Desperate: Housewives, Heroes and Hilton

Heroes was dense but interesting. (POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!) Does anyone know how the Haitian made it back to, uh, Haiti? Now that Claire knows she has the ability to regenerate body parts maybe she can cut her brain out and grow back a better one. She's not the sharpest hero on the block. Peter now knows how to throw lightning balls and mysteriously gained a lot of muscle mass while trapped in a storage container. Nathan is still a bum. And where did Ali Larter go? Do we care?

I don't think I can watch Desperate Housewives anymore unless they fire Teri Hatcher. She might be the nicest gal in the world but good lordie! Is there a more neurotic female character on TV? There might be but not on any show I watch. She and Mike have been married for five minutes and she's already nagging at him and asking what could she do to make their life together completely perfect? Umm, superglue your mouth shut, maybe?

I won't even go into the ridiculousness of Gabby and Carlos and Edie and whatever the gray haired mayor's name is.

Or Lynette and her chemo and her magical hair (one minute it's a sloppy looking wig, the next it's perfectly curled). Or Bree and her fake pregnancy belly with the barbecue fork sticking out of it.

Poor Nathan Fillion. He looks tired already and he's only been in one ep. You would be tired, too, if you were married to Dana Delaney's Type-A biyaatch.

This show is making me tense. It might be time to turn it off. Permanently. But Nathan Fillion! Someone tell me what to do!

The season premiere of SNL was pretty darn funny. It's hard to stay mad at Kanye West's ego. Especially when he does sketches like this.

Van Halen finally reunited. Many of my male friends care. None of my female ones do.

In the bad behavior department: Ryan Adams had a temper tantrum and bailed on a show in Minneapolis. Britney Spears lost custody of her children after various charges were filed against her and her bodyguard testified that she's a louse. And Paris Hilton pouted her way through an interview with David Letterman. She kept looking offstage for someone to rescue her while imploring Dave to talk about her new perfume and movie musical about organ harvesting. Maybe Heroes' Claire can grow a new brain for her, too.

The cat is staring at the wall,
Ms. P

ps. Patrick Hallahan of My Morning Jacket subjects himself to The LP Questionnaire tomorrow! Tune in for PH and the Devil Bear.