Live Blogging Miss USA aka Live Blogging The End Of The World

I've been working on a blog post for two days with some nice images, but Blogger keeps messing with me and won't upload... sooo.... you're stuck with this...

7.06 pm - Oh no, oh God, why did I turn on the Miss USA pageant... getting...sucked... into... the... madness!

7.08 pm - Billy Bush, too? This is a double dose of torture. I hate myself.

7.14 pm - ZOMG, Y'ALL! Miss Kentucky got called first and everything for top 15!

7.17 pm - Okay, all three states I've lived in made it to the Top 15. I think these ladies need to send me a check or something.

7.18 pm - These girls come out of some factory, right? They can't possibly be real.

7.20 pm - Whoever this host is (Nadine Velasquez), she's better looking than all the contestants. I'm sorry she's stuck wearing tacky dresses and hanging out with Billy Bush.

7.22 pm - This commercial for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past makes me nauseous, but I guarantee you I will see this movie at some point.

7.26 pm - Kenan Thompson... is a judge... okay... So is Holly Madison... who scares me. And Perez Hilton??!!!! The world really is ending . I was making a joke in the title, but NOW I AM NOT.

7.28 pm - Boring montage of the girls doing some 40s-esque (decade, not cougar) photo shoot. Miss Utah uses the word "perfect" three times in one sentence.

7.36 pm - Nadine kicks off the swimsuit competition by saying, "I want a swimsuit... and a baby." Yes. Baby.

7.37 pm - Some douchey looking singer named Kevin Rudolph performs a crappy song while the contestants skulk around and pose in white bikinis. I should have bought stock in a spray tan company... Tom just asked me if fake boobs are allowed in the Miss USA pageant. I'm gonna go with yes (Miss California, Miss North Carolina, Miss South Carolina).

Oops, Miss Kentucky only scored an 8.693. Wow, these judges are HARSH. The only contestant to score over a 9 is Miss California.

7.50 pm - And then there were ten... Arizona (hobbies: photography, interior design), California (played three sports in high school, has a chihuahua, wants to be a better person), South Carolina (enjoys reading motivational books), Kentucky! (likes shopping with her mom, doesn't like to worry), Utah (an oil painter who likes to have fun), North Carolina (likes board games), Arkansas (admires Sandra Day O'connor and enjoys paddle boating in her spare time), Texas (likes mystery novels, has crazy eyes), West Virginia (sings in the car, kicks ass in archery), and Tennessee (modeled in Japan for two months and bakes cupcakes).

8.01 pm - I feel sorry for the girls who already lost but still have to perform in these disasterland musical numbers. Apparently The Veronicas are platinum selling artists, but I've never heard of them. Watching the contestants swan about in foufy evening gowns to this pseudo-indie music is totally embarrassing for everyone involved, including me.

Arizona looks like she she's terrified she's going to trip on all that fringe. California is showing off her fake boobs again. I'm just waiting for someone to fall. Kentucky has the best dress so far... but that's not saying much. Utah is channeling a giant canary while Arkansas appears to be competing for Miss Hustler. Texas brings the suck... that see through silver thing is fug.

Kentucky and Utah are the least scary at this point, but the judges seem to love Cali.

8.17 pm - Miss Congeniality goes to Miss Wyoming. She cries. Miss Photogenic is Miss West Virginia.

8.20 pm - Billy Bush is such a tool!

8.24 pm - Ten becomes five... North Carolina (best dress), Arizona (Latina in the hizzy), Utah (looks like she expects to win), California (has a lot of freaking makeup on), and Kentucky! (I can't believe I'm actually pleased that she -- or anyone -- has made it this far.)

8.28 pm - It's question time! Hope no one pulls a Miss South Carolina at Miss Teen USA 2007! Oops, Kentucky just blew it by answering "What do you look for in a man?" with "Well, of course looks are very important in any man, but maybe he should be like my dad." I guess I should congratulate her for her honesty... or something.

8.35 pm - Question time pt 2. This is endless... just like this post! Hrm... North Carolina says taxpayer money should not be used to bail out corporations but should be used for education and welfare! Damn. Arizona never actually answers whether or not we should have universal health care. But at least she does it with "the utmost conviction." Utah thinks spending $40 million to help Afghanistan hold elections is money well spent. Damn x 2.

Okay... California gets the gay marriage question from Perez... and says it's great that Americans can choose between "same sex marriage or opposite marriage" (which we can't in 46 states). Too bad she goes on to ruin it by stuttering, "In my country and in my family I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman" to loud cheers. Vom.

