Rock of Love Bus Kicks Off In Louisville, Y'all!!

Meet Nikki. She raps and, uh, stuff. I think she might have herpes since her lyrics are written on the back of a Herpes information sheet. I almost feel like I do just from looking at her.

Quote of the show so far: "I'm a very spiritual person. I'm deep as well."

I think the only new show that's surviving past today on the LP schedule is Confessions of a Teen Idol. Christopher Atkins has me hooked, what can I say?

Mediocre dancers from Russia and strippers from Planet Slut can only hold my attention for so long, I'm afraid.

I heard Bret say that if he doesn't find love this time around he's giving up. Does that mean Don Dokken will be taking over season 4? In my dreams, right? Haw haw. Actually, if C.C. DeVille did it, the show might actually be kind of amusing instead of simply pathetic and disgusting.

Tom is looking for a contestant who's not totally skanky. I think he's out of luck, poor thing.

(photo from VH1.com)

Confessions of a Teen Idol - So That's Where Billy Hufsey's Been...

Okay, I'd never heard of this show until this morning when it premiered. Or, I think the show premiered this morning.

I'd also never heard of some of these dudes until today (the Baywatch guys and The Real World/Grind I eat raw food freak). Another thing, I never thought any of them were hot (maybe maybe Christopher Atkins, especially in The Pirate Movie. Girls of a certain age you know what I mean!).

However, none of these things kept me from watching VH-1's latest attempt to humiliate has beens.

Believe it or not, though, I confess I'm a bit fascinated. I'm a little perturbed that the premise of the show is to get these guys working again, but they only talk of getting back their fame. I mean, I thought back in the day fame was a byproduct of being a successful actor/singer/whatever. However, now acting/singing/whatever is a byproduct of fame. Grody, right?

The men (or bros as they like to call each other) are a semi-charming bunch, though. There's not a lot of dignity left when you've been to jail and/or rehab (Jeremy Jackson, who says he's 27 but looks 40), worked the cruise ship circuit (Adrian Zmed) or have gone from the Blue Lagoon to (building) the in-ground pool (Christopher Atkins).

I'm not sure who the villain is amongst this band of brothers. I'm guessing it might be David Chokachi, an ex-Baywatch babe. He's already stormed off set in a huff and he talks about how he's more than just a pretty face because he has an education but then goes on to use poor grammar in several segments.

Walking us through this maze back to the spotlight are Scott Baio and Jason Hervey. I think that sentence speaks for itself. We'll see the men in group therapy, we'll watch them get humiliated by a focus group of women, but in the end I'm sure they'll grow and learn and become better people. And in turn, so will we, right? But will they make it from the no-list to the A-list? I kind of doubt it, but they should be able to turn their stints on Confessions into a regular gig in the stable of VH-1's circus of the fading stars.

To my friend Maisy, I really hope you're watching this. I'd also like to discuss Rock of Love Charm School with you (I saw the last three minutes of the reunion special and I swear I saw that scary chick Rodeo at one of the tables). I can't believe it, but I'm going to watch the first ep of Rock of Love Bus tonight if only because you said it took place in Louisville (which will probably lead to another Why, Kentucky? post, I'm afraid). I still get hits on my blog every day from people asking "Does Bret Michaels wear a wig?" To those people, I maintain only Barbies have hair like this.

(Photo by Piotr Sikora/VH1)

Recent Google Searches and Mamma Mia!

I am amused daily by the Google searches that lead to my blog...

A smattering of recent gems:

"Jerelll Scott is hot." Wow. Really?!!! He thinks too much of himself to be hot in my eyes, but okay.

I'm still getting "Does Bret Michaels wear a wig?" Yes, that shiny plastic Barbie hair coming out of his bandana is totally real. I'm sure of it.

Loads of hits for Lil' C's words of wisdom on last week's So You Think You Can Dance so I guess it bears repeating: "It's really difficult to locate the avenue of gain when you're being chauffeured by loss." So very true. Maybe he was talking about Bret Michaels' hair.

Quite a few "naked women in Kentucky's" lately. Not sure I really understand that one. It feels so random. I mean, wouldn't being more specific, like, "naked women in Paducah" seem more helpful?

And finally, "women who love men who can dance freestyle rock roll sex." I like how the second search result is, "The Top 10 Rock Songs Black People Love, a Post Written by a Black Person."

