The Teen Choice Awards aka TLDNR

Like, OMG, I can't believe I'm going to write a play-by-play of the Teen Choice Awards, but why the hell not? I know you're watching, just like me!

I wasn't aware the Teen Choice Awards existed, but those surfboards look familiar so maybe I sat through this last year and repressed the memory. However, in my new guise as YA wannabe writer, I feel like watching this (and listening to screaming girls for two hours) is part of the job (and a good excuse to see my super faves The Jonas Bros).

Miley Cyrus opens the show and sings some song (called "7 Things," apparently) while wearing sparkly purple striped - what do you call those? Shorteralls? The outfit is disturbing, especially when matched with slouchy boots with one yellow sock sticking out.

Also, Hannah Montana is sort of freakishly poised for a 15 year old.

First up is Choice Summer Movie, and I love how Journey to the Center of the Earth (which opened what, two weeks ago?) is nominated. I also love how the incredibly violent and R-rated Wanted is in contention, but of course Will Smith and Hancock take home the prize. Will's son could not look less enthused. Will says it was scary to make a movie about "an alcoholic superhero" and that his talent is a "gift from God," which surprises me. I thought he'd gone all Thetan on us?

Josh Duhamel and Demi Lovato (sounds like "roboto") are here to present Choice TV Drama and Chad Michael Murray's date can be seen mouthing "Who's that?" I wonder, too. Of course Gossip Girl is the big winner... did we really think House was going to take it?! Penn Badgley accepts for the cast and rambles on while Leighton Meester and Blake Lively pretend they like each other. Ed Westwick stands off to the side looking hot.

Rainn Wilson comes out to tell us about Ask The Jonas Bros, where girls ask the boys random questions like "What's the strangest gift a fan has ever given you?" Someone please tell me why these drips are famous. Really. I want to know!

Sophia Bush and Drake Bell (don't know who he is, either, but I think she's the one who got jilted by the above mentioned Chad Michael Murray) present Choice Comedian to Adam Sandler. Over Michael Cera, Jonah Hill, Will Ferrell and Dane Cook???? Okay, over Dane Cook I can understand because that guy is a chafe to the infinite power, but MC? JH? Really??! Teens today are weirder than I thought.

Will Smith's kid continues to be unimpressed. David Cook and David Archuleta are sitting next to each other. I feel kind of yucky inside that I know who David Cook and David Archuleta are.

Oh goodie, here's Vanessa Hudgens with Luke Ford (???). VH doesn't seem too bright. They present the Fresh Face Award to Blake Lively. Ooooh, I bet Leighton and Taylor are totally pissed. Why the long face, Dan? I mean Penn. David Beckham sure is excited about her win, though. Posh Spice, not so much.

Holla! It's a Dance Off! The ACDC goes first and no, that's not Angus Young and co. I feel like I'm watching a cheerleading competition. OMG, it's The JabbaWockeeZ! They are a quality crew even if this ACDC stuff kind of blows. Oh look, there's Adam Shankman!

Oh yay, a commercial for JJ Abrams' new show Fringe. Won't be watching that. Still hate him for torturing me with Cloverfield.

Katharine McPhee and Jesse McCartney (does anyone else think he looks like Frankie Muniz?) give the award for Choice MySpacer to Ryan Sheckler. It figures that I don't know who this guy is because I totally do not understand what this award is.

Chad Michael Murray and Leighton Meester (why am I the only person I know who likes her?) present the award for Choice Movie Actor Drama to Channing Tatum. That he wins this over Emile Hirsch, Ryan Phillippe, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Mark Wahlberg is shocking. That he now looks like Axl Rose (fat and face-lifted) is frightening.

Number of times Will Smith has been referenced so far in the show: 1,645,256. He's like the Jack Nicholson of the MTV/Nickelodeon/Teen Choice Awards world.

