America's Next Top Model - And So It Begins...

Oh lordy, Cycle 11 of America's Next Top Model hath begun. Please let this season be better because Cycle 10 really blew (although I was pleased about them choosing a plus size model, I wasn't wild about the bitchalicious Whitney. OMG that was so Blayne!).

How hilariously fitting that one of the first contestants they feature is Hannah from Alaska and she talks about life at home where "we don't have highways and we don't have people." Scant hours before Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin is set to speak at the Republican National Convention, this is informative for those who don't know much about the 49th state.

I'm already bummed about Sheena, who one contestant said has a big advantage because she's "the only Oriental girl here." Sigh. Sheena says she is "dynamic" and "magnifying." Try "annoying." I do like her teal shirt, though. That color doesn't look good on me. Why does it look good on her?!

What is up with Jay Manuel's hair??!! And those man boobs! As for Miss J, I am so missing her/his giant fro right about now. Tyra's dressed up as a martian and looks suitably terrifying.

I am tempted to root for Elina the vegan at this point, but I can't tell if that's a leather jacket she's wearing. Also, fur is so in right now it makes me wonder if we're headed for some challenge that she refuses to do on principle. Oh wait, she's a "very sexual" vegan. Well, that changes everything.

Analeigh seems ok. Or she did until she started rambling about nearly getting sold into prostitution with a Saudi prince.

Clark "with no E" puts Jay Manuel (and me) to sleep. Ooh, Marjorie the high strung French girl from Marseilles is purty cute.

Isis, the transgender, is pre-op, but has no visible package in her bikini. Interesting (apparently tape is her secret). She comes out and the girls look... surprised and an annoying gossip fest ensues. Sheena's down with her, yo, which makes me want to re-evaluate her until she says, "I got so much flava."

Hannah re-enacts being chased by a moose. Tyra is the moose. This is freakin' weird.

Kacey talks too much and is a mean girl. Brittany is a cage fighter. Susan went to Harvard and majored in English and American Literature but doesn't know who Rebecca is.

Phase II begins and a bunch of girls they barely featured get cut like Renee who can't stop crying.

It's photo shoot time, and I'm officially watching ANTM instead of watching Sarah Palin. Oh dear. Thank G for DVRs.

It's time for the final 14 of Cycle 11 and Brittany B and her lucky underwear make it through along with Isis, Hannah Alaska, Sheena, Elina, Clark and, err, some others.

Kacey didn't make it. Karma's a bitch and so are you, honey!

Sheena says, "I'm gonna show you America, you ain't ready for this yellow fever!!! One time for the Asians!!!" Why, S, why?!! She's half-Korean, too. I swear, she does not represent. At least she's open minded. I'll give her that. I'm tryin' here.

I hate these two hour eps. They always turn into novel posts. Apologies, fair readers.

Watching the girls drive through LA is making me ex-homesick, but I don't know how they found a day with a sky that blue? They must have digitally removed the smog.

Did Jay just say, "We have 14 lucky bitches here in LA"????

The girls have moved into.. Is that the Rock of Love season 1 house??!! The Bachelorette, maybe? That house looks really familiar for some reason. I watch too much reality TV. Crikey, I used to have a massive ban on this stuff and now i'm like a crackhead. How depressing.

Isis is divisive. McKey (formerly Brittany S. Or maybe M) is totally cool, but the small town girls are freaking out. Maybe this will turn out like Morgan Spurlock's 30 Days, and the gals will have a change of heart. Or not.

Holy cow, they're going to the Magic Castle! I love the Magic Castle. I've been a few times with a magician pal of mine. Ohh, I miss that place.

Nigel Barker and Paulina Porizkova pop out of a box and interview the girls.

Sharaun (who used to be Brittany with her lucky underwear) mocks world peace and turns Nigel and probably the rest of America off.

Samantha actually seems kind of sweet. A perky blonde that doesn't make me gag. There are a few (see: Heidi and Cat from So You Think You Can Dance).

