Spoilers and stuff if you haven't watched... Extendedly extended recap of the whole show. But funny! Funny and sparkling... and long.
Semi-live blogging here as it's 10 pm and I'm just starting to watch. Oh, who will win the glittering disco ball trophy thingy??? Kristi Yamaguchi, she of the perfect scores, is the best dancer by far, but I know she has a leg up (no pun intended) from all her years as a figure skater.
However... she's a woman (and a lady hasn't taken the title since season one). She's the oldest. She's Asian. She must win!!! Hee hee.
I think Cristian de la Fuente got a personality makeover about a third of the way into this as he came off as overly competitive and a bit bratty in the beginning. Some publicist must have hynotized him with the words "humility" and "gratitude." His injury helped his case (he danced through the pain!), and I do love the fact that he's in the Chilean Air Force.
Jason Taylor is some sort of football player. Or was? He doesn't do much for me, but I did enjoy his Monday Night Football paso doble.
Oh look, it's Usher... doing some sort of hip hop Riverdance. Seriously, Ush? Usher has some sort of women's fragrance now. I don't think I want to smell like a woman Usher wants. Thanks, but, uhh...
The third place finisher is coming up next... right after this Sex and the City commercial... I heard something about Miranda and Steve's marriage being rocky in the movie... big surprise there. I can't stand Steve. I love how in the first ten seconds of this ad I heard about five different spoilers. Drat!
Back to the show... past contestants are picking their faves. Oh my God, is that Joey Lawrence?!!! Euw!! What on earth happened to him?!! Uh, he's rooting for Jason. Vivica Fox, Harry Hamlin and Jane Seymour all love the Yamaguchi. Is that Wayne Newton? Or the wax figure of Wayne Newton? Lisa Rinna and her boobs want Cristian... to win. Does anyone care what Mark Cuban thinks? My nephew got his autograph at a Mavericks game. He came back with it and was like, "Who is this?"
The first cut is the deepest and third place goes to... Cristian and Cheryl. Well, he couldn't do the lifts in the free dance, but, uh, he gave it his all and stuff. What is that tattoo on his arm? It looks like something from The Blair Witch Project. "My Latinoness is not in my hips." The quote of the night, methinks. Cristian and Cheryl dance their paso doble. I like Cheryl's dominatrix outfit. If I had her figure I'd wear that thing every day. Okay, maybe not, but perhaps on Arbor Day or something.
Okay, I'd like to take this moment to say that I kind of like Tom Bergeron but whoever this chick is that co-hosts with him (okay, Samantha Harris, I looked her up)... she sucks. Please make her go away next year. One of my favorite moments of the season was when Marlee Matlin asked her why she kept putting the microphone in her face.
Penn Jillette is back flopping around the floor. Zzzz... I never minded him (though I always liked Teller better), but I recently read that he said, "Obama did great in February, and that's because that was Black History Month. And now Hillary's doing much better 'cause it's White Bitch Month, right?" and now I think he's a jerk. A jerk who can't dance!!!
Monica Seles will never be hoofer, but she will always be remembered as the woman who made women's tennis extremely noisy. WAPEET!
Crap, this post is going to be super long if they trot out every contestant.
Steve Guttenberg... still crazy. Still freakishly positive. Still, I think, the devil (remember his first score was 666!).
Oh dear, here comes Adam Carolla on his unicycle. I kind of wish he'd made it farther, but he wasn't exactly the picture of grace. I guess if they ever do Unicycling with the Stars, perhaps he'll fare better there. He has an alarming amount of spray tan on tonight. Or maybe it's my TV.
They announce the winners of the junior championship... Brittany and Brandon win and he fulfills his lifetime dream of hugging the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders as they present him with the trophy. Bit disturbing, really, as he's only 13 or something. "That's right, somebody just grew up a little more today!" exclaims Tom. Err... eep.
Here comes Priscilla Presley and her face... that... doesn't move. It's eerie. I must turn away.
I'm enjoying this love story between Jason and Cristian. Jason tenderly pulling Cristian's sleeve on. C and J hanging out, shirtless. "Just the Two of Us" playing in the background.
Marlee Matlin's back. I'm still intrigued and impressed at how well she did without being able to hear the music. I'm also still intrigued and impressed with her performance as temperamental artist Jodi Lerner on The L Word. She's 42, had children and has that figure?! Hrm. Clearly I am doing something wrong. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those Hershey Kissables earlier.
Shannon Elizabeth's quick stepping away. Earlier they showed the clip where she broke down and bitched about the judges showing what a whiny twerp she really is. How she didn't get voted off that week, I do not know. Then again, I should give her props for blowing up and saying what every contestant would probably have liked to.
I like her dress is probably the nicest thing I can say. She tainted Derek's Mormon goodness! Ugh, she looks like she's humping Tom Bergeron. I'm getting grossed out. Although I will say this, Tom's probably one of the only men alive who would say, "Thank you" when Shannon Elizabeth unwrapped herself from him. Except my Tom. He'd probably say thank you, too. Or, he'd better.
Mario's mamboing. I liked him better in Step Up. Well, not really, because I did not like that movie. Men should avoid wearing white pants.
Oh look, there's last season's winner, Helio Castroneves! He reminds me of Sascha Baron Cohen's character in Talladega Nights. Apparently the Indy 500 is this weekend. Whee.
Marissa's back and really... this routine did not flatter her. That's all I'm gonna say.
We're getting close the end... Mark says Kristi is the best student he's ever had. Someone Googled "Kristi Yamaguchi" and "arrogant" and hit my blog earlier today. I so don't get arrogant from her. They're doing their jive which was not my favorite routine (I liked last night's freestyle). Len says she's the most consistent dancer of any season. Bruno also says consistent (and his shirt reminds me of a wedding invitation). Carrie Ann thanks her for representing the ladies. It's another perfect 30 giving them a 90 out of 90 for the finale.
I really want to see this Kung Fu Panda movie. Just sayin'.
Jason says Edyta is the best coach he's ever had and that football made him a better dancer. They perform their quick step. I must admit it's impressive to see a guy this tall glide across the floor like this. I hope I'm not being sizeist. I do think this was their best dance and was even better tonight. The judges agree. Or Bruno does, anyway. The judges give them a perfect 30, too.
Okay, seriously, am I writing a novel here... let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? The winners are... KRISTI and MARK! Girl Power!
One thing I don't understand is why they don't give a donation to the winner's favorite charity as part of the prize? That disco ball is all there is? Really?
Thanks for reading. What'd you think of the results?
Until next season,
Ms. P
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