The Golden Globes - Yes Virginia, There Is a Red Carpet

**WARNING... THIS POST IS A) LONG AND B) CONTAINS AN UGLY BETTY SPOILER, BUT IT IS ALSO C) TOTES ENTERTAINING, Y'ALL!**

Okay, maybe not, but here we are and it's hard to believe it was only a year ago that we were tortured by Billy Bush announcing the winners at a celebrity-less strike destroyed 2008 Golden Globes "ceremony." I'll spare you the very obvious Bush/torture joke, but man, I'm still repressing the memories of that night.

I've been watching the E! Red Carpet coverage for about an hour now, and usually these evenings start with me full of joie de vivre, ready for some hot award action but when all is said and done, I'm generally listless, crabby and fairly nauseated by all the self-congratulation in the air.

However, seeing as I've already watched Debbie Matenopoulos lick a model's face while she got a pepper mask (it's organic! It's edible!) and refer to Chanel couture as a "Vampire wedding dress," I think we're off to a smashing start.

So far, they've only been interviewin' foreigners (don't they know that showing up on time is UNCOOL), but representing Australia is Ryan Kwanten (with clothes on), England, Ricky Gervais (self-effacing as ever) and Ireland, Jonathan Rhys Meyers (still totally ruined for me because of Velvet Goldmine).

They just announced that Ashley Jensen is leaving Ugly Betty. BOO!!

Oh look, it's E from Entourage. I got suckered into thinking Kevin Connolly was cute for about half a second then he started dating Nicky Hilton and, you know, yick. Also, those dudes are girlier than the ladies of Sex and the City.

Jennifer Morrison (from House) is wearing Oscar de la Renta and still looks weird as a blonde.

She's followed by Jesse Spencer, her ex-fiance. Kind of amusing. Kind of sad that I know this, but even Tom recently referenced some wedding magazine they were on the cover of. Speaking of Tom, he leaves for Australia tomorrow... the land from whence Jesse Spencer came. Don't you just love when it all comes full circle? (Actually, technically he's going to New Zealand then Australia, but that would have ruined the bit.)

Rumer Willis is this year's Miss Golden Globe. She's getting prettier and doesn't seem too traumatized by having Ashton Kutcher as a stepfather.

Ooh, the cast of Slumdog Millionaire. How come English teenagers (in this case Dev Patel) always sound more intelligent than American (R-Patz excluded)? Freida Pinto is a babe and wants Jack Nicholson to be her lifeline. Anil Kapoor wants to meet Tom Cruise (how nice that someone still does).

Alec Baldwin is blowing bubbles and his hair is looking quite... steely. Last week's 30 Rock was one of my fave episodes EVER. "Thank you for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post!"

I find it hard to believe that Eva Longoria can breathe in her Reem Acra dress. Now she's trapped by Aaron Eckhart who asks her if she's drunk (okay, those weren't his exact words but it sounds funnier that way).

Is there a red carpet event that Debra Messing won't go to? Just wondering.

Oh look, another Aussie! Simon Baker... and Jesse Spencer... and Ryan Kwanten... have made me re-think blonds. I really resisted the lure of SB for a long time, but I just lurv The Mentalist.

Oh GAG, why are The Jonas Brothers here??!!! WHY?!!

Also, why is Evan Rachel Wood here? Oh, she's in The Wrestler. I hear she's dating Jason Segel now. That's quite a change from Marilyn Manson.

Kevin Nealon just told Giuliana DePandi, I mean Rancid, I mean Rancic, that his two year old is producing the GGs. She did not look impressed.

Susan Sarandon is wearing Stuart Weitzman shoes. God, I used to love her. Then came Elizabethtown... and the wrap party... and a song about Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

I've dumped Ryan Seacrest for the hi-def waters of NBC. Unfortunately it's the hi-def waters of JoBro. I CAN'T ESCAPE. Oh blargh... it's Nancy O'Dell.

I fast forwarded to Rainn Wilson. Did I ever blog about how I saw him at Ammo once, and I couldn't figure out who he was? I thought he was someone I worked with in the music biz and then, well, my friend George corrected me. Boy did I feel stupid!

Peter Gabriel is here representing former members of Genesis who now write milquetoasty songs for animated films. But Pete's just tryin' to save the world, yo.

America Ferrara looks lovely, but I have to say I am uber sick of Betty's braces. Who works as the assistant to the Editor-In-Chief of a fashion magazine for three years and doesn't pluck their eyebrows? Seriously. Ferrara's normal palor serves only to accentuate O'Dell's creepy orange fake tan.

OH MY GOD IT'S TIKI BARBER!!!

Amanda Seyfried does not appear to be a rocket scientist. Good thing she's so beautiful (and she can sing!). What do people like me who are not transcendentally beautiful OR geniusly smart do? We blog and make snarky comments about those who are... and hope that someone... somewhere... chortles just a bit.

Is this the longest red carpet in the world? FF is my new BFF.

I'm really not into Blake Lively's dress. Her hair looks beachy and rad, though. She brought her dad (who played her dad in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), but no Penn Badgley in sight. LET THE RUMORS BEGIN!

I'm starting to feel sorry for Aaron Eckhart. All he's done so far is talk about Heath Ledger (I mean when he wasn't asking Eva Longoria if she'd knocked back a few). The cold hearted LP will admit something kinda goofy here... I actually shed a tear when he won Best Supporting Actor at the Critics Choice Awards.

Guess who's being interviewed alongside Beyonce? Sigourney Weaver. Yeah! That's not an odd couple or anything. Sigourney says she wants to dance like Beyonce. I bet she wants to climb the rope. Fabulous!

Zac Efron just heard that Dustin Hoffman was waiting for Zac to finish his interview because he's up next and Efron replied, "Let's hurry up. He needs this." Speechless. Granted, I grudgingly admit it seems more like young Zac was tongue-tied, but still...

Drew Barrymore pierced her tongue and for some reason it's made her annoying. Or was she annoying before and I never noticed? Never Been Kissed, never forget!

Oooh, Jeremy Piven's here. I guess dangerously high levels of Mercury don't preclude you from going to awards shows. Or Thailand. Or hitting on waitresses. Tool. We used to get our brows done by the same person. True story!

For some reason this is the night of the anti-cleave. Everyone's got boob smashing dresses on. I don't get it.

Hayden Panettiere looks real psyched about presenting with Zac Efron. Maybe she heard he dissed Dustin.

Steven Spielberg, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and Will Arnett are being interviewed by Nancy O'Dell. Nancy is totally blocking Spielberg. And scene.

Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr and Sting are being interviewed by Nancy O'Dell. Nancy is totally blocking Cruise. And scene.

Thank God this thing is starting in five minutes.

And thank God Salma Hayek is here to bring in the boobs.

I'll be back later with show coverage. It will be long. It will be painful at times but by God there will be DRAMZ!

(If you're not sick of me yet, you can peruse my show coverage here.)