Confessions of a Teen Idol - Women of America Unite for Christopher Atkins!

My goodness this show is BRUTAL. Our "beloved" ex-teen idols must face a focus group of ladies in the second episode of VH1's new celebreality nightmare Confessions of a Teen Idol, and it is a bit harshies to watch them talk about how Billy Hufsey has chia hair and that Adrian Zmed looks good for "someone pushing 60" (he's 54).

They were hardest on the dude from Baywatch (whichever one is 27 but looks 40 and played David Hasselhoff's son), but he seems like one of the biggest jerks of the bunch so whatevs. In fact, both Baywatch dudes seem a bit douchey (the other one is named David Chokeme or something).

The guys are PO'ed and do a lot of grumbling about how "it's about what's inside!" Yeah, right, dudes. What planet do you live on?

Anyhoodle, the big winner of the focus group agony is Christopher Atkins, who is also the most sympathetic of the lot. They liken him to Robert Redford and seem thrilled to watch clips of The Blue Lagoon.

Next up is a reality check from Jen Rade, celebrity stylist to Angelina Jolie and others. She tells Baywatch Douche #1 (okay, his name is Jeremy Jackson) that his hair is Fabio-esque and seems appalled by Adrian Zmed's entire outfit. Good Lord, Jamie Walters CAN NOT BE THIS CLUELESS! You do not go from talking to angels to putting on a flannel shirt and saying "this is dressy!" She rips Eric Nies to shreds and he replies, "This is who I am." I'm sorry. Apparently I am the only person on Earth who doesn't know who Eric Nies is. I hated The Real World from Day 1 and never saw The Grind. So sue me!

The guys go shopping at Lisa Kline, and I have to admit that Nies' resistance to all things trendy actually made me laugh. Not out loud or anything but totally on the inside.

I'm not even going to discuss their spa and salon visit... Eeeee.

Makeovers done, Rade inspects the lads and tells Jackson that he went from "porn star to pop star." I'm a little disturbed that they all came back wearing Converse as if somehow Chucks are the new fountain of youth.

This is an epic journey we're on, friends. It's you, me and Jamie Walters' new jeans. We're all gonna make it. We'll all be in the spotlight again.

Rock of Love Bus Kicks Off In Louisville, Y'all!!

Meet Nikki. She raps and, uh, stuff. I think she might have herpes since her lyrics are written on the back of a Herpes information sheet. I almost feel like I do just from looking at her.

Quote of the show so far: "I'm a very spiritual person. I'm deep as well."

I think the only new show that's surviving past today on the LP schedule is Confessions of a Teen Idol. Christopher Atkins has me hooked, what can I say?

Mediocre dancers from Russia and strippers from Planet Slut can only hold my attention for so long, I'm afraid.

I heard Bret say that if he doesn't find love this time around he's giving up. Does that mean Don Dokken will be taking over season 4? In my dreams, right? Haw haw. Actually, if C.C. DeVille did it, the show might actually be kind of amusing instead of simply pathetic and disgusting.

Tom is looking for a contestant who's not totally skanky. I think he's out of luck, poor thing.

(photo from VH1.com)

Confessions of a Teen Idol - So That's Where Billy Hufsey's Been...

Okay, I'd never heard of this show until this morning when it premiered. Or, I think the show premiered this morning.

I'd also never heard of some of these dudes until today (the Baywatch guys and The Real World/Grind I eat raw food freak). Another thing, I never thought any of them were hot (maybe maybe Christopher Atkins, especially in The Pirate Movie. Girls of a certain age you know what I mean!).

However, none of these things kept me from watching VH-1's latest attempt to humiliate has beens.

Believe it or not, though, I confess I'm a bit fascinated. I'm a little perturbed that the premise of the show is to get these guys working again, but they only talk of getting back their fame. I mean, I thought back in the day fame was a byproduct of being a successful actor/singer/whatever. However, now acting/singing/whatever is a byproduct of fame. Grody, right?

The men (or bros as they like to call each other) are a semi-charming bunch, though. There's not a lot of dignity left when you've been to jail and/or rehab (Jeremy Jackson, who says he's 27 but looks 40), worked the cruise ship circuit (Adrian Zmed) or have gone from the Blue Lagoon to (building) the in-ground pool (Christopher Atkins).

I'm not sure who the villain is amongst this band of brothers. I'm guessing it might be David Chokachi, an ex-Baywatch babe. He's already stormed off set in a huff and he talks about how he's more than just a pretty face because he has an education but then goes on to use poor grammar in several segments.

Walking us through this maze back to the spotlight are Scott Baio and Jason Hervey. I think that sentence speaks for itself. We'll see the men in group therapy, we'll watch them get humiliated by a focus group of women, but in the end I'm sure they'll grow and learn and become better people. And in turn, so will we, right? But will they make it from the no-list to the A-list? I kind of doubt it, but they should be able to turn their stints on Confessions into a regular gig in the stable of VH-1's circus of the fading stars.

To my friend Maisy, I really hope you're watching this. I'd also like to discuss Rock of Love Charm School with you (I saw the last three minutes of the reunion special and I swear I saw that scary chick Rodeo at one of the tables). I can't believe it, but I'm going to watch the first ep of Rock of Love Bus tonight if only because you said it took place in Louisville (which will probably lead to another Why, Kentucky? post, I'm afraid). I still get hits on my blog every day from people asking "Does Bret Michaels wear a wig?" To those people, I maintain only Barbies have hair like this.

(Photo by Piotr Sikora/VH1)