The first photo shoot has the models sexing up the issues in an effort to get out the vote. We're treated to immigration, the military (the war in Iraq = a hot pink dress, apparently), bureaucracy (Clark has no idea what it is but apparently seems to think it involves squatting like she's going to the bathroom), the environment, foreign policy, privacy, cloning, unemployment, education, the economy, homeland security, healthcare and hoochie care of Sheena. Hilarious. Bringing sexy back with unemployment... Aww... yeah...

It's judging time and Miss J tells Sharaun, "You love to spread your legs."

Tyra shows Clark how to make bureaucracy sexy. Sometimes I really wonder if this is real and not some weird dream I'm having.

Nakesha's got some attitude. The Brittany who remains Brittany reminds me of Jaslene a little and Tyra tells her that her brother in the Air Force will think her photo is "dope."

The judges deliberate, and they don't like Clark (and neither do I). Please let her be the first to go, please let her be the first to go... crud.

The luck in Sharaun/Brittany's underwear finally ran out. Clark's smiling. What a cow.

I will say I already like this season better than last. Uh oh, looks like next week Hannah gets outed as a racist and someone goes bi bi!

W00t!
Ms. P

See the contestants (including Marjorie, above) here.

Legacy Quest: Hillary Clinton vs Tyra Banks

Apparently Hillary Clinton went on Tyra's talk show and announced she would compete on Dancing with the Stars if she had to be on any reality show. Then she defended her remarks about Martin Luther King Jr.

Remarks that were, this morning, defended by Pat Buchanan on MSNBC. Oof, right? If I were Hills, I'd tell Pat, "Well, thanks, but no thanks."

I'm looking forward to the debate tonight. Tuesday's big for the tely with the Democratic Debate (and then there were three) on MSNBC, ongoing coverage of the Michigan Republican Primary (will this be the downfall of Mitten?!) and the start of American Idol. I'd like to see a presidential debate hosted by Simon Cowell.

Last night one of my favorite political writers, Fareed Zakaria, guested on A Daily Show. FZ is bright, funny and I'm looking forward to his upcoming CNN show. When talking about Musharraf in Pakistan it was eerily similar to our situation at home. "Deemed to be elected" President M has gone from 80% approval to 20% in eight years and is in possession of a Messiah complex. Hrmm... They also talked about George Bush's legacy quest and his recent bid for peace between Israel and Palestine.

This gave me a great idea for a video game. Legacy Quest: A President's Enduring Vision. Okay, maybe the title needs some work. The player gets to be any President from the last 50 years or so and must work to establish his his notable place in history. You must draft budgets for aid packages, negotiate with foreign leaders, meet with your cabinet, etc etc. Well, hunh. This sounded way more exciting in my head last night. Maybe I should throw in some dragons and a magical sword.

Of course, last night I fell asleep through all of prime time so my very important thoughts on Dance War: Bruno vs Carrie Ann and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles later.

Everybody dance now!
Ms. P

My Life Through Oprah-Colored Glasses

I had a tragic suburban housewife moment this afternoon while watching Oprah. Firstly, it was a repeat ("Does My Butt Look Big?"). Secondly, I'd seen it before so it's bad enough that I was watching it again just so I could see the lady in the $700 pants that actually weren't that flattering.

What really freaked me out, though, was the fact that Oprah and her guest were both drinking water out of these tall glasses with straws. The same tall glasses that I own (got them at Target when I moved here). The same tall glass that sat in front of me, on my coffee table, full of water, with a straw. I know this must sound incredibly dopey and inconsequential but at that moment where Oprah's life mirrored mine, I did not feel groovy. I felt like a crazy Opraholic and what's worse is that I really do think about bisecting my butt so that it looks smaller.

For two days straight Tom and I have attempted to go see National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Is this movie about the power of positive thinking? Maybe someday we'll actually make it into the theatre but not while the teenagers of Louisville are still on their winter break. Stonybrook was crawling with them so we fled. Sorry Mr. Cage, I'm trying to support your artistic endeavors although I don't know why since frankly you kinda scare me.

I'm watching America's Next Top Model "Cycle 4 Return to the Runway." Why do these girls always refer to themselves in the third person? Who thinks that's normal?! Apparently Naima guest-starred on Veronica Mars. As a teacher. How did I miss that?