I'm running the Mamma Mia! trailer above because:

a) I saw Mamma Mia! last night.

b) When joyful, it was most excellent.

c) Colin Firth rules.

d) Meryl Streep can do anything.

e) Stellan Skarsgard in spandex singing "Waterloo" will be imprinted on my brain forever.

The downside, the film feels uneven and I wasn't overly fond of Amanda Seyfried's performance (although she looked great and her singing voice is quite passable).

I have a dream, a song to sing,

Ms. P

Ink Blot

I've been researching tattoo artwork over the last few days and was sad to read that legendary tattoo artist Rollo Banks died last year. I'm so out of it. Rollo did my third and last tattoo 16 years ago. I'm looking forward to reworking my two China Sea pieces into something new this fall when I go to LA.

It's amazing how many Christian tattoos are out there. And how many bad ones (of which I have... three, though to be fair my Rollo piece has held up amazingly well save the lettering which I want to cover, anyway). However, I saw at least two tats that had the word "porn" on them. Seriously? Also, when and why did tramp stamps become so popular? My friend Danny and I used to see them and say, "She got the memo" (like, there must have been some memo that went out telling all the ladies, this is the new hot spot).

I'm watching Step Up and it's as bad on the small screen as it was on the big. I wonder if a woman will win Dancing with the Stars this year. The men seem very... dull (with the notable exception of Adam Carolla who can apparently ride a unicycle). I'm pulling for Marlee Matlin and think Priscilla Presley should go next if for no other reason than I have a hard time looking at her.

I've been tuning in to The Martha Stewart Show because it's cupcake week (and if you don't know, I am a cupcake fiend and have sampled them from coast to coast - okay, sampled is probably the wrong word and "devoured in large quantities" is probably more apt). The guests and audience seem afraid of her. It's rather amusing but not amusing enough to keep watching once cupcake week is over. They did feature some pretty sweet custom made AG jeans, though. If only I had $600 to spend. On jeans. Yeah right.

Lastly, I still get at least three hits a day on this blog from people Googling "Does Bret Michaels wear a hair piece?" Can people really be asking this (meaning, good lord the answer is oh so obvious).

Pop tarts,
Ms. P

Rock of Love 2: Like, I Can't Do This

I really can't. I feel like I'm failing you but I just cannot watch Bret Michaels and his bad wig smooch on these skanky girls with their overblown collagen-overdosed lips. I feel gross. I feel unamused.

I think if Bret didn't have kids he professes to love, I wouldn't mind so much, but all I can think about are his daughters and this is how they're going to see his father relate to women. This is what their father thinks of women. Euw. Double euw. Euw to infinity.

So I'm sorry kids, my Sundays are already full enough without the tramp quotient being upped to a ridonkulous degree. I often talk about the negative things repression does to you but in this case, I think a little repression could go a long, long way.

Moving on, I watched some other naked women this morning, but they were about as far from the Rock of Love mansion as you can get and still be in Los Angeles. The women (well, can you really call Summer Glau's terminatrix a woman?) of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles might have a ways to go to impress me, but the pilot episode was suitably full of action (and Bruce van Exel!) I'm not sure what's up with the recent British Invasion on the small screen but in SCC Linda Hamilton's been replaced by Lena Headey who's turned Sarah from fierce to bitchy as her accent slips in and out. I'm a bit loathe to follow Thomas Dekker onto another show after the Heroes controversy (he played Claire's gay friend Zach who turned out to be, err, not gay because (supposedly) his manager didn't want him doing homosexual characters). I'm not sure what to think - the producer's Wizard World story here and Dekker's "I posted on MySpace that gays are okay" story here. However, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess. Still on the fence about this show, but it has potential. Definitely a better pilot than Bionic Woman, and I'm always into watching girls kick ass.

I finally finished Eclipse, book three in the Twilight series last night. I admit I cried when Jacob Black ran off into the woods. I still think Bella is a drip, though. Oh my, I just read they've cast Robert Pattinson (Cedric Diggory) as Edward for the movie which also stars Kristen Stewart (I knew she was destined for bigger things when I saw Panic Room) and will be directed by Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown). Nice one! I hope they rewrite Edward and Bella's relationship a bit, though. It would be nice if they didn't come across like lovesick co-dependent morons.

Okay, I must away to work. It's all snowy outside but not enough to make snow ninjas. Drat.

I'm free!
Ms. P

The Truth About Hillary: Odd Girl Out?

