American Idol: How Deep Is Your Love

I went back to Tae Kwon Do class for the first time in a month so I sit here writing with ice packs on both feet. Pathetic, right? Adding to the patheticness is my endeavor to semi-live blog the first episode of American Idol.

I wonder if I can make it through the whole season. I've given up on Make Me A Supermodel (boring contestants, boring hosts) and Dance War: Bruno vs Carrie (boring contestants, one boring host and its name isn't Bruno) so I'm ripe for the picking when it comes to facing proof that we're all going to hell. I've only seen AI a handful of times so for all you junkies out there I hope you appreciate that I'm a veritable Idol Virgin! Oh boy!

I've missed Ryan Seacrest since the Emmys. It's good to spend some qt with ol' Ry as he chats up little kids and grandmas alike. Right now I'm getting some history lessons as he tells us all about Philadelphia and how it was the home to "of course, Ben Franklin." Oh yeah, and Rocky.

It's quite shocking to me that Philadelphia alone garnered an entire arena full of young singing hopefuls. Paula Abdul shows up and gives some "please don't touch me" hugs to the girls lined up awaiting her arrival.

First up is Joey Catalano, a 19-year old who says his 204 lb weight loss has done so much for him (but not his fashion sense, apparently. Joey, you're 19, lose the pleated pants, dude!) At least JC doesn't have to "fake the funk" (his words, not mine) as he belts out some stupid Maroon 5 song. I say "some stupid Maroon 5 song" because all Maroon 5 songs are stupid. Paula's rocking out and all three judges agree - Joey's going to Hollywood! Philadelphia has its first success story!

Gawd, American Idol is on season seven already? That's just craziness. I resisted this show for a long time and when I finally gave in (I was still living in LA at the time), I watched with a friend of mine and we laughed and laughed at all the disasters until one of the contestants (who tanked rather spectacularly) turned out to be a homeless kid I used to counsel at Covenant House. He would always sing in group, and he had a lovely voice. I'm not sure what happened in his audition. Anyway, that put the kibosh on the funny and I haven't really seen it since (other than to watch Taylor "Soul Patrol Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" Hicks win, whenever that was).

But here I am ready to be rude to strangers once again. I'm honestly baffled by some of these contestants, much as I am during the initial stages of So You Think You Can Dance. Are people really this deluded or are they in on the joke? Someone, please clue me in.

There's an Egyptian guy who loves the Bee Gees and a girl named Melanie who does Natasha Bedingfield (and makes it through). Next up: James Lewis, a 22-year old tour guide in Philly. He seems quite normal... until he starts singing... "Go Down Moses." He says he sounds like Eddie Vedder. He might be the first African American gentleman I've ever heard say that. Paula and Randy are obviously laughing in his face and I can't believe he has the guts to continue. I want to laugh, but I feel quite sad, actually. James told us his co-workers encouraged him to do this. I remember another guy on SYTYCD who said the same thing, and I wonder why their co-workers hate these people. They seem perfectly nice to me.

Crikey, "Unchained Melody" should be banned from auditions. We're treated to a montage of dreadfulness until Junot Joyner, a 25- year old from Maryland gives us a lovely rendition of "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues," and Simon loses his barfy face and sends him through to Hollywood along with the guy who does "Unchain My Heart" in Spanish and some cute and slightly dorky white guy.

And then comes Temptress Brown... She's a 16-year old middle linebacker (for real!) who loves her sick mama and has very nice manners. She does that "I'm Not Going" song from Dreamgirls. She doesn't sing with the personality she possesses which is a bummer. At least the terrible trio are nice about it. TB cries and Paula calls for a group hug. Idol cares!

After the commercial break, it's Mark Hayes from New Jersey. Mark can chirp like crickets, but he cannot sing. He's followed by Udi Sampat who dresses up like a pimped out Elvis and does the MC Hammer dance for his co-workers as a way to motivate them. He sings "My Way" and yes, he certainly does it... his way. Simon dashes his hopes and tells him not to quit his day job.

Cue montage of totally crap renditions of "I Love Rock n Roll." Somewhere Joan Jett is crying.