Project Runway, Law & Order (I watched a few minutes of it and let me tell you, Jeremy Sisto's a long way from Clueless) and the Iowa Caucus coming up tomorrow.

Keenyah still has crazy eyes!
Ms. P

America's Next Top Golden Compass

*Spoilers for ANTM and The Golden Compass*

I'm so late in posting this that you've probably already seen who won America's Next Top Model, said "meh" when it was announced and promptly let the news drift out of your mind. I'm glad cycle 9 is over. I'm thrilled Tootie won. Really. If only because it means I won't be subjected to Chantal's "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercials all next season. I still think Jenah was the best of the three.. Pfft. I did like the clothes from the fashion show, though, and I confess that after realizing the guy she tripped was okay, I might have smirked at C's gaffe. She's going to see me on the streets of Austin some day and give me a smack.

I saw The Golden Compass last night. It suffered from the same problem as the first Harry Potter movie. They tried to fit all the major bits in while remaining faithful to the book so the end result is rather sterile. The script stumbled along in this very rudimentary "WE ARE NOW GOING FROM POINT A TO POINT B" sort of way. It looked glorious, though, and Dakota Blue Richards (think a young Katherine Heigl meets a young Jennifer Grey) gives a nice performance in her screen debut. I didn't, for some reason, think that Bolvanger would look so futuristic, though. I'd sort of imagined it in the same way Lyra's Oxford is rather Victorian England. I'm trying to be generous to the film because a) I like Chris Weitz and thought he did a great job with About a Boy and b) Golden Compass is one of my favorite books ever and they had the support and input of Philip Pullman. Even though they neatly sidestepped the indictment of Christianity, a strong theme in the books, there's no mistaking that Nicole Kidman was talking about Adam & Eve and original sin in regards to dust. I know the movie isn't doing all that well so I wonder if New Line will pull the plug on The Subtle Knife. I think GC is due for another reading. It's been a while (I purposely held off so the film wouldn't be totally ruined). I heart Iorek Byrnison!

The cloudy cold is making me tired. Or maybe it was Clinton, Obama, Edwards, et al. I just watched the last Democratic debate before the Iowa Caucus. The candidates were back to being chummy (in the spirit of the holidays, I'm sure). I can't wait til January 3!

Project Runway snootiness later,
Ms. P

America's Next Top Video Ho

Without further ado, let's get down to the nitty gritty... America's Next Top Model spoilers - consider yourself warned.

Last week Ambreal got a reprieve... will she make it through another elimination? I don't care but let's see...

l thought they'd cut the bitch off Bianca along with all her nasty hair, but apparently not as the fangs came back out this week.

Chantal, as Maisy said, thinks she's all that. If vacant blondes are all that then yes, she is.

Tyra teaches the girls to slide down the wall like some sort of wormy sluts and crawl across the floor like they're Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. This just seems wrong.

Heather (Indiana Asbergers), one of the most beautiful models on the show, looks incredibly... strange sometimes. Kind of like when you see girls in Playboy and they look possibly attractive but then you see the promotional videos and what they really look like is something rather different. But Heather changes like this from scene to scene. Bit spooky.

They're all excited about meeting Enrique Iglesias. But not as excited as they were for Tyson Beckford. Lisa (the exotic dancer) and Heather win featured roles in Enrique's video (where the girls all portray nightclub vampires or something silly like that). Lisa looks like a poodle died on her head and Bianca's turning an ugly shade of green. I wonder what it's like to be that ungracious.

Cover Girl Commercial Break: Jaslene has a billboard in Times Square. Great. Can't wait to see that when I'm there in a couple weeks. Maybe I can climb up and draw a big mustache on her

Sarah, the plus size chick who's hardly plus sized keeps whining about being... plus size. She's cute, but it's annoying.

Heather is chosen for this season's "girl who collapses" moment. Nothing's ever going to beat Rebecca from Cycle 4, though, who fainted during judging. That might sound cold, but if you'd watched five cycles of this show in the last two months or so, you'd understand.

Critique time (for their performance in Enrique's vid):

Lisa gets raves for wrapping her leg around Enrique.