Yesterday I actually sat through two Lifetime network movies, The Truth About Jane featuring Ellen Muth (George from Dead Like Me) and RuPaul (playing a man, but still gay) and Odd Girl Out, a Mean Girls ripoff starring Alexa Vega (from Spy Kids). I must say it heartens me to see such positive message flicks (especially Truth About Jane) on a network that, wrong or right, seems so very Harlequin Romance and possibly conservative. That said, I must say most chick-lit I read does seem distinctly Democratic.

Moving on, I don't know how well Hillary Clinton's hour long appearance on Meet the Press is going to serve her. I may have been cringing at times, not because of what she said, but because she has such image problems and I suspect at the heart of it her intelligence comes with a certain amount of arrogance and impatience (which showed) yet she's just been clearly told that being "human" is what plays well with the crowd. However, I think it sucks that she must walk this line of being soft yet tough (we're supposed to burnt marshmallows?), but isn't that the challenge of ALL women? I know that I am rarely graceful about being either (and this is, of course, the only reason why I don't run for president).

And speaking of the challenges of women, tonight marks the return of Rock of Love featuring our favorite phone-sex recipient Bret Michaels! Gosh, I just can't wait to find out who this season's Lacey, Jes and Heather are going to be!! The mind does boggle.
Also tonight, the, err, press conference announcing the winners of the Golden Globes. I'll have a little report on what is sure to be a scintillating broadcast for you later. Or tomorrow. I must finish Eclipse and be done with the Cullens, the classiest vampire family ever. Mostly I'm just sick of Bella, the highly average teenager who has somehow managed to enchant not only the most sophisticated vampires but the most interesting werewolves, as well. I'm sure I'm just jealous. I want mythical creatures for buddies!

Tying this post together, I just read that Anne Rice has endorsed... Hillary Clinton! Does this mean Hillary will become the Queen of the Damned? Inheriting GW's mess (not to mention all the monarchy/dynasty questions), I'm sure it probably feels that way to her.

I'm going to write a Lifetime movie someday! Right after I finish watching Queen Size starring Nikki Blonsky and Annie Potts!
Ms. P

ps. Here's something amusing for all you My So Called Life fans out there. Angela Chase talks about the issues.

pps. Just read this article about the potential unraveling of the writer's strike.

ppps. Newsweek got told (do people still use that slang?) by... Clay Aiken! Ha ha!

Rock of Love Reunion

You watched it. You know you did. And have you ever seen anything more contrived and ridiculous? Seriously - all those women with pink Jes hair? Yeesh - the unreality of Reality TV. The tried and true "keep the crazy person around til the final three" formula gets 'em every time. I'm working super hard on getting Bret Michaels to do The LP Questionnaire, therefore I don't want to be too, err, snarky so I'll keep my thoughts short:

1. Lacey's performance can hardly be classified as music. Or performance, for that matter.

2. Heather looked pretty good. She should rock the blowout and the modest makeup more often. Oh, and the "Bret Sucks" tattoo, as well.

3. Hilarious that the show ended with Heather and Jes hugging while Bret stood alone on stage with whoever that tool of a host was who kept asking the girls to make out.

They need to coin a new word to describe the tired I am at the moment (oh youth, why have you left me?!) T and I got back from K-Town a while ago where we had some tofu hot pots and bi bim bap at Beverly Soon Tofu. The very sweet owner of the restaurant gave me three spoons, and I only wanted one! I have a vast collection of spoons (really - our utensil drawer is overflowing). I used to steal them (and still occasionally do) but now I try to be honest and ask. Anyway, the proprietor explained the difference in spoon shapes in Korea and gave me a couple more with different designs.

Pop culture pundits are bashing Britney on Vh-1 now. Or something. I remember when I saw a much younger Brit (we were at the same restaurant, the name of which escapes me but it was a total Entourage type place) and was surprised that she was actually pretty and seemed sweet. It really blows my mind that this girl has NO ONE in her life to help set her straight - or at least try. Someone needs to sweep her off to the North Pole or something... She can make toys in Santa's workshop and learn many valuable life lessons. Hey, that sounds like a Christmas blockbuster to me! Or at least a really good reality show. Some elf eliminations to create drama, maybe? Santa picks a husband for her?

Speaking of Entourage, we ate breakfast, by chance, at a restaurant the show made popular, Toast on 3rd st. I wish Vincent et al had avoided because the food was hardly worthy of Aquaman.

Indian food, Ryan Pickett, Dave Kissner, Beverly Hills, and Bergamot Station are all on tap for tomorrow.

