Project Runway - Episode 1

We're all pysched for season 5 of Project Runway, right? Season 4 lacked a bit of drama, and there are maybe two frocks that I even remember so let's hope that this fifth go round, and the last in NYC (can you believe they're going to Los Angeles AND Lifetime next year? I'm still shaking my head), fashionably delivers the goods.

We're introduced to the contestants and then omg! here comes Austin Scarlett to welcome the boys and girls to Gristede's for the grocery store challenge.

I see someone purchasing bell peppers and kale... okay... Tim tells the group they're a bunch of slackers after witnessing tablecloth after tablecloth on the dress forms. Tee hee.

Also, can I just say that I would like a Bluefly.com accessory wall? I'm sure they'd give me one once they saw how fashionable I am (not).

Random thoughts on the designers and their episode 1 creations...

Jerrell Scott. Son of Jerell needs to button his shirt. He says he designs for celebrities and Saudi royalty. I say that's a pretty broad statement. I hope I never see his umbrella drink accented dress on either. Also, his TG impersonation blows.

Blayne Walsh. The self-confesssed tanning junkie makes me wonder how orange he'll be by the time he's auf wiedersehen'ed? At first glance his "girlicious" garment looks disturbing (Michael Kors said it looked like the model had on a diaper). His personality reminds me of Vincent the Insane from season 3. Oh dear God, he's a barista in real life.

Joe Faris. The hetero guy with facial hair. Who was last season's? Kevin or something? Zzzz... He put pasta on a skirt and made a halter out of an oven mitt. How very... Betty Crocker.

Stella Zotis. The female Jeffrey Sebelia. "Tim, I have a dilemma. I have picked a garbage bag." So maybe the female JS doesn't recreate his success. I once wore a garbage bag to a seventh grade social. Seriously.

Jennifer Diedrich. She seems a little boring and greets Tim in a towel, but her clothes look beautiful and her white ruffled minidress made out of paper towels is pretty cute and seems fairly wearable, although not by me... especially with those lipstick smooches on it.

Kelli Martin. The punk rock boutique owner with requisite tattoos, she made a dress out of burnt coffee filters and vacuum bag cleaners with hook and eye closures made out of a spiral notebook wire that equals ugly halter, but beautiful skirt.

Terri Stevens. She works fast but fast doesn't mean good. I swear I saw a mesh catsuit in her portfolio. However, I might be swayed by the fact that she crocheted a mop as part of her ensemble.

Jerry Tam. Oooh, interesting Asian minimalist. His concept of April Showers sounds good, but... well... I hope the judges will be fooled... oops, they're not. They think it looks like a serial killer's outfit (see above) and a "handiwipe gone wrong."

Suede. Not only am I irked that someone who is 37 years old would call himself "Suede," Suede talks about himself in the third person ("Suede needed to make miillions for Suede") so of course I hate him already. Suede's blue and golden blond (in honor of the the Cub Scouts? Notre Dame?) fauxhawk is stupid. Suede has been cast for drama, but he doesn't seem as interesting as Christian or Santino. More Wendy Pepper. I mean, a picnic tablecloth and doggie bags?!

Emily Brandle. Emily owns a company called Smoke and Mirrors Clothing and is here "to do a job" and she's "gonna do it." Well, I don't know if this is "it" but I sure hope not. Can someone please tell me what this is? She thinks it's forward and wearable. I'm not so sure.

Keith Bryce. KB says he designs his "urban and a little bit raw" fashions with Heidi in mind. He also says he was born with his "gift" that others train for years to attain. Good for him. He's fashioning something possibly interesting except that he, too, is using a tablecloth du picnic.

Kenley Collins. She says her aesthetic is "loud" while wearing an orange dress with a giant bright yellow flower in her hair. At least she's self-aware, and true to form her first frock made out of dodgeball and lawn chair is... slightly architectural and slightly deafening.

Daniel Field. The second coming of Malan Breton or Daniel Vosovic? He put together an interesting strapless concoction out of plastic cups so maybe he's more like the second coming of Mychael Knight, who did the ultra fab coffee filter dress, and has apparently now changed the spelling of his name to Mychael. Umm.. yeah...

Korto Momolu. Liberian Korto now lives in, err, Little Rock, Arkansas. Poor thing. Korto's salad neckpiece has her "praying the tomatoes stay in place." Her sunny vegetable couture with tomato brooches (she called them broaches) is good enough to put her in contention as a possible winner for the challenge. Austin calls the veggies "alive fresh grocery product."

Leanne Marshall. The silent fashion assassin? Okay, I almost liked this Feist lookalike until she said that... and had a marshmallow covered pink thing come walking down the runway.

Wesley Nault: Wesley worked for Marc Jacobs, thinks highly of himself, and uses fur so whatever. His blindingly yellow fly swatter whatever that is = meh.

Kelli (and her coffee filtered bust) is the big winner and Jerry's out. Asians won't be representin' this season. Bummer. I mean, what's wrong with serial killers?!

Speaking of killers, I wonder if Tim Gunn off'ed anyone with that champagne cork.

On another note, I can't be the only person excited about Mamma Mia!, right? Right?!

It's 2 am and I'm watching Dracula 2000. It's amazing that Gerard Butler, Jonny Lee Miller, Christopher Plummer, Jennifer Esposito, Jeri Ryan, Danny Masterson, Nathan Fillion and Omar Epps were all this desperate in the Y2K.

Power-saw to the people,
Ms. P