Kentucky gets the Chris Brown/Rihanna domestic violence question and turns it back around for us.

And then... I screwed it all up by accidentally changing the channel on my TV so I missed the end. I am hilariously stupid!

Thank God a friend was watching and told me North Carolina took home the prize (they're having a good year, yeah? First that NCAA basketball thingie, now this). Kentucky came in last. Boo hoo. That's still 5th, though, in the grand scheme of things. It's the year of positive thinking!

Okay, now I'm going to watch Desperate Housewives. Edie's dead. Ding dong.

Desperate Housewives: Season Finale (or Susan's Still a Freak)

This contains spoiler type thingies...

*****


I don't know how Desperate Housewives does it. I don't know how they consistently put the most hateful hateable characters on screen but somehow...

Now that Susan's become mildly tolerable, enter Tom's creepy love child Kayla. I know she's just acting out, blah, blah, blah and generally I think Lynette is kind of a crappy mother but man... is it wrong to want to punch a 12-year old?

Also, what is up with this NRA "commercial" featuring Bree and Catherine? Good lord.

Okay, the episode is still going... I'll add more in a bit. Oooh look, Nathan Fillion!

Oops... Susan just veered back into lameland again. I don't know how I thought she'd gotten out of it. Then again, I wouldn't want my kid named Maynard, either. Reason # 1,237,038 not to have kids.

Hey! In your face, Kayla. You got busted, dearie. I almost feel sorry for her. Not really. Not even when her grandparents drive her away and she's screaming for her father out the back window. You reap what you sow, fictional little brat!

Oh my freaking (and as we all know I don't mean freaking) Gawd, Susan is a total nutjob!! Between not letting Julie go off to her Princeton Summer session and the whole renaming the baby behind Mike's back thing, I feel foolish that I believed for a second she'd been somewhat reformed. How does someone this self-centered make it through life?

Okay, so Justine Bateman's been playing Gabi & Carlos' drug dealing roommate and the cops came to bust her and Gabi helped her get away. Justine calls and says please bring me my teddy bear that my father gave me when I was five. Given what Justine looks like these days, this bear must be about 50 years old (sorry, Justine. Mallory feels like an eon ago) yet somehow looks brand new. And why is this bear even still around their house? Wouldn't the police have confiscated all her stuff? Oh look, it's full of a hundred thousand dollars!

Gary Cole is beating the crap out of Nathan Fillion. This feels wrong. Tom (my husband, not Lynette's) says he wants to be untouchable.

Susan's daughter just told her she's grown so much in the last five years. Eesh. I'd hate to see what she was like before.

The gay couple are not getting along. I'm not quite sure why they're still on the show. Not because they're gay, but because they seem so incidental. If they come back next year I hope they have more of a role in the hood as I like Kevin Rahm.

Aww, the women of Wisteria Lane came together in the end to help one of their (now) own.

Five years later?! Wha?? Is this the last show ever? Why is Susan kissing some 20-year old?!

At least Gary Cole is dead. He's such a jerk. I mean his character. I'm sure he's delightful! And alive!

Til next season, right?
Ms. P

Desperate Housewives: I HATE SUSAN!

*Desperate Housewives Spoilers*

Susan needs to die. Can the writers come up with another natural disaster to wipe this bitch out? If there's a more self-involved self-obsessed moron on this planet, I'd like to know.

Grrrr... I really need to stop watching this show.

Bree and Orson are living with Susan now that their house is uninhabitable due to that stupid CGI tornado that hit Wisteria Lane (and nowhere else, apparently). Bree, in her uptight Type-A way, is cooking for Susan and her daughter and mending their clothes, etc etc. Susan loves this treatment so much she's decided to sabotage Bree's plan to get her gay roofer back on track (by having her son flirt with the guy who's twice his age but that's another story entirely). Blah blah, cue Susan acting like a nitwit just like every other episode. WHATEVER! OH GOOD GOD, now Susan's playing the sympathy card (My husband's in rehab, I'm pregnant, you're the only thing that's making me sane). Bree falls for it and I'm going to go puke now.

As for Lynette's big cliffhanger drama (are her whiny husband Tom and their horrid kids, alive?), we're forced to wait, oh, two minutes before the sparkling clean children emerge from the rubble! Oh, and the woman that Mrs. McClusky (Mrs. Landingham) invited to her basement doesn't make it. You know why? Because she sacrificed herself for the little brats. The little brats who Lynette asked to be totally annoying because Tom was allergic to Ida the dead lady's cat. Wait, didn't Lynette release the cat? What happened to that cat? At least L has the good grace to feel really crappy about it all.