Omg, I'm rambling. Omg, I just used the abbreviation for "Oh my God".

Toodles kids,
Ms. P

The Way We Were - Week in Review

Jumping right in...

Politically speaking...

Mos Def and Cornel West appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher. I LOVE Cornel West and wish I could go to Princeton and take one of his classes. Mos Def, on the other hand, most definitely needs to take his medication or something before appearing on live TV. I bet Rahm Emanuel is glad he had to stay in DC to vote.

George Stephanapolous interviewed McCain and Kerry on This Week. Seriously, these guys are starting to sound like the Charlie Brown teachers. Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah. Mwah mwah mwah.

Chuck Hagel is not running for president. In fact, Chuck Hagel is retiring.

It was such a slow week they were talking about Amy Winehouse (and how she's hurting the British royals... Wha??!), Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie on The Mclaughlin Group. That was definitely surreal.

CNN's Kelli Arena (is that her real name?) said that Osama bin Laden, in his new video, , "comes off like an angry blogger." Does this mean I'm bin Laden? How about Andy Ostroy? Or Michelle Malkin (who makes me embarrassed to be Asian)? Since when does freedom of speech equal terrorism? But hey, if being angry = being bin Laden = being a terrorist, I sure hope they capture Rush Limbaugh real soon.

Fred Thompson officially entered the presidential race to the sound of loud cheering on The Tonight Show. This was immediately followed by the sound of crickets chirping. I'm just glad Sam Waterston finally gets the DA job on Law and Order.

Senator Larry Craig announced... oh who cares.

Every Rose Has Its Scorn...

This week on Rock of Love, Brandi M gave herself the heave ho and good for her, I say. Can you believe Bret's "outrage" over her not telling him she couldn't let her guard down? This guy is such a petulant little dweeb and I'm so glad the show is ending soon because seriously, watching him kiss these girls makes me shudder. Lacey continued her bid for Bitch of the Century but managed to get so completely drunk she passed out on the dinner table. The girls pretended to rock out at Bret's lame Vegas solo show. Jes has no rhythm and apparently did the nasty with BM (how fitting those are his initials) but I still love her. I really do hope Heather wins at this point. They're perfect for each other. Two peas in a skankpod. Like Michaels' said, he just has to figure out how to get her off the stripper pole and onto his. Euw!

The MTV Video Music Awards
(Written as they happened! Almost like being there! Only not!)

Why did John Norris bleach his hair? Why is he wearing eyeliner? Hate to break it to you, John, but you're not Pete Wentz. Or even Bret Michaels, for that matter. You were not cool in the 90s, you are not cool now. Embrace it! Own it! Uncool people are cool!

Why is Lil Mama dressed like a baby? Is this irony? Furthermore, who is Lil Mama?!

Nelly Furtado went blonde, too. She looks as good as John Norris.

Mary J. Blige, also now a blonde. What the hell is going on? She just said Britney Spears is smart. What the hell is going on?

Oh look, there's Kid Rock! Oh look, no one cares!

50 Cent is kind of cute and he's keeping it positive for the Brit. Is it fitty? Or fifty? I like fitty better but they just said fifty. Bit disappointing.

Now I'm watching some Pussycat Doll lip-synch. She's kind of pretty, but I used to book those girls at a club I worked at in LA and they were always asking if their butts looked big. Do you know how annoying that is when your butt actually is big? Very.

Okay, John Norris is really freaking me out. He looks like the Crypt Keeper.

They're interviewing a lot of bands I've never heard of. This makes me proud.

Paris Hilton is trying to sport some Carol Brady look. Too bad she still looks like a ho.

Ludacris has a pulse peak shaved into his head. Good to know he is alive.

Kanye West is kind of cute, too, but possibly not as cute as 50 Cent. His record covers are much better, though, so at least he can feel good about that.

Sway looks like the Nintendo character Toad Stool.

Chris Shifflet of the Foo Fighters - also blond! Geez. But he looks more like Mike McCready. Dave Grohl and I are both high school dropouts. Yay for dropping out! But seriously kids (because I know my teenage readership is like, in the millions) stay in school. Don't be like Dave Grohl and me.

Linkin Park is still together?

Alright, I confess I was totally prepared to unload a giant bucket of snark all over Britney Spears but I can't. It's just too sad and pathetic.

In fact, it was so bad I'm turning the TV off and going to walk the dog.

Toodles,
Ms. P

ps. Federer won the match but Jokovic won everyone's hearts. Awww!