Live Blogging the Golden Globes - The Whole Enchilada

Watching the red carpet coverage on E! Always so full of awkward... like right now with Ryan Seacrest asking Fergie and Josh Duhamel why they renewed their vows recently. Or January Jones stiffly discussing why she doesn't want to wear 60s fashions even though all the designers are doing them right now because she "doesn't want to walk around as Betty all day." I will say her dress is killer, though, and the fashions are a lot less fug this year with some notable exceptions (Diane Kruger looking like cotton candy and Jennifer Morrison as the cowardly lion).

NBC's coverage starts in two minutes with Billy Bush. Billy Bush... Ryan Seacrest... poke needles in my eye or... poke needles in my eye. I'll, uh, be back when the show starts because these NBC hosts are making my IQ drop... and Mariah Carey has just blinded me.

Okay, here we go... let's hope Ricky Gervais kills it.

HOUR I

8.00 Enthusiastic applause as the stars acknowledge one of their own while simultaneously praying Gervais doesn't roast them to bits.

8.02 Cameron Diaz looks confused about Ricky Gervais' penis reduction surgery.

8.04 Obligatory Angelina Jolie adopts a bunch of kids joke followed by obligatory "Let's get started before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno" joke. All in all, a decent opening bit.

8.05 Nicole Kidman, whose plastic surgeon is doing a better job these days, presents Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture to Mo'Nique for Precious. Anna Kendrick looks a little bummed, but Mariah Carey and her boobs giver her a standing ovation. Props to Mo'Nique for calling the cast and crew "the cast and crew" and not "my cast and crew." Man, I hate that.

8.09 Matthew Fox, whose plastic surgeon is not doing a better job these days, and Sofia Vergara, who looks much prettier in real life, present Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical to Toni Collette, whom I love. Unfortunately I do not love her show, The United States of Tara... and she just said, "my cast." Damn.

8.18 John Lithgow just won something. William Hurt has a giant beard. Jeremy Piven's giving his best "Oh, I lost" face. This must be Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Why do they make these categories so freaking long?!

8.20 Mike Tyson is really happy to see Paul McCartney, who's here to make jokes about how animation is for adults who take drugs... and present Best Animated Feature Film to Up. I didn't see Up. Was that the balloon boy movie that did not feature the Heene family?

8.26 Thank God for the commercial break. Time to breathe and edit. The speeches so far have been a snooze. Someone needs to ply these nominees with some more booze.

8.30 Felicity Huffman's dress is unreal.. best I've seen so far. She's blowing all her lines but looks fabulous. Move it along, housewife...

8.32 Jane Krakowski and Neil Patrick Harris riff on their giant foreheads... and give Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Drama to Michael C Hall for Dexter. It's his first win and considering his recent illness, none of the other nominees can look too bummed.

8.36 Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series Drama goes to Juliana Margulies for The Good Wife. Ouchie, an NBC jab! Okay, another "my cast." Zzzzzz...

8.38 I just saw Mickey Rourke kiss Mike Tyson.

8.43 For some reason Harrison Ford's earring really bothers me. It's such an 80s mid-life crisis move... except it's not the 80s.

8.44 I am sure I'm not the only woman (or man) with a little bit of a crush on Ricky Gervais. So dry. So excellent.

8.45 Cher and Christina Aguilera come out as a sign of the apocalypse... oh, just kitten. Did not look full on at Cher for fear of turning to stone. They're here to present Best Original Song - Motion Picture to T Bone Burnett for "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart. Ryan Kwanten looks bored. I feel ya, bro. Best Original Score - Motion Picture goes to Michael Giacchino for Up.

8.53 Josh Brolin's ginormous head and Amy Adams give Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Grey Gardens. Cue tepid applause and long long walk to the stage. I think Martin Scorsese is texting or something during this acceptance speech.

8.58 Tom Hanks ends the first hour by announcing that ending up in bed with Stanley Tucci is a step up from ending up in bed with Alec Baldwin as he intros a clip for Julie and Julia.

And publish...

HOUR II

9.00 Julia Roberts is clapping for herself. This is also something that makes me want to vom. Now she's clapping for Meryl Streep, who wins Best Actress in A Motion Picture Picture Comedy or Musical for Julie and Julia and begins her acceptance speech by saying she wants to change her name to "T Bone Streep," but then proceeds to ramble on about... something.

9.11 Sam Worthington, who is supposedly some sort of heartthrob - and a short one at that (unless Zoe Saldana is 8 ft tall, which is possible), gives Kevin Bacon the award for Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV for Taking Chance. Best Actress goes to Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens. Hey wait, I thought she and Justin Long were just friends!

9.23 People look a little surprised at Jennifer Aniston's leg, all of which is exposed at the mo. She and Gerard Butler (or, "that bloke from 300") present Best Screenplay Motion Picture to to Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up in the Air, which, imho, was not that great but what do I know. I still wish Alexander Payne had directed it instead, but Jason Reitman seems affable enough so I feel sort of bad saying that. But only sort of.