Three chicks, one of whom is JoJo, another who was the teacher's pet-turned-band manager from School of Rock, and the third, I have no clue, prance onstage to let us know that Juno, which is about teen pregnancy, won a bunch of stuff, but Ellen Page is too cool to show up for this thing. The cast of The Secret Life of the American Teenager, who are not too cool, are on hand to accept their award for Choice Summer Show.

If you read through this whole post I will send you a cookie. For reals. It's going to be about 40 feet long by the time it's done.

Minka something or other and Zac Efron head to the stage amidst screams that can, I'm sure, be heard in space to give the Choice Summer Movie Comedy award to Get Smart. Ooh, Steve Carell is here, and he also won Choice TV Actor. He thanks every teen in the history of the world and then they cut to Will Smith who looks bored but tries to muster a smile (seriously, you can see him trying. His face muscles twitch and everything but no actual grin ever appears).

This JC Penney Breakfast Club commercial is bumming me out.

I've lost count of how many celebs are here who have managed to veneer their top teeth but not their bottom. These people are rich, you'd think they could afford some Zoom and Invisalign on all their toothies. I've also lost count of how many celebs are here that I've never heard of.

Mariah Carey, who is now married to a teen so I guess it's fitting that she's here, performs... some song. Her shorts are really yellow. She'll be loving you long time. Will Smith is way more impressed by Mariah, but his son remains bored as hell.

Rachel Bilson and Chace Crawford appear attractive at first. Then you realize it's saccharin and not sugar that fuels their appeal. They give Choice TV Actress Action Adventure to Hayden Panettiere Drat. I wanted Summer Glau to win. I did watch Remember the Titans for the 900th time the other night, though, and she was purty cute in that.

The Jonas Bros are given about 20 awards. Zzzzz... I mean, JoBro rocks! And the legal ones are smokin'! That one with the thick eyebrows, though... His top teeth are tiny. They remind me of those mini Chiclets.

Scarlett Johansson raided her grandmother's closet and showed up to give the Do Something Award to Chad Bullock. That's a kudo I can get behind.

LL Cool J, who I'm told is no longer relevant, and Natasha Bedingfield , aka Miley Cyrus' role model, unfurl the towel for Chris Brown, Choice Male Artist. I guess the fact that "Forever" is a cleverly concealed Wrigley's jingle doesn't bother the kids. It doesn't bother me, either, actually. In fact, I'd never even heard of CB until Twitch and Comfort danced to said jingle on So You Think You Can Dance (and now I listen to it all the damn time).

The screaming girls have finally gotten to Tom. He just asked me to turn the TV down.

Thomas Dekker, Summer Glau and Brian Austin Green announce some winners who didn't bother to show up. Oh wait, that Lauren girl from The Hills is here. She won something. Why, I do not know. She's trying to pretend she cares about the Do Something teens. I'm not buying it since she couldn't even remember the name of the "kid" she met.

I'm not even going to go into the second part of this Dance Off. OMG, are they playing Red Rover or something? This is weak.

The American Idol Davids give Choice Music Female Artist to, of course, Miley Cyrus. She thanks Jesus Christ. I'm going to hurl.

How come no one ever thanks Satan?

Oh God, it's Lil Mama. She's dressed like a baby? Little Bo Peep? She ruins America's Best Dance Crew for me. Jordin Sparks is kinda hot, though, so it's fitting that she's presenting Choice Hottie to Vanessa Hudgens and The Jonas Bros. How did Adam Sandler not win this one?

Kristen Bell and some tattooed dude wearing a Superman t-shirt give Choice Athlete to Shawn Johnson and David Beckham. Oh. That's what he's doing here. He drags his little Spice Boys onstage with him while Posh applauds as her eyes dart suspiciously left and right. One of the tiny Becks decides to give a breakdancing demonstration. How precocious!

Fergie declares the M&M Crew as Dance Battle Champions.

And thus the Teen Choice Awards 2008 are over.

Until Next Year,
Ms. P