Live Blogging The MTV Video Music Awards - Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night

(The above is proof that the internets now move faster than the speed of crappy pop culture. Thanks to Yael for this find.)

Why am I doing this to you, you might ask? Why am I doing this to myself is the better question. Blogging is pain, people.

9.00 pm This show gets more and more ridiculous as each year passes. I'm sure 2000 and fine will be no exception. I think I'm only doing this for Russell Brand and certainly not for...

MADONNA(!!!!), who kicks off the show looking Botoxed to the max. Maddy's weaving a fascinating (not really) tale of how Michael Jackson's life was just like hers... or something. I guess she had dinner with MJ and held his hand? And there's crotch grabbing and moonwalking going on in her house? People are crying... or pretending to. MADONNA, YOU ARE SO FULL OF GRAVITAS I BET YOU WOULD CRY, TOO, IF YOUR FACE COULD MOVE!!!

9.08 pm Okay, Madonna finally stopped talking about herself and now a bunch of dancers are doing a Michael Jackson montage. I get why we're paying tribute to MJ and everything, but I'm sort of oh please at the fauxness of it all. However, I will say it's pretty kick ass that Janet Jackson is there lip synching away as Beyonce goes wild.

9.13 pm Part of the reason I love writing about shows like this and the Teen Choice Awards is so I can find out just how out of touch I am with what's going on in pop culture. Like now, who is this chick singing, "We Will Rock You?" Katy Perry? I mean, I know who Joe Perry is at least. Hey, I was right! It is Katy Perry. Is she related to Joe? I bet she's his long lost sister.

9.16 pm Russell Brand hasn't been onstage more than ten seconds and he's already said something disgusting although I'm not quite sure what. Something about a hole/entrance (sorry). Russell implores us all to love each other because Robert Pattinson and P Diddy are in the house. I thought he was just Diddy now? See, I know nothing.

9.18 pm "The Jonas Brothers have to forgive me, they're Christians." Best line of the night so far.

9.20 pm I'm not even going to hang my hat on this Lady Gaga hermaphrodite bit.

9.21 pm "I suppose English people are a bit different than you... instead of letting people die in the street we have free health care." Zing!!

9.23 pm Shakira and Taylor Lautner go through some stupid she-wolf banter and present Best Female Video to Taylor Swift for "You Belong with Me." I've never heard this song and now I realize what's been missing in my life. I bet Beyonce is pissed.

9.25 pm OH MY GOD. Well, that happened. In the middle of Taylor's acceptance speech Kanye West burst onstage, took her mic from her, and yelled out "I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME!!" I totally wrote that Beyonce joke before this happened so I'm not taking it out. I never thought I'd feel sorry for Taylor Swift but, well, apparently now I do. People are standing and cheering and booing. It's mayhem! Stay classy, Kanye!

9.27 pm I really feel like I should stop watching now because where can the show go from here? It's all downhill, I'm sure.

9.34 pm Jack Black asks everyone to pray to the devil with him while Leighton Meester looks mildly disgusted. They give Best Rock Video to Green Day for "21 Guns." I guess praying to the devil really works because Kings of Leon did not win.

9.38 pm Taylor Swift is busking at the 42nd Street station. Kanye killed her career superfast. I'm impressed. Here I was thinking he wasn't that relevant anymore.

9.48 pm Pete Wentz is really short.

9.49 pm Lady Gaga's mask makes her look both cross-eyed and like the guy from Flock of Seagulls. An impressive feat. Given her almost complete lack of clothing I'm pretty sure we can safely say she is not a hermaphrodite. This "Paparazzi" song is ridiculous but since Lady Gaga is an Illuminati puppet I kind of dig her. Apparently playing a horrible piano solo will kill you because inexplicably she's covered in blood now. Man, I hope she doesn't die or anything.

9.55 pm I just realized this show is two and a half hours long. I thought it was only two. I am now inconsolable.

10.00 pm I think Russell Brand just said he wanted to slip a roofie to Megan Fox. Euw.

