's making this third Master Cleanse I'm on go really really well.

Well, that and the fact that Tom's promised me a hideously expensive bag if I lose 20 lbs by Bonnaroo. Finally, incentive I can get excited about!

I feel ill. This is worse than watching those surgery shows.

More lemonade, please,
Ms. P

Adventures in Top Chef

Okay, so everyone and their (I mean his/her) dog watches Top Chef so I decided to get in on the action.

Tonight Bravo ran all three episodes of the new season. Yay. A mini marathon.

Here is my experience (times probably totally incorrect):

7.11 pm The contestants appear to be making some sort of vile looking Chicago style pizzas. The Australian guy uses Vegemite which sounds disgusting but the judges like it.

7.45 pm (or was it 8 something?) The contestants go a farmer's market and are only allowed to use five ingredients. The Australian guy leaves his lettuce behind but wins the challenge anyway (I think he only won because the weird science chef liked his sideburns).

8.10 pm I fall asleep and don't wake up until 10 something which means I missed everything else and am now forced to watch the Make Me a Supermodel reunion special. Niki Taylor has got to be one of the worst model hosts ever. She makes Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks look like Mensa members.

Speaking of Tyra, I just read that she and Jay Manuel fight so much they barely speak and that Ms. Banks might not do cycles 11 and 12 of America's Next Top Model. Boo hoo. Whatever the issue is, I'm totally on Mr. Jay's side!

Tea time,
Ms. P

The LP Questionnaire - Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer of Human Giant

I ran this on the SXSW Blog because Rob and Paul performed. They were so funny and awesomeness in their answers that I thought I'd re-post (and I'm also doing this because I haven't eaten in three days and I've done nothing but watch The L Word, Dancing with the Stars and America's Next Top Model. Lame-o is my name-o, but oh my God, I'm not as lame as Carlos Santana who is riffing on shoes in this Macy's commercial that's on the tely right now. Seriously, Carlos).

And without further ado... Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer take on The LP Questionnaire...

Rob Huebel is afraid of being buried alive and puts bbq sauce on everything he eats.

Rob likes the word "moist," but hates the word "moisture" and doesn't have any racist tattoos.

He is being stalked by Tina Turner.

Name: Rob Huebel
Pro Wrestling Name: Major Alchemist

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind).Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend.

In 1985, I didn't have a girlfriend. Or a drivers license. If I were smart, I would have made a mixtape with some cool traxx on it. Then I'd throw it into my boom box and ask if we could fingerbang each other to such hits as: "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy, "We built this City" by Starship and "Can't Fight this Feeling Anymore" by REO Speedwagon.

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? I think the T-1000 from Terminator 2 would be a great President. He seems like a young, dedicated machine that would never give up. And you couldn't assassinate him. So we'd save a lot of money on Secret Service.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? I watched He-man when I was probably too old to watch it. It really changed my life. I ride a tiger around now.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? I would like to be able to vomit money. That would be great.

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? Rob Huebel Thinks You Should Buy This Book, You Pussy

Paul Scheer once crashed his mother's Mercury Bobcat when he shifted the car in reverse while it was parked on a hill and he crashed into a tree.

This Halloween he dressed up as Jared from Kid Nation.

Name: Paul Scheer
Pro Wrestling Name: Agent Nova

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind). Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your
girlfriend/boyfriend.

The year is 1991 and here is my Mixtape

"Gonna Make You Sweat", C+C Music Factory - BEST SONG EVER!
"Touch Myself", Divinyls - I don't quite Understand it fully, but I know it's dirty.
"Losing My Religion", R.E.M. - I don't get it but the video is cool.
"Unbelievable", EMF - Andrew Dice Clay mixed with Music, Does life get any better?

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? GENERAL ZOD from Superman 2. He's got the outfit, the sweet goatee and the ponytail. Hell yes, I'd kneel before Zod.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Hong Kong Fuey...But looking back on it now, it seems oddly racist.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? The power

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? This Isn't Just about Making Sausage, It's About Good Ideas: The Paul Scheer Story. Basically I'd just take Jimmy Dean's autobiography and every time it says "Jimmy," I'd replace that with "Paul."