All through the show we've seen glimpses of some crazy lady with glitter all over her face and are tantalized by the freak out that's to come. Crazy lady's name is Alexis Cohen and she "marches to the beat of a different drummer." AC thinks she's interesting and unique. I don't want to disavow her of this notion. Oh no, they're showing her and her insane living conditions (a studio apartment that she shares with her mother, two cats and a dog). Alexis channels her inner Grace Slick as she belts out "Somebody to Love" (damn it - Simon and Randy just used the word "channels", too, pfft). All told, I think the judges were pretty kind, but Alexis comes out and starts spewing a bunch of rehearsed sounding invectives. She then declares she's going into acting and tells the camera that Simon can kiss her ass. She also gives the finger... many times.

I just got a CNN update that Mitten won the Michigan Primary. Drat! Or maybe that's good. I don't know yet.

Cue laughter and tears montage followed by Angela Martin, a girl who had a baby when she was a senior in high school. Her daughter has health issues and she's here singing for her and her family. God, she better not suck, it will be too heartbreaking. Whew. After serenading us with some Stevie, she's on to Hollywood. Her family knocks Ryan down in their excitement, and he looks... rather blank, actually. An honest Seacrest moment.

Moving on to day two... and God knows, it might take you two days to read this damn post. Are you still with me? Thanks, you.

Anyway, day two brings us Elise something or other who dances around the holding room like a crazed stripper, cites Regina Spektor (sorry Reg) as an influence, and goodness... is that singing? I feel like I'm watching a cartoon. On acid. And just as I wrote that, Simon said she reminds him of a nightmare he had last week. I hate to think that Simon and I are linked in any manner (I'll take his shiny white teeth and gobs of money, though). Cue string of screeching white chicks.

I'm not even going to talk about Milo the middle-aged bald guy in the leopard print furry vest who performs a song called "No Sex Allowed."

He's followed by Kristy Lee Cook the cage fighter from Oregon and her "Amazing Grace." She sounds as lovely as she looks and the judges seem relieved. I would say expect to see more of her, but last time I did that the girl was gone by the time I watched the show again.

After the commercials, some freak dressed in Princess Leia's slave outfit from Return of the Jedi shows up. And when I say, "some freak" I mean "some dude with a really hairy chest." They don't even let him sing.

Cue montage of disgruntled rejects who must be bleeped.

Nondescript Paul Marturano sings a stalker ode to Paula. Geez, I hope there's a judge handy to sign a restraining order. There was one funny line where he warbled, "If she was Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her," but otherwise, it was pretty darn grody.

Here comes another cute blonde (Beth Stalker, nice segue) who can carry a tune, and she's a welcome break from the pain. Simon says no, but Paula and Randy override him and Stalker number two is on her way to Cali.

(By the way, this Moment of Truth show looks horrible... I will not be watching. Just in case you were wondering.)

Hairy chest guy is back. He got waxed, but he still looks... unappealing. They let him sing one line of "Don'tcha" before kicking him out again.

Chris Watson, who's here representing Delaware Tech, sings some Uncle Cracker song. This is kind of humorously ironic considering that Chris is African American. He's quite pretty and the judges dig him. Yes, yes, yes!

Is this over yet? I'm desperate to watch the debate.

Cue montage of non-disgruntled rejects.

A ha! The last two contestants. Christina Talisano, a future corrections officer from Connecticut, is also sporting Princess Leia gear. Princess Leia hair, to be more specific (along with a Star Wars belt). She says "duh" a lot and tells us that men love her. I'm not sure if I'm afraid or amused. Her trilling is making my ears bleed. Aww, after getting the no she lamented, "If a dork walks in the door, they don't want you." Dork discrimination! Let's picket!

The last contestant is Brooke, an adorable nanny from Van Nuys who's never seen a rated R movie (and neither has her husband, apparently). Miss Sunshine and Light gets her ticket to LA, and roll credits.

I'm not going to tell you the word count of this post. It's too embarrassing. I can't believe there's another two hour episode tomorrow night. In Texas, no less. How do you Idol people do it?!! Sigh.

Nighties,
Ms. P