10.03 pm Best Pop Video goes to Britney Spears. Umm, wha? Geez, where's Kanye now with the outrage??!!

10.05 pm Green Day are playing. Katy Perry's rocking out. This is a good time for a pizza break.

10.16 pm Be still my beating heart, it's R-Patz and the rest of those Twilight people. I'm sooo Team Jacob. Oooh it's an extended look at the New Moon trailer. Dakota Fanning is creeeeepy. God, I remember what it was like to have tons of feelings as I tried to save my one true love... I felt just as confused as Kristen Stewart generally looks.

10.20 pm Oh goodie, Beyonce's here. I super hope she does the rope dance. Please do the rope climbing dance, B! It sounds like she's about to cover Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight." I'm so glad she's bringing leotards and lasers back. Someone needed to. YES!!! I swear that rope climbing gets me every time. I actually just exclaimed and Tom's like, "What is wrong with you?" Poor Tom. He suffers for my art, too. Cuz yeah, this is art. Holy crap there's like fifty leotard ladies on stage now. If they all rope dance I'm going to explode. Drat. Denied.

10.32 pm Diddy (or P Diddy?) and Jamie Lynn Sigler give Best Male Video to TI, who is apparently in prison on a federal weapons conviction. Well, that's the cleverest excuse I've heard for skipping this crappy show. Thank God Kanye didn't win. He was roundly booed when they announced his name as a nominee and I was feeling totes uncomfortable about what would happen if he took the prize. I'm too delicate to witness a tween riot.

10.38 pm Apparently Muse is big here now. Thanks a lot Stephenie Meyer. I liked them better when they were ALL MINE.

10.40 pm Cyndi Lauper, Tracy Morgan and Eminem are doing a video skit together. Never thought I'd write that sentence.

10.43 pm It's hard to be funny every two minutes so if part of this sucks, sorry.

10.49 pm J-Lo presents Best Hip Hop Video to Eminem. First Britney, now this... MTV is sooo ten years ago.

10.51 pm I wondered when the DJ AM tribute was coming (some rapper, I have no idea who, is doing a song). It's interrupted by shots of Jay-Z's motorcade. I see.

10.57 pm I defended Russell Brand last year, but he's sort of bombing. At least his hair looks normal. I can live without hearing about his erections, though.

10.58 pm Tracy Morgan sings "Time After Time" while Eminem gives Best New Artist to Lady Gaga. Her outfit is making me seriously LOL. It defies description. She says her award is for "God and The Gays." See, she's awesome.

11.00 pm Serena Williams introduces Pink and makes a joke about stepping over lines. I guess most people did not see her hideous freak out at last night's US Open. Or maybe they did and are cheering anyway. Oh God, I can see Pink's boob. When is this show over, again? Pink is singing (read: lip synching) while upside down. This reminds me of Tommy Lee on the Motley Crue Theatre of Pain tour (except he was actually playing).

Okay, I find it oh so fitting that as Serena was busy making stupid jokes at the VMAs, Kim Clijsters was busy kicking ass in the US Open Women's Final. So... you know... joke's on you Serena.

11.11 pm Only twenty minutes left! w00t! I don't even want to know how long this post is.

11.12 pm Gosh, it's Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon. It's Video of the Year!! It goes to Beyonce for "Single Ladies" (I told you the rope climbing was powerful). Vindication for Kanye! Lady Gaga has a bird's nest on her face (see, what's not to love?)!

Okay, Beyonce just let Taylor Swift have her acceptance speech. And Taylor just happened to be right there. With a mic. Wearing a cute red dress just like Beyonce. Sorry, but I think I have to call BS. Does this make me a horrible cynic? Good.

11.20 pm I think all that's left is Jay-Z and his motorcade arriving and blah blah blah. I feel cheated just like at the Movie Awards when I believed in Eminem's outrage over Sacha Baron Cohen's crotch in his face. Fool me once, MTV!!! Now the shame is all on me..

And goodnight! True Blood is calling.

I don't know how long this will stay up, but...