Tyra paints Ambreal with the hoochie brush.

Tootie (Saleisha) has great cheekbones and they harped on Sara's weight loss once again.

Jenah smiled which is apparently bad because vampires don't smile. Everybody loves Heather. This will be the new companion show to Everybody Hates Chris.

Chantal looks like a moron and Tyra pretty much tells her so.

Bianca's making smoochie faces at the camera. I see now. It wasn't the bitch part of her that got lopped off with the hair. It was the brain.

Decision time... sayonara Sarah. She's heartbroken and it's pretty sad but then they showed the clip of her pulling a large strand of paper out of her nose. Uh...

Now I'm being tortured by Enrique. Time to watch Joe Mantegna get chewy on Criminal Minds and go to sleep.

Or maybe I'll watch Frontline so the dulcet tones of Will Lyman can lull me into slumber.

Tchuss!
Ms. P

The Junkyard - Trashy TV Edition

Nip/Tuck has gone Hollywood, baby! And hilarious. Season 5 started with a star-studded bang boasting guest performances by Tia Carrere (it's party time, excellent), Daphne Zuniga (she'll always be Jo to me), Craig Bierko (remember when he used to date Janeane Garofalo? That was weird), Oliver Platt (I still miss Deadline), Bradley Cooper (newly single after a four month marriage), Jennifer Coolidge (one brave actress) and Lauren Hutton (who should guest judge on ANTM if she hasn't already).

I was utterly fascinated by this show for a while but when Christian had the menage a trois with the mother and daughter. Ick. No more Troy/McNamara for me! However, I saw the boys were moving to Los Angeles and heard the new season would have more of a sense of humor, so I thought why not give it one more shot? I've enjoyed Victor von Doom in everything from The Profiler to Charmed and his performance as a vainglorious morally corrupt yet conflicted and mildly flabby butted plastic surgeon is fairly delicious. Not sure about those perfect eyebrows, though.

Anyhoo, the season premiere takes us through the good doctors initial foray into Hollywood life. The glitz, the glamor, the hair plugs, the breast augmentations, the "kitty" lips on Jennifer Coolidge. I'm not a fan of Bradley Cooper but his over-the-top portrayal of soap actor Aidan Stone was pretty darn funny. My little heart did wrench a bit when Dr. Troy took the lipstick to a crazily airbrushed photo of Daphne Zuniga (it's been a long time since The Sure Thing). The thought that men see women as things they can fix... ::shudder::

In the end, Christian gets taken down a peg (and continues his slimy ways by outing his actress/client's face lift to Us Weekly) and Sean steps into the limelight. You can call me interested in episode 2.

I was going to write about America's Next Top Model but last night was a season recap. It was interesting to see Ebony back when she actually wanted to be on the show. She went on and on about how she's fierce and she's from the hood. How sad that she turned into a crybaby who gave up. Or maybe it's more sad that I care and am writing about it.

Joe Mantegna chewed up some scenery last night on his Criminal Minds debut. I'm beginning to think Mandy Patinkin's uber intense delivery wasn't his fault as it was all cue dramatic music while JM emotes emotes emotes! I actually had to tun off the tely, though, and finish it this morning. The "Have You Seen Me?" serial killer creeped me out!

I'm glad to see Heroes is picking up. Thank God. And I just read that Joss Whedon signed a deal with Fox for a new show starring Eliza Dushku!! Let's hope they don't cancel it after one week! I heart Joss!

In non-TV but funny-sometimes haha-sometimes strange casting news: Harvey Keitel as Jerry Springer and James McAvoy (aka Mr. Tumnus) as Kurt Cobain. Also, they're making a Land of the Lost movie with Will Ferrell. This actually kind of bums me out. Them sleestacks be near and dear to my heart!

I must go do something productive (like finish watching Numb3rs),
Ms. P

See If Anyone Fits the Bill

I guess this marks the first week of full on Fall TV fun! Oh boy!

