Top Chef: Film Food

Spoilers... alerting you.

I meant to write yesterday and do some little thing about how on April 1, 1971 yours truly came to America and isn't that funny that I was a wee April Fool's joke, etc etc. However, the fact that I came here 37 years ago just isn't that fascinating. However, as I'm now on Day 10 of the Master Cleanse, I did wonder if my Korean genetics would have done better on a not so American diet, but I'm sure everyone would be slightly rotund after living on white chocolate mochas... and ice cream... for four years...

Whenever I do the MC (this is my third time) I become obsessed with any kind of cooking show. So here I am watching Top Chef, a series I'm trying to get into, but am having trouble with. The contestants seem whiny, the food not that interesting, and it's hard to judge something you can't taste. At least with Project Runway, ANTM et al you can see the clothes, the models, etc - you can judge as actively as anyone else.

I'm definitely looking forward to Step It Up & Dance, which starts tomorrow. I will watch anything about dance except Dancing with the Stars... until this season. The lure of Marlee Matlin and Kristi Yamaguchi was just too great. Priscilla Presley totally freaks me out, and Steve Guttenberg, the devil, is now gone.

But back to Top Chef... the challenge seems to be make food in the style of a film for Richard Roeper and Aisha Tyler. BFD, right? Maybe if I ate meat or knew how to cook this would be more appealing? I do like watching people chop things and stuff (although hearing "pack up your knives and go home" always makes me cringe. That's definitely the worst auf wiedersehen of the Bravo reality shows).

Is high drama really watching a Whole Foods employee say, "Sea bass is a great fish?" Seriously? Oh my God! There's no rack of lamb to spare!

They keep calling Aisha Tyler an actress. I thought she hosted something on E!?? Okay, I just looked her up on IMDB. She is an actress. Sort of.

Now we're treated to a dinner party with Roeper, Tyler, the weird Top Chef host and a bunch of food snobs (I am not a food snob although I had some lik 'm aid recently and that stuff is nasty... I can't believe I loved it as a kid. Anyway, I'm just a regular snob). The first course is Willy Wonka (they kept talking about Oompa Loompas, but I don't see any on the plate), the second Good Morning Vietnam (err, ok, no Robin Williams on the plate, either). Next up is Il Postino (no Kevin Costner? Oh, wrong movie?) , followed by A Christmas Story (I'm the only person I know who can't stand that film). Everyone just loves the C'mas Story dish. Listening to these people talk about the vibrancy of the food is making me lose my appetite and after ten days of no eating that is quite a feat.

Here comes Talk to Her in the form of some lamb thing. Have you seen how cute lambs are? I could never eat one never mind eat one and think about Pedro Almodovar, who I love. The final dish is Top Secret, Val Kilmer's finest film. Somehow this comedy gets turned into New York Strip steak and braised short rib with carmelized apples. "Does this say Val Kilmer in a cow suit? I don't know," says one of the guests. That is... deep.

The judges deliberate, and I guess Top Secret did say Val Kilmer in a cow suit as it's one of the favorites and they praise its harmoniousness. And the winner is Richard, the fauxhawked Willy Wonka guy. OMG, who's going to pack their knives up?! Manuel. He takes it like a man. Good on you, Manuel.

Tomorrow I get to drink orange juice! Oh boy!
Ms. P