9.26 Ah, here's a biggie. Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Comedy Or Musical goes to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock. Except it's not that big because he's not there.

9.35 Sophia Loren gets a standing o (and I hope I look that amazing when I'm her age but that might require looking that amazing now so oh well). She gives Best Foreign Language Film to The White Ribbon, a German film that I've never heard of. Santa Claus accepts and he is suitably charming.

9.37 And the winner for Best TV Series Drama is Mad Men. Tom should be happy about this one since he's currently obsessed with it and spends all his time downstairs admiring Jon Hamm.

9.45 OMG TAYLOR LAUTNER! Please tell me he's legal now... and that his voice is going to change soon.

9.46 OMG CHACE CRAWFORD! We're both from Plano. This does not up my cool quotient. He and Kristen Bell present Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television to Chloe Sevigny for Big Love. Someone steps on her train. She hyperventilates.

9.49 I've really been missing Halle Berry's boobs so I'm totes glad she decided to share so much of them with us tonight. They're here to give Christoph Waltz the Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture for Inglourious Basterds.

Gonna publish now because apparently some Martin Scorsese tribute is coming up. It will probably take up the whole third hour.

HOUR III (man, if you're still here, I thank you)

9.57 Robert DeNiro's looking scruffy but handsome.

9.58 Leonardo DiCaprio's forehead is orange.

9.59 Martin Scorsese montage. You know, I still haven't seen Goodfellas because I'm too afraid. Did I just catch a clip of Harvey Keitel looking awfully cute?!! Aww, this "Layla" outro gets me every time. I really want to see The Age of Innocence but want to read the book first. What do you guys think?

10.04 Marty (or so I hear he's called) gets the Cecil B. DeMille award and I won't make a comment about Julia Roberts gaping maw hooting and hollering. I used to live on the same block that Scorsese grew up on in New York. I don't think this ups my cool quotient either.

10.08 I've now invested four hours in the Golden Globes. It's moved along fairly quickly, but I'm starting to feel the fatigue and I bet this post is going to get a lot of TLDNR comments. How many more awards shows do I usually cover during the season? SAG, Independent Spirit on occasion, and the Oscars. I feel like there's one more. Or two. Oooof.

10.12 Jodie Foster's new movie is called The Beaver. No comment.

10.14 Ricky Gervais is blaming the beer.

10.14.2 Mel Gibson. Yuck. Ohhh, it's Best Director Motion Picture time... Will it be James Cameron? A ha, James Cameron is the king of the world once again, for Avatar. He's speaking Pandoran. Or something. My eyes are glazing over.

10.18 Best TV Series Comedy or Musical better go to Glee... or 30 Rock. If it goes to Entourage I will barf. Oh, thank God, it's Glee. Ryan Murphy says, "This is for anyone who ever got a wedgie in high school." How about getting Hi-C thrown at you? Does that count? Because if so, that means Glee is for me, too.

10.24 Oh God, this movie When in Rome... just the commercial makes me want to drink bleach. Of course I'm going to watch it 20 times when it comes to HBO or Starz or whatever.

10.25 Avon spokeswoman Reese Witherspoon presents Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical to... wait for it... THE HANGOVER. Over Julie and Julia!! Jaw meet drop. I never thought I'd live in a world where The Hangover would beat Nine at a major awards show... where Mike Tyson would be standing onstage as part of a group accepting a Best Picture statue. Also, Bradley Cooper makes me want to punch... Bradley Cooper.

10.33 Arnold Schwarzenegger is making jokes about California's massive deficit. And NBC. Mmmkay.

10.35 Best Actress in a Motion Picture goes to Sandra Bullock for The Blindside. Mickey Rourke, who presented, looks disappointed. He's probably not the only one, but since Sandra seems nice and I like her restaurant in Austin, I'm going to keep it zipped.

10.39 They're really moving it along now. The winner for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical is Robert Downey Jr. for Sherlock Holmes. He definitely gives the wittiest speech of the night... not thanking people. However, it's another suprise win. Three in a row. Or is it three strikes and you're out?

10.46 If Tobey Maguire wins Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama I'm going to riot. Whew. Jeff Bridges takes it for Crazy Heart. Maguire looks po'ed, but Bridges gets a massive standing ovation. I said to Tom, "I heard he's great in that." He replied, "He's great in everything. I can't wait to see Tron."

10.52 If Julia Roberts prefaces the announcement of the winner for Best Picture with, "I love my life!" I'm going to reach through the TV and be sick on her shoes. That was really the turning point for me with her. Isn't that awesome... that I had a turning point with Julia?

10.53 I've just realized that something happened to my post. It disappeared. So, err, I hope this version makes it.

10.55 And Best Motion Picture Drama goes to Avatar. I'm sure we're all shocked.

10.58 James Cameron is imploring everyone in the audience to give it up... for themselves. Well, how do you top that.

Goodnight!