For your reading pleasure, a few random recaps:

America's Next Top Model
After showing cycle after cycle of models puffing away, this year ANTM is a smoke-free zone because Tyra don't want the girlies being bad role models for future generations of impressionable young ANTM wannabes. The first photo shoot of the season centers around how smoking is nasty, and the models are made up as cancer patients with bald heads, facial tumors or hair falling out and in one particularly gruesome moment of bad taste as the girl who smoked while pregnant and had a stillborn child (complete with fake dead baby). Now that is a fashion statement!

I still like the Indiana Asperger's girl even if she is a bit awkward - perhaps especially because she's a bit awkward. I find it strange that they had a shot of all the black girls laughing at her while the white girls were portrayed as finding her odd but trying to understand. I also like the Yalie and the exotic dancer. I do not like Bianca the biyaatch who yelled at her, "You think America's next top model is going to be a stripper? Give up and go home." I say, "You think America's next top model is going to be a skanky mean girl with a bad weave? Give up and go home."

All the drama was followed by the girls getting ridiculously excited about a trip to Old Navy. Maybe they heard that Todd Oldham was named Creative Director.

The show ended with Mila getting the boot and good riddance. She seemed like a nice enough girl, but I have no idea how she made it into the house to begin with. Especially over the nice girl from Alaska who had the troubled past.

Reaper
Slacker and his abrasive chubby friend make semi-lovable duo. Haven't seen that one before, (okay, I haven't seen it where the slacker's parents sold his soul to the devil, but still)! Oooh, the chubby friend is mean to animals (and has apparently seen every Jack Black movie). Nice. I'm not sure I get the appeal of this show (nor do I get why my friend Cherie thinks Bret Harrison, who plays Sam, is cute), but Ray Wise sparkles as the Devil and I'm considering joining the dark side now. Or is the dark side only for Star Wars?

I do love how Dolores Herbig and her big brown eyes have shown up in both series featuring reapers. Only fans of Dead Like Me will appreciate that joke.

I am slightly annoyed that we now have two shows centered around lovable dorks who work at generic superstores. Who will win the battle? Reaper or Chuck? Or will both emerge victorious?

Criminal Minds
I'm not sure I like where they're headed with Mandy Patinkin's send off but considering how he screwed the show, perhaps it's only fitting. Matthew Gray Gubler is still cute as Dr. Spencer Reed, the youngest most adorable genius ever, and I remain impressed with Thomas Gibson. (I mean, Dharma & Greg? Yech.) The murders kind of freaked me out but the resolution was weak. I hope things improve and that Hotch doesn't get canned.

And finally, in the real world...
I need a Manolo Blahnik Fairy. I've heard nice things about Renee Zellweger which make me feel bad every time I cringe at her scrunched up face. It's kind of groovy when stars are weirdly altruistic (and Paris and Avril's bs publicity stunts don't count)!

Donald Trump called Dan Rather a loser on CNN. First Rosie, now Dan... who will he set his sights on next? And why should we care?

The Judge in the Phil Spector murder case declared a mistrial. I guess my advice to anyone who wants to commit murder is move to Hollywood and become a washed up celebrity. I mean seriously... first OJ, then Robert Blake, now this? I guess it's true when they say bad things come in threes.

Til tomorrow (wait, it is tomorrow!)
Ms. P

America's Next Top Model

Okay, I did it. I caved and watched America's Next Top Model... or fifteen minutes of an episode, anyway. Cycle 9 starts September 19 (They're on the ninth season already? Man, time flies!) and yes, I will be tuning in, turning on and apparently my mind has dropped out.

It looked pretty funny, I have to confess (even if I still maintain that Tyra Banks is a chafe). The models were all forced to look sultry while wearing a skimpy bathing suit and sitting on blocks of ice. They also had hideous makeovers where they appeared to have really lame fake snow stuck to their faces. I guess if you can still look hot while rocking that crap maybe you do have some talent.

James Blake and Tommy Haas are busy boring me on the US Open. Can't wait for Justine and Serena to duke it out for the third time this year tomorrow night. Should be a good one! Go Justine! I'm so glad this is the last slam of the year.

Unsuccessfully avoiding the catwalk,
Ms. P

ps. Who knew Haas vs Blake would turn into such a nail-biter! Was looking quite dull in the fourth set, what can I say?