You can catch Human Giant on MTV on Tuesday nights (but knowing MTV they probably run it a hundred other times throughout the week).

Thanks for reading. The Jonas Brothers make me want to puke, but I'm sure they're very nice boys.

Steve Guttenberg survives! The Devil lives!
Ms. P

Tuesday's Question

Does the guy in that Volkswagen "Sign Then Drive" commercial have a bizarrely gigantic head or is it just me?

Seriously. It creeps me out. Sorry, dude. At least you and your big head are making money.

Monday's Question

Does John McCain keep hanging out with Joe Lieberman in an attempt to not look so short? Does he realize it doesn't work - that they just look like two short dudes?

Just wonderin'.

Homeward Bound

Tom and I begin the somewhat unwieldy trek home today. Unwieldy in that it includes some outlet shopping, an overnight stay with the mom in Dallas and then 13 hours of mind numbing travel (including a ride through the lamest part of Arkansas) tomorrow.

We had our big staff dinner last night and I did feel more engaged than usual (even though people kept kissing me on the head and taking my picture - yick), but all I can think about is a) sleeping in my bed for the first time in two months, b) seeing the dog and cat and c) sitting on my ass staring into space for a few (several) days.

In the meantime... here are some questions for today:

Why is Lipstick Jungle so bad? It's making me dread the Sex and the City movie. I don't feel like these women are successful in either their personal or professional lives and frankly, they're a little scary looking. I maintain that I like those Cashmere Mafia ladies better, but not much. What I should do is like myself the most and turn this dreck off. Bring back Designing Women, I say! Or Golden Girls!

Speaking of the Sex and the City movie, why is Sarah Jessica Parker trying to defend herself regarding this whole Maxim magazine "Unsexiest Woman Alive" title? I would be proud if. Maxim is odious.

How about those ex-prez candidates? John Edwards is still aiming for a VP nom, apparently, as he says either Clinton or Obama would make a great president and Bill Richardson is out to burn some Billary bridges as he endorses Obama today.

I don't know why E-Harmony rejected a zillion people, either. Are they the ones that discriminate against gays? If so, screw them, but I don't know that jumping to Chemistry.com, where apparently you don't get vetted at all, is the answer. Or is it?

Time to load the car. Last question for the day... why on earth am I such a pack rat? It looks like I brought my entire house down here. Eesh.

TGIGF and stuff,
Ms. P

Some Questions for Today

Why does Joe Scarborough keep talking about what people in Youngstown, OH will think of Barack Obama's race speech? Is the town populated by white supremacists or something? I saw Gil Mantera's Party Dream at SXSW and those guys didn't seem like racists to me.

Why do the Cycle 10 contestants on America's Next Top Model all look like they have zero model potential? It's kind of shocking, really.

Why did I allow myself to get sucked in to Dancing with the Stars? Furthermore, I was fully touched by Marlee Matlin's foxtrot. Or was it the cha cha? Either way, she couldn't hear the music and was better than most of the other contestants.

And last but not least... why am I not home yet?!!!

Kentucky never sounded so good,
Ms. P

Dancing with the Stars

The judges gave Steve Guttenberg a score of 6-6-6.

Some may say this means "18." I say it means Steve Guttenberg is the devil.

But we already knew this, didn't we?

Breaking News

I'm watching MSNBC and there's a Breaking News tag that says "George Bush says the economy is going to be fine." Whew. I feel so much better.

SXSW is over. It was fun. I think. I'll write something more comprehensive when my brain decides to return to my body.

I'm looking forward to resuming regular programming... writing about America's Next Top Model and other televisionary pursuits... being snarky about pop culture.

We went to see Be Kind, Rewind yesterday in an attempt to do something "normal" and it was rather not normal, rather draggy, but the end was so charming we forgave it for its middle sluggishness.

And now I must away again,
Ms. P

Yeah, Bunnies!

I hope it's ok to post this.

I hope you are well... Back to regularly scheduled programming as soon as I can, you know, stop being insane for a minute!

