Live Blogging The MTV Movie Awards... Really

9.00 pm Inexplicable opening sequence featuring host Andy Samberg injecting himself into all the great, great movies of 2008/2009 including, err, The Reader. Yes... when I think MTV Movie Awards I think heavy handed Kate Winslet Nazi vehicle.

9.03 pm Naked Andy Samberg. Not naked Justin Timberlake. JT tells Andy his penis looks like Fergie. Did he really just say that?

9.05 pm First of what is sure to be many many cutaways to R-Patz! Andy's telling the audience it's okay to fart.

9.06 pm Keyboard Kat!!!

9.07 pm AS is rapping... and it's not funny. Just look at Megan Fox. She totally agrees if her bitchface is any indicator.

9.11 pm Breakthrough Performance Female goes to Ashley Tisdale for High School Musical 3. The first, well not the first but the biggest indication that we are not watching the Oscars. Sharpay is a brunette now. Crap, I can't believe I pulled out that Sharpay ref without even having to look it up. Sigh.

9.14 & 9.20 pm Oh look there's Shia. He's not carrying anything right now. The winners for Best Fight are, unsurprisingly, Robert Pattinson and Cam Gigandet from Twilight. I can hear girls screeching all the way from LA. R-Patz has a giant head, doesn't he?

9.23 pm EMINEM! He's back! His hair is freshly darkened, too, just like Sharpay! I wonder what awesome misogynistic, homophobic violent lyrics he's going to drop on us tonight. I say this and I actually kind of like Eminem. Especially the green ones.

9.28 pm This Eminem thing is still going on... Miley Cyrus is rocking out... sort of. I wonder if Eminem will diss her like Radiohead did.

9.33 pm Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell are scaring me with their Bruce Springsteen and Neil Diamond impersonations as they do the "Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions" montage with... uh... JJ Abrams.

9.37 pm Vanessa Hudgens is showing a lot of boob and looking confused as she and Jonah Hill present Breakthrough Perfomance Male to, quelle surprise, Robert Pattinson. Why don't they just call these the MTV R-Patz Awards?

9.42 pm I can't believe this thing has only been on for 42 minutes. Life force draining away by the overwhelming force of tweenage.

9.44 pm BRUNO!! Flying in on angel wings! Holy freaking cow! Showing a whole lot of booty, Sacha Baron Cohen is dropped crotch into face onto Eminem who is NOT AMUSED and is now LEAVING THE BUILDING after using the F-WORD A LOT. That was just... mind boggling. Even more hilarious is the fact that he announces Zac Efron for Best Male Performance and Zac goes from looking confused to giving some semi-heartwarming serious speechy with his extreme side parted hair.

People on Twitter are positing that was Eminem acting. Maybe so.

9.55 pm Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are here to present Best Kiss. Sandra tells Ryan if he wants to get nominated next year he needs to start kissing some dudes. Ryan replies, "Well, I kissed you." The winners are... good lord... Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Vanessa Hudgens actually looks disappointed that she didn't win.

10.00 pm Okay, I never ever thought I'd see LeAnn Rimes singing "I jizzed in my pants." I hope it's okay that I just wrote that sentence.

10.02 pm Forest Whitaker is singing "Dick In A Box." I think the world just ended and this is the spirit me carrying on with this blog post.

10.03 pm Hayden Panettiere just said the F word... several times... and rapped. She's come a long way from Remember the Titans. She and some dude presented Best WTF Moment to Amy Poehler. She swears a lot, too, in her acceptance speech. I've been on the fence about my potty mouth but that just clinched it for me. No more of this cussing business.

10.07 pm Leighton Meester looks taller when not standing next to Blake Lively. She and Lil Wayne present Best Song in a Movie to Miley Cyrus for some Hannah Montana crap. She thanks God.

10.17 pm R-Patz, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner present some exclusive New Moon clip. I'm so tired of watching KS act tense and awkward. Doesn't she have any other expression? Oh my goodness, that wolf looks like the worst CGI I've ever seen. I bet Catherine Hardwicke is secretly smirking. Maybe even not so secretly.

