I've been working on a blog post for two days with some nice images, but Blogger keeps messing with me and won't upload... sooo.... you're stuck with this...
7.06 pm - Oh no, oh God, why did I turn on the Miss USA pageant... getting...sucked... into... the... madness!
7.08 pm - Billy Bush, too? This is a double dose of torture. I hate myself.
7.14 pm - ZOMG, Y'ALL! Miss Kentucky got called first and everything for top 15!
7.17 pm - Okay, all three states I've lived in made it to the Top 15. I think these ladies need to send me a check or something.
7.18 pm - These girls come out of some factory, right? They can't possibly be real.
7.20 pm - Whoever this host is (Nadine Velasquez), she's better looking than all the contestants. I'm sorry she's stuck wearing tacky dresses and hanging out with Billy Bush.
7.22 pm - This commercial for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past makes me nauseous, but I guarantee you I will see this movie at some point.
7.26 pm - Kenan Thompson... is a judge... okay... So is Holly Madison... who scares me. And Perez Hilton??!!!! The world really is ending . I was making a joke in the title, but NOW I AM NOT.
7.28 pm - Boring montage of the girls doing some 40s-esque (decade, not cougar) photo shoot. Miss Utah uses the word "perfect" three times in one sentence.
7.36 pm - Nadine kicks off the swimsuit competition by saying, "I want a swimsuit... and a baby." Yes. Baby.
7.37 pm - Some douchey looking singer named Kevin Rudolph performs a crappy song while the contestants skulk around and pose in white bikinis. I should have bought stock in a spray tan company... Tom just asked me if fake boobs are allowed in the Miss USA pageant. I'm gonna go with yes (Miss California, Miss North Carolina, Miss South Carolina).
Oops, Miss Kentucky only scored an 8.693. Wow, these judges are HARSH. The only contestant to score over a 9 is Miss California.
7.50 pm - And then there were ten... Arizona (hobbies: photography, interior design), California (played three sports in high school, has a chihuahua, wants to be a better person), South Carolina (enjoys reading motivational books), Kentucky! (likes shopping with her mom, doesn't like to worry), Utah (an oil painter who likes to have fun), North Carolina (likes board games), Arkansas (admires Sandra Day O'connor and enjoys paddle boating in her spare time), Texas (likes mystery novels, has crazy eyes), West Virginia (sings in the car, kicks ass in archery), and Tennessee (modeled in Japan for two months and bakes cupcakes).
8.01 pm - I feel sorry for the girls who already lost but still have to perform in these disasterland musical numbers. Apparently The Veronicas are platinum selling artists, but I've never heard of them. Watching the contestants swan about in foufy evening gowns to this pseudo-indie music is totally embarrassing for everyone involved, including me.
Arizona looks like she she's terrified she's going to trip on all that fringe. California is showing off her fake boobs again. I'm just waiting for someone to fall. Kentucky has the best dress so far... but that's not saying much. Utah is channeling a giant canary while Arkansas appears to be competing for Miss Hustler. Texas brings the suck... that see through silver thing is fug.
Kentucky and Utah are the least scary at this point, but the judges seem to love Cali.
8.17 pm - Miss Congeniality goes to Miss Wyoming. She cries. Miss Photogenic is Miss West Virginia.
8.20 pm - Billy Bush is such a tool!
8.24 pm - Ten becomes five... North Carolina (best dress), Arizona (Latina in the hizzy), Utah (looks like she expects to win), California (has a lot of freaking makeup on), and Kentucky! (I can't believe I'm actually pleased that she -- or anyone -- has made it this far.)
8.28 pm - It's question time! Hope no one pulls a Miss South Carolina at Miss Teen USA 2007! Oops, Kentucky just blew it by answering "What do you look for in a man?" with "Well, of course looks are very important in any man, but maybe he should be like my dad." I guess I should congratulate her for her honesty... or something.
8.35 pm - Question time pt 2. This is endless... just like this post! Hrm... North Carolina says taxpayer money should not be used to bail out corporations but should be used for education and welfare! Damn. Arizona never actually answers whether or not we should have universal health care. But at least she does it with "the utmost conviction." Utah thinks spending $40 million to help Afghanistan hold elections is money well spent. Damn x 2.
Okay... California gets the gay marriage question from Perez... and says it's great that Americans can choose between "same sex marriage or opposite marriage" (which we can't in 46 states). Too bad she goes on to ruin it by stuttering, "In my country and in my family I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman" to loud cheers. Vom.
Kentucky gets the Chris Brown/Rihanna domestic violence question and turns it back around for us.
And then... I screwed it all up by accidentally changing the channel on my TV so I missed the end. I am hilariously stupid!
Thank God a friend was watching and told me North Carolina took home the prize (they're having a good year, yeah? First that NCAA basketball thingie, now this). Kentucky came in last. Boo hoo. That's still 5th, though, in the grand scheme of things. It's the year of positive thinking!
Okay, now I'm going to watch Desperate Housewives. Edie's dead. Ding dong.
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