Live Blogging The Grammys - I Really Hope Kanye Wins

It's kind of surreal to think that last year at the Grammys I was THERE. I was there and didn't really see any famous types. We weren't seated on the floor so I didn't get to rub elbows with Gwynnie... I'm still sad.

Oh man, here we go... Haus of Gaga!!

Hour I

8.00 This may be the single biggest reason I'm sad not to be at the Grammys this year. I would love to see Lady Gaga perform live. I'm so not lying. She looks like some kind of drag queen superhero and I'm sure you'll see 90000 pictures of this getup tomorrow. It's beyond.

8.03 Lady Gaga and Elton John. Beyond the beyond. They do a medley of "Speechless" and "Your Song" and it may be the most awesome thing I've ever seen. The show can only go downhill from here.

8.08 Stephen Colbert (is he the host? Seriously, I have no idea what's going on here) comes out and says, "We are here tonight to celebrate what I believe is our most precious right. The right of celebrities to congratulate each other. One more time, come on." The celebrities look confused. He gives a shout out to Jeff Beck, which is excellent, because who, besides my friend Lori and me, is in luv with him?

Oooouch. Colbert says that Justin Timberlake brought the sexy back and Susan Boyle sent it away. Not nice.

8.11 Oh, I guess he's presenting Song of the Year. He has an iPad. "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It," by Beyonce and a bunch of other people, wins The bunch of other people get played off after two seconds because Bouncy isn't there. Whew. I'm prepared for Kings of Leon to win something... just not so soon.

8.15 LOL at Jennifer Lopez introducing Green Day. American Idiot is a Broadway musical and they're performing "21 Guns" with the cast. I'm actually kind of digging this and have nothing bad to say... shocking, I know... and it's not even because Billie Joe's sister reads my blog. Really.

8.25 For some inexplicable reason Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel are here. They present Best Country Album to Taylor Swift who looks faux surprised. Some creepy dude is giving her a standing ovation. He's the only one. I really wish Kanye would run onstage right now. I did not just say that.

8.27 CBS is taking advantage of broadcasting the show by pushing The Mentalist on us. Simon Baker introduces Beyonce and a... SWAT team? Bouncy, as I call her, is... covering Alanis Morrissette's "You Oughta Know." Uh, wut? Love her shoes, though. I would break every bone in my body if I wore those things and she's running around the Staples Center emoting like crazy. Good lord. It's sort of unfair that Beyonce is so perfect... but she gave us the rope dance so I forgive her.

8.39 Heidi Klum looks perplexed to see Seal onstage. Okay... what the hell? He talks for five seconds about how they're giving Leonard Cohen a Lifetime Achievement Award then introduces... Pink??!! I'm offended.

It's Pink du Soleil time (a phrase coined by my friend Sarah). Pink is hanging above the audience at Staples in a diaper. A wet diaper. And she's mostly naked. Am I watching Flashdance? I'm so confused right now. She's a real daredevil, that Pink. Taylor Swift's mom, Carlos Santana, and LL Cool J love it.

8.45 Best New Artist goes to The Zac Brown Band. Who?? Dave Matthews looks happy but I don't care. I wanted MGMT to win... or The Ting Tings. That's actually a weird group of nom noms.

8.54 Miley's weave is freaking me out. But not as much as Will I Am and his creepy face mask!! Crikey! The Black Eyed Peas perform some new song that sounds a lot like the old songs. They're rapping "Imma be the future." More like Imma be having nightmares. Oh good, now they're doing "I Gotta Feeling." People can relax to autotune and the comfort of familiarity and Fergie's visor. Keith Urban and Jon Bon Jovi are digging this scene. Or pretending to.

An hour's passed already? Well, here you go...

Hour II

9.02 Lady Antebellum... just gonna gloss over this one because I have no idea who she is.

9.10 Best Comedy Album goes to Stephen Colbert... I feel short-changed... we didn't get to see Best Comedy Album last year. It wasn't part of the ceremony. Wow, the Grammys are hardcore. They play him off after ten seconds.

9.18 I really appreciate these long commercial breaks. No lie. How is it time for Record of the Year already? I think the same songs were nominated for... everything over and over. And the winner is... "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon. The drummer is CLAPPING FOR HIMSELF! People are standing. I am sitting.

9.21 Jamie Foxx is blowing my mind right now.... which is what I need after what just happened. You know, I never heard this song "Blame It On The Alcohol" before. How did I live without it? Oh look! It's, uh, Slash. Soloing. This is hot mess to the extreme. I mean, last year I got T.I., Kanye, Jay-Z, MIA and Lil Wayne doing "Swagga Like Us." Score one for me.