Carlos is blind. Gabby's husband is dead and didn't leave her anything because she's a cheating grasping little (excuse the word) slut. Nathan Fillion's been kicked out of the house (and off the show, he probably hopes). The show's not even over, but this post is.

Humf,
Ms. P

ps. The New Hampshire Primary is Tuesday. Can Hillary make a comeback? Did anyone see the debate? I only saw one clip - where Obama tells Hills that she's "likable enough." It wasn't a classy move. Maybe he scored some crappy blow. Kitten! Neither Barack Obama or I (or is that "nor I"?) use illegal drugs anymore. We are clean and mean!

pps. I watched We Are Marshall last night. More like We Are Overacting. I can't believe there's a sports movie out there that I didn't enjoy.

Desperate Housewives: Tornado Edition

Semi-live Desperate Housewives blogging as a tornado is headed towards Wisteria Lane. I feel like a tornado is headed towards Crestwood as the winds are howling and the windows rattling. Spoilers galore if you haven't watched.

I spent ten hours reading Ellen Emerson White's Long May She Reign yesterday. It's a rare book that commands my attention in such a manner. I think the last time I spent an entire Saturday reading was, oh gosh, nearly ten years ago when I read She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb in one sitting. I haven't finished LMSR yet but once I do I'll write a mini review and post my LP Questionnaire with Ms. White who was gracious enough to sit down with me when I was in New York and talk politics, sports and photography. Sometimes when you meet your heroes it's not a disappointment. So now I have EEW and John Paul Jones. Can't do better than that, methinks.

Is it just me or does everyone who watches Desperate Housewives want to kill Teri Hatcher? I mean Susan. Whatever. I saw her on Oprah and I halfway believe they're one and the same. I know she's going to survive this tornado thing so I'm kind of bummed. I also kind of hate Tom and Lynette's monster children. Is that wrong? I don't care. I'm also kind of hating Lynette right now. Oh my God, why do I watch this show??!! These people are all terrible!

I watched the ISU Cup of Russia today and apparently Johnny Weir's given up his career in fashion to concentrate fully on figure skating. It's paying off as he passed Stephane Lambiel to take the gold. It was funny to see all the Russian girls clamor over Weir. Don't they know they'll never have a chance? I heart Lambiel, though. I think he's the most graceful male skater I've ever seen. And he's cute. And I never have a chance (I mean, despite the fact that I'm way older and married and stuff).

I'm getting really sick of hearing this All American Rejects song in this Ford commercial. It might as well be an Apple ad so overplayed is it.

So who else is excited for tomorrow's Heroes finale?

Hmm, Susan just showed unexpected strength telling Mike he'd better go to rehab or she's gonna go, go, go. More Edie/Carlos/Gabrielle crap. Does anyone care? Aww yeah! Cat fight! Has anyone ever seen a tornado this fake? Nathan Fillion needs his own spinoff. He truly looks desperate being on this show.

I like how Bree, Orson, Dana Delaney, and NF are in their safe room with candles burning. Like that's not a fire hazard. Oopsie. The truth just came out... He really did have an affair with the psycho who's locked herself in the bathroom. Double oopsie, Carlos is stuck in his house with a psycho of his own, Gaby's unappealing mayor husband, grey haired guy whose name and character I do not know (oh wait, Carlos just called him Victor). I do remember him from Sex and the City, though. He played a weird politician on that show, too. I think he wanted Carrie to pee on him. Euw.

I make such a credible TV Critic, don't I?

No politics this Sunday as I haven't watched my shows yet. Also, I'm getting race fatigue.

Well, Victor just died (I mean, if he survives getting picket fenced, I shall be shocked). And so, maybe, did Carlos. Holy crap, psycho lady just got sucked into the cyclone. I like how the tornado hit everywhere but the hospital although truly, isn't it as if a tornado hath struck Mike and Susan's marriage? Mrs McClusky's (Mrs. Landingham from West Wing) house is gone. I sure do hope Ida's cat lived.

Err, the show's over. And so is this post.

Hey look! Chevy Chase and Danny Glover are guest starring on Brothers and Sisters. They're gettin' too old for this shit.

Time to feed the Bea,
Ms. P

Desperately Seeking Housewives, Serial Killers and Current Events

I've come back to a brand new Democratic Kentucky. So much has changed since I left for Texas and it's great to be home. I hardly recognize the place.

After spending a week in Austin listening to and engaging in various office snarkathons and having a friend wonder how we get any work done, considering, I realize that all my complaining doesn't really accomplish much and it's probably making me fat as I'm four pounds heavier than when I left. So I vow to only bitch about people I don't know from now on...