10.21 pm Ben Stiller is here to win the Generation lifetime achievement thingy (read: he's here to promote Night at the Museum 2). It's a bit of a mystery as to why Zac Efron, Triumph the Comic Insult Doggie and Keifer Sutherland (who seems to have recovered from his head butting incident) are presenting it to him.

10.29 pm Okay, this Doubt Sega Genesis bit actually made me laugh. Then I heard that Kings of Leon are performing and I was instantly unamused.

10.30 pm Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to you?

10.31 pm I still can't believe that Rafael Nadal lost today at the French Open. The shock is wearing off, though, leaving only a dull numb sort of pain. I think I would be okay with this if Robin Soderling didn't seem like such a douche.

10.36 pm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Kristen Stewart beat out Kate Winslet for Best Female Performance. (Tom says, "Didn't see that coming.") Yes, of course, this makes sense. Oh crud, she just thanked "my cast." Now I dislike her even more.

10.38 pm Kings of Leon are here to stink up this suckfest. How fitting. The audience looks appropriately bored. Caleb's voice sounds completely different from when they first started and yet it still makes me want to vom.

10.49 pm Jim Carrey somehow wins Best Comedic Performance. Yeah, right. We're really meant to believe a bunch of 13 year old girls picked him over James Franco? Who votes for these things, anyway?

Swearing is very in right now, apparently. I've lost count of the bleeps in tonight's telecast. Another reason to stop doing it.

I'll give it up to JC, though, for a) voice over saying they should overturn Prop 8 and b) actually saying there wouldn't be swine flu if we treated the pigs better.

10.55 pm I'm going to start screaming if I see one more commercial for this Killers concert in Indiana. However, it reminds me I need to write that Christmas song, "Are we human, or are we Prancer?"

10.57 pm Denzel Washington classes up the joint by presenting Best Movie to Twilight which was easily the worst of all the nominees. Go figure.

11.00 pm What? It's over? I can go to bed and read now? Huzzah!

11.01 pm Thanks for reading!

A Post Where I Complain... Just A Little

However, I will mitigate the complaints with some Roadside Romeo. I saw his videos at DakShin one night and haven't been the same since.

I just have to say between the dust that gets kicked up by packing and the emotional upheaval of finding remnants of one's past, tucked away in filing cabinets and hidey holes, moving really BLOWS! This is my third time in five years. We better stay at this house for a while, and I think we will. It does, after all, have a hot tub.

I also have to say that I'm in complete and utter shock watching this fourth round match between Rafael Nadal and Robin Soderling at the French Open. It's almost as upsetting as finding pictures of me when I was 30 and thin!

Humf.

This Is What Happens At 2.23 AM On A Saturday Night In Crestwood

You watch Hairspray for the 900th time and post videos of a Japanese dog doing calisthenics. Or squats. Or whatever those are.

Anyway, you should be glad it's this and not the picture I just saw of a tattoo of Jesus and Satan making out. Sometimes, oftentimes, people really make me wonder.

(video found at Jonah Ray's website)

In The Last Nine Days...

I've...

Seen Star Trek. How can something that evokes nothing but heinous memories from childhood -- brothers made me watch it -- starring actors I don't care for at all, directed by a guy I thought I'd never forgive -- Cloverfield, anyone? -- be so damn good?!!

Watched Glee. God, I hope the rest of the series is even half as good. I downloaded the pilot from iTunes and I've swooned to the ending way more than once. Now you can, too.

Gone to New York for Sam Erickson's photo gallery show thingy of My Morning Jacket photos at The Morrison Hotel. Strange to see Tom on a wall but love Sam's work.

Eaten way too many of these. Unbelievable. Seriously. I worship at the altar of the Levain Bakery chocolate chip walnut cookie. Strangely, I've never even been there. I owe it all to the fabulous Chappell Ellison who delivers them from the wilds of the Upper West Side.

Been in the same place as Janeane Garofalo, Matt Dillon and Olivia Wilde. Of course, I saw none of them.

Read a lot of books featuring vampires. The Charlaine Harris and Rachel Caine kind.

And finally... bought a house. Well, we bought a house. A house that two weeks ago I'd never even laid eyes on. Do you ever have those magic moments where things just fall into place? It's crazytime... we weren't even really looking, but I was driving home one day, saw the sign, saw the house and now we're a few weeks away from closing. I'm still baffled as to how it all happened.