9.27 Am in real life lol'ing at Ke$ha and Justin Bieber and their totally botched vote for a Bon Jovi song bit. That was so Sesame Street "One of these things is not like the other."

9.32 I like how they give two seconds to these legends awards and two hundred years to the suck.

9.33 Katy Perry and Alice Cooper (there's a pair for the ages) present Best Rock Album to Green Day.

9.34 Chris O'Donnell is here... of course. He intros the Zac Brown Band. You know, that group none of us have heard of who won Best New Artist earlier thus assuring their place in obscurity. Are they country? Are they hippies? Are they some strange hybrid?

9.37 I can't believe this goes on for another two hours. This will be a fight to the finish.

9.45 It's Taylor Swift... singing a song... that she wrote. Now it's Taylor Swift... singing a duet... with Stevie freaking Nicks! I'm sorry but Taylor Swift's voice is just... bad. I mean, I know I'm flying in the face of the wisdom of millions of record buyers but someone must agree with me on this?!! Still, she can't ruin the joy of seeing Nicks performing "Rhiannon." The joy that is now being diminished by watching Stevie Nicks sing "You Belong With Me.

9.52 Last year's sign of the apocalypse was The Jonas Brothers with Stevie Wonder. This year it's Taylor Swift with Stevie Nicks. Next year I vote all Stevies stay the hell away or it will be the final herald of the four horsemen or something.

9.54 3-D Celine Dion, Usher, Jennifer Hudson and Smokey Robinson are singing along with Michael Jackson as we're treated to shots of Beyonce and Rihanna wearing those goofy red/blue 3-D glasses. I am speechless. So close to being dignified... instead, kinda cuckoo. MJ's kids kinda break my heart. Okay, they totally break my heart as they accept a Lifetime Achievement Award for their dad.

And thus endeth hour ii...

Hour III and III.5

10.09 After a long, complex introduction by Sheryl Crow, Bon Jovi hits the stage with some song that's not "Runaway" so I don't care. Okay, Jon Bon Jovi either has a great plastic surgeon or made a deal with the devil. AND I heard he's super nice. AND they're doing "Livin' On A Prayer." Suddenly I'm 16, drinking vodka and Diet Slice all over again.

10.17 Placido Domingo and Mos Def - a hilarious duo - give Best Rap/Sung Collaboration (wha?) to Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West for "Run This Town." I guess people have forgiven Kanye enough to give the award to Jay-Z and Rihanna. When they thank Yeezy I think I hear one person applaud. Forgiveness is divine, people!! I mean, seriously, that crowd should not be throwing stones. Ultimate glass house.

10.27 Andrea Bocelli is here to class the joint up. Singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water," which is being recorded for Haitian earthquake relief (and will be available later on iTunes), with Mary J. Blige, is the highlight of the evening so far. Transformative. Tear inducing. Man alive.

10.46 Best Female Pop Vocal Performance goes to Beyonce for "Halo." The award is given to her by Lea Michele who sang "Halo" on Glee. I confess I listen exclusively to the Glee version... mostly because it's a mashup with "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves.

10.56 I think I missed the Maxwell Memo. I'm sorry but I'm not down... if only for that cover of Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work," a song that is sacred to me. SACRED, I TELL YOU! He is kind of a babe, though.

10.58 Oh hey, Roberta Flack! Now we're gettin' groovy...

11.00 In Memoriam... awww Dan Seals.

11.03 Haha Gaga!

11.04 Holy Gods, Jeff Beck doing the Les Paul tribute. At this point I almost don't care anymore because this is what happens when you decide to liveblog a three and a half hour show. Toward the end you feel like your life force has been drained. Or you do if you are old and lame like me.

11.12 I just read that Phoenix won for Best Alternative Album for Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. That's neat. Last year My Morning Jacket lost to Radiohead. That was less neat but not surprising.

11.13 I really wish Lil Wayne would stop swearing so I could hear this song. Hey lookit, it's Eminem. Em's lost some weight. Maybe he can give me a few tips. Really dudes, stop f'ing swearing! All I hear is silence... which actually may be preferable. Drake cracks me UP. Why? Because I watched Degrassi, that's why.

11.18 How long is this post now? Ninety million words? Are you still here? Thank you.

11.22 In case you were wondering why you've only seen five actual awards when there are about five million categories, the full list of winners is here.

11.26 This time Taylor Swift looks genuinely surprised... to win Album of the Year. SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE. Nice going, Grammy voters. AOTY contains the lyric, "She wears high heels, I wear sneakers" and is sung by someone who can't sing. This is all Kanye's fault, isn't it?

Goodnight.