Dancing With The Stars - At Least I'm Told They're Stars...

So... my mother came for a visit recently and like most visits with my mother we spent a large amount of time arguing about politics and religion. Somewhere in there she lamented the fact that we don't have a lot of common ground and cited our difference in tv watching as an example - I watch So You Think You Can Dance and she watches Dancing with the Stars.

Well, here I am mending fences and once again subjecting myself to the scariness that is DWTS. I will argue that SYTYCD is a superior show because everyone on it can actually dance. Also, the problem with DWTS is that I recognize more of the ballroom dancers than the supposed celebs! However, DWTS is a much easier abbreviation than SYTYCD.

It's interesting to see former SYTYCD contestants like Lacey Schwimmer (she needs to cool it with the collagen), Dmitry Chaplin (who still hasn't learned to button his shirts) and Chelsie Hightower (not my favorite then or now) in a different milieu. As far as the "stars" go, it was positively surreal to see Macy Gray up there in week one. Quelle surprise she got the axe. Also eliminated in weeks one and two: Ashley Hamilton and Kathy Ireland. Unbelievably, former House Leader Tom DeLay is still in the running (proving that viewers of this show are my mother x 1,000,000) even though my favorite judge Bruno Tonioli remarked, "You're crazier than Sarah Palin!"

Yes, I have a favorite judge because before tonight I've actually watched this show a few times. I think I followed most of the Kristi Yamaguchi season (Asian power!).

It's Rumba/Samba night and the ladies are lookin' scary! I mean, I get that ballroom is sort of larger than life but man, who does the makeup for these poor girls? Melissa Joan Hart looks like a 1980s porn star! And they're all orange!

Okay, who is Louie Vito? Does anyone know? Apparently he's a snowboarder. Does ABC really think avid snowboarding fans are the target audience for this show?

Every good reality competition needs a snooty British judge and Len Goodman is no fan of anyone tonight as all have fallen in his estimation while Carrie Ann Inaba tries to spread the love.

At this point the show has way too many contestants I've never heard of and this is the reason you're being spared a play by play. Also, I need to go walk the dogs. Be right back...

Okay, the poochies are exercised and Donny Osmond is about to rumba... or samba... or something with his plastic surgeried face. Is now a good time to talk about how much I loved Donny & Marie when I was a kid? I have a picture of me from 1977 hanging out on the Jersey shore wearing my sky blue D&M t-shirt and sporting a Dorothy Hamill haircut. God, I was so freakin' cool. Anyway, Donny appears to be having an affair with Bruno and after fake making out with him proclaims, "They're not going to let me back in Utah anymore!" He gets the highest all around praise, but not scores (those went to Mya).

Hey, we're talking about man love so let's show the two gay dudes from Modern Family! They're in the audience! Huzzah!

Paula Abdul's here, too, talking about how Donny Osmond is delusional. Pot, kettle, etc etc. That lady bought a one way ticket to Bonkertown and hasn't been heard from since.

Some grouchy dude who looks like he must be this year's football player performs a samba. Michael Irvin is his name and samba's not really his game. I really don't understand this show. Two hours of mediocre dancing? How is this fun? Is it me? What am I missing, people?

Holy cow, somewhere Phil Collins is barfing over this milquetoasty version of "In The Air Tonight." At least I hope he is. This band is making me sad. They're not even trying, are they? Anyway, PC butchering aside, everyone loves Natalie Coughlin. She's a swimmer. Yeah...

Oh my goodness... Chuck Liddell... wow.

They just showed Aaron Carter dancing with Donny Osmond. I think Donny has a closet to come out of or something. As for Aaron Carter... was he a Backstreet Boy? Or the brother of one? Either way, he's wearing a translucent bathrobe and wants to do a rumba that comes "straight from the heart." If straight from the heart means almost falling over, then yes, he was successful.

This Tom DeLay bit is just... this makes the last two hours all worthwhile. Tom's not a quitter and even though he's a crooked politician I find myself feeling these strange stirrings of respect for the man who will not give up even though he has stress fractures in both feet and dances like a robot. He's shaking his hips and you can see him counting the beat and gosh darnit if it's not just a little bit cute.

So, this is what Dancing with the Stars will do to you... turn you into a republican sympathizer. Watch at your own risk.