People like the wenches of Wisteria Lane. I'm watching Mike Delfino pop pills as a way of coping with life with Teri Hatcher's self-involved nitwit Susan on Desperate Housewives. I hear ya, brother. I'd turn to drugs, too, or possibly end up like Bob Johnson from Robert B. Parker's Spare Change or Rusty Coombs in James Patterson's 2nd Chance, both of which I've read since I last posted. How I've missed serial killers. Fictional ones, anyway.

I've been enjoying The Women's Murder Club novels and find Patterson's willingness to kill major characters interesting. Tear inducing and manipulative, but interesting.

Back to the real world...

German Chancellor Angela Merkel spent time at Bush's Crawford, TX ranch this week. The President acted like a new girlfriend was coming to visit and said, "We'll do anything she wants,'' Bush says. "If she wants to go for a hike, I'll go for a hike.'' I wonder if he'll give her another little massage, too. However, of all the things she wants, I kind of doubt that's one of them.

Meanwhile, Bush 41 parachuted into the reopening of his Presidential Library. He's 83. I sorta hate that I'm impressed.

Last night's Jefferson-Jackson Day Dinner in Iowa had the Democratic candidates focusing all their energies into the all important first caucus state. Part of me respects the Iowa Caucus and part of me remembers that Pat Robertson came in second in 1988.

Speaking of conservative patsies, Pat Buchanan just cracks me up. He mistakenly thought John McLaughlin asked him if Bush's problem was "edible" and not "oedipal" when talking about the Iraq war. Buchanan's always laughing, which makes him endearing. And me crazy.

Mitt Romney called Adam and Eve "promiscuous." We are in for a world of repression if this guy wins. Oh wait, that's the world we live in now!

And finally, in sports news, Justine Henin beat Maria Sharapova at the WTA Tour Sony Ericsson Championships, ending her spectacular tennis year on a high note.

Can anyone tell me why on earth K-Swiss hired Anna Kournikova to hawk their brand? I'm guessing you're not actually meant to play tennis while wearing them.

I'll spare you from discussing Skate Canada, but it's tempting!

The LP Questionnaire returns tomorrow with Velocity's own Tom Nord and The Courier-Journal's Jeffrey Lee Puckett.

Nighty night,
Ms. P

Desperate: Housewives, Heroes and Hilton

Heroes was dense but interesting. (POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!) Does anyone know how the Haitian made it back to, uh, Haiti? Now that Claire knows she has the ability to regenerate body parts maybe she can cut her brain out and grow back a better one. She's not the sharpest hero on the block. Peter now knows how to throw lightning balls and mysteriously gained a lot of muscle mass while trapped in a storage container. Nathan is still a bum. And where did Ali Larter go? Do we care?

I don't think I can watch Desperate Housewives anymore unless they fire Teri Hatcher. She might be the nicest gal in the world but good lordie! Is there a more neurotic female character on TV? There might be but not on any show I watch. She and Mike have been married for five minutes and she's already nagging at him and asking what could she do to make their life together completely perfect? Umm, superglue your mouth shut, maybe?

I won't even go into the ridiculousness of Gabby and Carlos and Edie and whatever the gray haired mayor's name is.

Or Lynette and her chemo and her magical hair (one minute it's a sloppy looking wig, the next it's perfectly curled). Or Bree and her fake pregnancy belly with the barbecue fork sticking out of it.

Poor Nathan Fillion. He looks tired already and he's only been in one ep. You would be tired, too, if you were married to Dana Delaney's Type-A biyaatch.

This show is making me tense. It might be time to turn it off. Permanently. But Nathan Fillion! Someone tell me what to do!

The season premiere of SNL was pretty darn funny. It's hard to stay mad at Kanye West's ego. Especially when he does sketches like this.

Van Halen finally reunited. Many of my male friends care. None of my female ones do.

In the bad behavior department: Ryan Adams had a temper tantrum and bailed on a show in Minneapolis. Britney Spears lost custody of her children after various charges were filed against her and her bodyguard testified that she's a louse. And Paris Hilton pouted her way through an interview with David Letterman. She kept looking offstage for someone to rescue her while imploring Dave to talk about her new perfume and movie musical about organ harvesting. Maybe Heroes' Claire can grow a new brain for her, too.

The cat is staring at the wall,
Ms. P

ps. Patrick Hallahan of My Morning Jacket subjects himself to The LP Questionnaire tomorrow! Tune in for PH and the Devil Bear.