Oh wait, I've also watched the season premiere of So You think You Can Dance. w00t! Although, what on earth was Nigel thinking bagging on the two men who danced together? Way to sound like a homophobe, you moron. And Step Up 2: The Streets. It's about a million times better than the first one but let's face it, the barre was set pretty low. Barre... get it? Haw haw. Sigh...

Okay, just thought I should explain where I've been and stuff. Also, my last Twitter poll - would you rather be famous for dating Lindsay Lohan or because Kid Rock wrote a song about how you two had sex? - had voters conflicted but Lindsay ruled the roost in the end as no one, apparently, wants to do it with Kid Rock. One person was interested to hear the song he'd write, though. It's not hard to imagine, really.

And now I go to sleep because tomorrow brings another trip to my current Mecca, Home Depot. There are so many faucets! How do you decide on just one?!!!

Cute Thing of the Week

"Ozzy! Ozzy! Thank you!"

Songs I Somehow Never Heard - Maps

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - New Music - More Music Videos

I've been gone a while... well, if 11 days is a while... I don't know if I even have any readers left? I wasn't off doing anything wild and exciting. In fact, I think that's why I haven't blogged. However, next week I'm going to New York to look at pictures of My Morning Jacket (because I haven't seen enough of those, right?) so maybe I'll have something mildly interesting to say about that. If you're in NYC you should check out the show. Sam Erickson has made a lot of purty images of the hubs & his compatriots.

ANYWAY... the first time I heard this Yeah Yeah Yeah's song was... err... about a month ago when they were on Saturday Night Live. They performed "Maps" as their second song and I was all like - hey, maybe I dig this band that I before tonight never cared about at all. Their A&R guy is a friend of mine and I told him I really enjoyed the musics and that's when I found that a) the song is old and b) apparently I've had my head in the sand because it was a big hit. Then it turns out that no one I know could believe I'd never heard it.

ANYWAY PT 2... okay, that was probably a boring explanation for how I discovered "Maps" but whoosh! I've been working on some fictiony things, and it's become the go-to song for getting me in the mood to delve inside the minds and hearts of 18 year old magical assassins. It's killer for sure.

Soon it's time for So You Think You Can Dance so w00t! for having something new to write about (I tried to watch Fashion Show but Isaac Mizrahi, God love him, is no Tim Gunn and Kelly Rowland... not even gonna go there). I have seen some movies lately - Adventureland (made me want to start Vladventureland the All Vampire Amusement Park, but I couldn't get any bites on that one HAW HAW HAW), Wolverine (poor Hugh Jackman, poor Taylor Kitsch, I mean, my God, I'm even going to say poor Ryan Reynolds. Velveeta to the nth degree), and Star Trek (I say "live long and prosper" to this reboot! Haw Haw again!).

Okay, back to being depressed by the season finale of House.

Twitter Polling - Barney VS The Free Credit Report.com Guy

This week the poll to the peeps was "Who would you rather spend the day at Disneyland with, Barney the Dinosaur or the Free Credit Report.com guy?"

A painful choice, for sure, but Barney took the win by nine! One person chose neither, saying, "I'd rather dig my own brains out with a spoon than spend it there with either!"

One person actually loves the Free Credit guy, which I find hard to believe, especially since I call this person a friend. The commercial where he blames his girlfriend for his current lot in life is the worst!! Personal responsibility, anyone?! Who marries someone with no idea about their financial status? He got what he deserved... especially since he's being such a douche about it!

However, answers were more along the lines of...

"Barney without a doubt. He'd get you in front of the line faster."

"Barney. No awkward interactions of 'maybe I should try to be nice to him?'"

"I'll go with Barney cuz I could definitely out run him, so he'd be easier to ditch."

"I had to youtube the FCR ads and the guy is such a loser he wouldn't be able to afford to go to Disneyland, anyway."

"I'd end up beating the FCR Guy."

So there you have it, boys and girls. This week's round of Twitter Polling is over. Play along by following me @mspark. It's all fun and games around here, yeah.