I miss my life,
Ms. P

The Surreal Life

I've worked til at least 2 am every night for the last... I don't know how many nights, honestly.

Tonight I went to dinner for the first time in... I don't know how many nights, honestly.

It was so bizarre to see normal people.

Now I'm watching America's Next Top Model. Do the girls seem bitchier this year? What happened to Twiggy? Is this real life?!

I still haven't watched the Project Runway finale. I know who won, though. Tom liked Rami's collection but I heard it sucked.

Oh my God, I've gone from trying to figure out if MTV can get a board feed at Vampire Weekend to watching a bunch of anorexic idiots complain about having fat asses.

This is entirely my fault,
Ms. P

Mike Frye, thnking of you...

Caruso makes me feel barfy.

The LP Questionnaire - Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend

Repost from the SXSW blog but this is a goodie... especially as it comes just in time for their upcoming SNL performance...

Vampire Weekend... the band that's everywhere and on everybody's minds might have you wondering, who is this new sensation? Who are these young Columbia University lads? Why does everyone love them? Why are theirs the songs coming from my roommate Andy's speakers?

Vampire Weekend's sound is a tasty treat... it's juicy fruits on planet earth... weekend getaways to sunsets that sunshine. They've made it onto numerous Pick Three lists and their SXSW showcase is one of the most highly anticipated of the festival.

So, how on earth was I lucky enough to get Ezra Koenig to do the admittedly dorky LP Questionnaire? Sometimes when you ask, you do receive.

Name: Ezra Koenig
Pro Wrestling Name: I've had a pro-wrestling name for a long time so i'll just put that: The Sea King

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind). Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend.

I was 15 in 1999-2000.
1. A Tribe Called Quest - Electric Relaxation
2. Beastie Boys - Sure Shot
3. The Specials - Too Much Too Young

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? I'm a firm believer in keeping evil out of public office.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? It was Muppet Babies straight-up. That's still my favorite cartoon.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? Tactile memory-transmission to promote universal understanding like the kid in The Giver.

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? This is the Autobiography of the E

If I get one more spam email about enhancing my pleasure I'm going to join a convent. Seriously. Every hour I'm reminded of Viagra (or worse). I'm not Bob Dole just yet, people. Thank God for good headphones that let me drown in a sea of music while I write pithy truths and occasional white lies in the key of LP.

photo by Steven Brahms

Galaxy Quest

I know I'm probably the only person who finds this amusing.

Puppies: The Movie

Honest to Godot, this is what it's come to. Posting puppies. I've hit rock bottom.

Regular writing will resume... I promise.

It's voting time in Texas. Go Hills!
Ms. P

The LP Questionnaire - Ben Spurr of The Coast

Re-post from the SXSW blog... partly because I can be convicted of lazy posting, partly because I'm working 90 hour days, mostly because I really like this band and want you to, too.

The great country of Canada produces some of the coolest bands... Rush, The Band, Arcade Fire, Sloan, Tegan and Sara, Neil Young and Crazy Horse... and we all know how I just love Triumph...

Along comes The Coast with the kind of sublime pop that feels so familiar and songs take you by the heart to the place where it's fall and there's a snap in the air and that cute guy/girl you have a crush on is walking you home and suddenly you're both running because the moon eclipsed and all you see are stars.

Okay, err, back to reality here. It's my lucky day to bring you Benjamin Spurr, lead singer and guitarist of The Coast.

The LP Questionnaire

Name: Ben Spurr
Pro Wrestling Name: Jack Gravy, apparently

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind). Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend.
It's 1998. I'd probably put on "Sonnet" by the Verve, "So Cruel" by U2, and "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes", by Paul Simon. She would not appreciate any of them, and then start making out with my brother. '98 was a rough year.

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? Stalin.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? I think it was Bravestarr. He was a space cowboy who policed a small town on a planet where people mined for crystals, and he had a mechanical horse named "Thirty/Thirty," like the gun. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you what a 30-30 is, you're from Texas.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? To be able to write songs in my sleep.

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? Snack Chip: The Ben Spurr Story