Fashion Finale

Okay, I really wasn't joking when I said last night that they'll give a clothing line to anyone these days (Amanda Bynes... really?!) but I'm actually talking about Chloe Sevigny. Why she is a style icon is beyond me (especially after Brown Bunny which I'm still too afraid to see) And how did she design her fabulous frocks? She took a sharpie to a lingerie catalogue and drew over the models. I'm sure that's how Coco Chanel started out (God, what if it was?!)

Making the rounds in the final days of Fashion Week: Serena Williams (we all know how classy I think Ms. Williams is. Wonder why she wasn't showing her line, Aneres. That's Serena spelled backwards, omigod she is so clever!), Bijou Phillips (who once badmouthed me and grabbed my boob, true story), Kim Gordon (who I will not say an unkind word about because a) she is too cool and b) could probably kick my ass), Heath Ledger (newly single, ladies!), Courtney Love (Don't even get me started on the human trash can. That Love is actually an intelligent person, and - yes, I think this - talented songwriter, only makes her crimes against humanity worse), and Sarah Jessica Parker (I really hated Carrie - it's probably no surprise to you that when I took one of those "Which Sex and the City character are you?" quizzes I was overwhelmingly Miranda - but SJP seems pretty cool for an actress even if she is kind of perky and did that horrible 80s dance movie with Helen Hunt).

The final reviews are in...

Betsey Johnson: The queen of cartwheels didn't disappoint with a colorful ballet inspired flash of tulle and poufy skirts. A rainbow of early 80s prom wear signified that girls just want to have fun. Johnson wins the award for most entertaining show and I'm left with a sudden craving for sherbet.

Calvin Klein: CK, It's nice to see that Francisco Costa maintained your uncanny ability to make drab and understated look clean and chic. I felt serene while going through the pictures. Someday, Calvin, I will own more than the free underwear and perfume your sales reps gave me at Lollapalooza and the makeup I bought at your store in New York. Someday...

Zac Posen: Posen's mostly muted tones give way to my mostly muted response. Though the show turned to a slightly mermaid-ish/in the sea feel, it never really captured my eye. And seriously, that trash bag/fish tail thingy... If I ever see that on a red carpet I will laugh and laugh. Why Posen is part of the holy fashion trinity these days, along with Proenza Schouler and Marc Jacobs, sort of eludes me. But I guess that's why I'm writing about this from Crestwood, KY and not the offices of Vogue.

Tory Burch: You know, I was going to write about Tory Burch mainly because she's going out with Lance Armstrong but then I looked at her collection and never mind. There's a host of women's clothing designers that I swear, if I ever dress like this, stick a fork in me 'cause I am done. Carolina Herrera and Nanette Lepore made me feel icky like this, too.

Heatherette: What to say about Heatherette... What to say about a label that used their show to launch a kids line and had 8-year olds prancing down the catwalk followed by porn star Jenna Jameson? I think there isn't anything else to say other than - JJ - wow! Is she even human anymore? Do people not look in the mirror after getting plastic surgery?!!

Donna Karan: Karan's collection was feminine, well-tailored and featured some beautiful dresses, but the wide belts were too distracting and I can honestly say I don't think I ever want to see khaki again.

Tommy Hilfiger: I'm covering Tommy Hilfiger because he went on Oprah to announce that he never said Asians shouldn't buy his clothes. Unfortunately, now I kind of wish he had because I never want to see my people in garments like this. Pants with seahorses printed all over them sound almost cute until you find out they're for men!!! No wonder so many men cannot dress themselves if they're faced with the menswear collections I've seen over the last eight days. Good heavens! Hilfiger's clothes are for pretentious goobers who pretend they have yachts. I did kind of like the shoes, though. They reminded me of lobsters for some reason.

Finally, the winner of Fashion Week is ... Carmen Marc Valvo! I said it would be hard to top Oscar de la Renta but I swear I've never wanted to wear a dress so much as when I looked at the photos of Valvo's sheer ruffled layers (yes, I said I loved ruffles. Someone call a medic). But seriously, the rose dresses... divine is the only way to describe them and it was worth being blinded by a week's worth of lemons if this was the reward at the end.

And so I bid adieu to New York Fashion Week's Spring 2008 collections. London, Paris and Milan, you'll have to do without my dime-store critiques. Yes, yes, I know it's very sad. I'm sure Donatella was dying to know what pearls of wisdom I had to offer. I'll be looking, though. New York mag is but one click away and I never say never, dahlinks!

Wearing sweat pants while writing this,
Ms. P

ps. I thought it only fitting to end Fashion Week coverage and one hundred mentions of lemons with this dandy pic I took in a parking lot in Austin, Texas.