Baby Mama

I went to see Baby Mama today, and it was much better than I anticipated (which is good because I really thought it was going to suck). Tina Fey and Amy Poehler always annoyed me with their "look how cute we are" routine on Weekend Update on SNL, but I really enjoy pretty much everything else they do.

The film started with this montage of babies - a kaleidoscope of tiny heads, if you will. I felt like I was supposed to go "awww" but truthfully, my only reaction was "euwww."

My biological clock, it is broken, and frankly I have zero interest in getting it fixed (see above).

I also saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall last week and it, too, was much better than I anticipated (but mostly because of Russell Brand who played Aldous Snow). Someday I really want to use the line "I was going to but then I just carried on living my life."

Someday I would also like to breathe again. This allergy crap is getting old.
Ms. P

Random Mumblings - Coachella, Kermit the Frog and (Slightly) More

In the midst of watching loads of MSNBC (Rev Wright-gate!), not being able to breathe (not even Claritin can clear me), getting a Golden Retriever adopted out and taking another one in (Tom and I are doggie foster parents - go GRRAND!) and playing endless rounds of Jigsaw Medley (I'm a loser!), I managed to write some posts about Coachella, that music festival out in the desert that My Morning Jacket just played. With the help of Tom and his giant a**, you can read some small slivers of how it all went down here and see a totally weird Kermit the Frog singing "Creep" video here.

The new pooch's name is Lucy. I think it's short for Lucifer.

I'm a mouth breather,
Ms. P

Watch MMJ Talk About a Van

COUGARS!

KittyTube

Originally posted by the cool peeps at Is This Tight?

NBC Fallen for Fallon

Jimmy Fallon is taking over for Conan O'Brien when Conan O'Brien takes over for Jay Leno.

The only funny person in this equation is Conan O'Brien.

Those Wacky Dutch and Other Stories

Paul Verhoeven is probably going to hell (and not for directing Showgirls, as you might expect). Of course, this is provided that hell exists.

Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania. I guess my last minute bid for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to take the presidency is rather fruitless. I listen to Barack Obama, and I want to believe but I just can't. Call me a cynic, but I've seen the Emperor and I'm just not sure about what he's wearing.

Apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce are getting married. Do people care?

I want waffles!
Ms. P

Dancing with the Stars: An Earth Day Query

On Earth Day, I wonder, is all the self-tanner or tanning spray or whatever the hell that is good for the environment?

I think those contestants may use up the world's supply before the season is over.

I've never seen so many orange people in my life. It's like watching an Oompa Loompa dance contest.

That Kristi Yamaguchi sure is good, though. But of course she is. She's Asian! We're good at everything!

Not really,
Ms. P

And Now for Something Completely Different

To People Who Leak Artists' Records

Why are you such complete jerks?!

Seriously... why?

Even if I hated a band I wouldn't do this.

Just curious,
Ms. P

Earthquake!

Lordy, I thought I left LA!

Good morning,
Ms. P

The LP Questionnaire - Billy Zoom of X

I don't think I can come up with a bunch of frilly preamble to describe the supreme cool that is legendary guitarist Billy Zoom. My little words will just cheapen the effect. All I can say is Billy Zoom gives the best hugs! My friend Jamie and I can attest to this fact. Yes... fact.

And without further ado, BZ and The LP Questionnaire...

Name: Billy Zoom
Pro Wrestling Name: Bunkhouse Ninja. I assume this makes some kind of sense to you. The last time I watched pro-wrestling, Vern Gagne was still the champion. I guess times have changed.

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind). Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend. The year would be 1963. We didn't have mixes or tapes then. I was listening to "Time Out" by the Dave Brubeck Quartet, "Green Onions" by Booker T. and the MG's, and "Night Train" by Buddy Morrow.

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? I think most of them have already been there and done that.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Either Peanuts or Krazy Kat...depending on my mood.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? The power to understand women.

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.

Baze vs. Rees

The Supreme Court upheld Kentucky's right to use lethal injection (thus most likely ending the moratorium on executions in this country).

I guess it's not cruel. Or unusual.

What on earth are we going to do when we lose Ruth Bader Ginsburg and David Souter?

State sanctioned murder really contributes to our culture of life, I think.

I've spent the morning watching the news and I'm disgusted by much. I totally get why people just move away to the woods to escape it all. I watched two teenagers force an 18 month old to smoke pot. I watched some housewife with crazy eyes use You Tube to defame her husband and try to get a better divorce settlement. I watched yet another "kids fighting caught on video!" episode. And I can't escape The Pope. Or the polygamist pioneer town.

I know, the answer is turn the damn TV off. Unfortunately all this stuff is still out there... Humf.

Super humf,
Ms. P

The LP Questionnaire - James McNew of Yo La Tengo

International man of mystery James McNew of Yo La Tengo lives in Brooklyn, NY and likes Vietnamese sandwiches. He does bloggish things... occasionally... here. Yo La Tengo rocked the house at SXSW when they played The Austin Music Hall with those My Morning Jacket guys.

Mr. McNew on The LP Questionnaire...

Name: James McNew
Pro Wrestling Name: This is my wrestling name.

1. Pretend you're 15. Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend.

Black Flag, "Depression," Thin Lizzy, "Cowboy Song," Flipper, "Way of The World." She wouldn't have liked it.

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? How I wish this were a funny question.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Speed Racer

4. What superpower do you wish you had? I would've liked to have somehow been able to prevent The Police from ever playing again.

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? Will There Ever Be A Rainbow?

Photo by Matthew Salacuse

Spin Cycle

I love watching Barack Obama spin with the best of them.

I think he is elitist (but so am I - the difference being I'm not running for president).

Anyway, it's convenient that he can now go on about how these people ARE bitter! Bitter that Washington has done them wrong!

Yes, let's not forget... bitter and clinging to their religion, guns, and anti-immigrant sentiments. Silly white trash!

At this point I'd rather see the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man get elected in November. He might destroy the country but at least it will be a tasty demise!

What we do is art!
Ms. P

My Morning Jacket on Saturday Night Live

So, I'm sitting here watching SNL and they just announced that My Morning Jacket will be the musical guest on May 10.

I wonder if Tom knows this? He's in Mexico City buying me a pinata so I'm not sure.

I'm so excited I'm eating a Girl Scout cookie and contemplating the shopping excursions my unexpected jaunt to NYC will provide (which is totally vapid, I know, but if you want deep thoughts, call Jack Handey).

Whee!
Ms. P

The LP Questionnaire - Jonah Ray

Here are the things Jonah Ray told me about himself:

Most of his life is up on the internet.
He was born in Hawaii, came to LA to do comedy but just ended up drinking in San Pedro for a year before doing anything.
He got a job as a PA on the second season of The Andy Milonakis Show before being fired and then immediately rehired as a writer. He "f***ed up-wards."
He used to roadie for some bands like Dios Malos and Giant Drag.
He's on G4 TV a lot.
He did a small tour with Sean O'Conner in the fall called "STILL BORN in the USA".
He HATES writing about himself.

And here is how Jonah answered The LP Questionnaire...

Name: Jonah Ray
Pro Wrestling Name: Bulldog Bear, which makes sense because I shit and sleep all the time.

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind). Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend. When i was 15 the year was 1997 and I was probably about 300 lbs. and not really making mix tapes for ANYBODY but myself...and Abbie, the girl I had a crush on. Too bad it was her chubby friend that liked me... I wasn't having that...too much flesh.

Three songs I was probably putting on every mix tape were "Peter Brady" by Screeching Weasel, "Start Today" by Gorilla Biscuits, and the cover of Elvis Costello's "Hand in Hand" by Scared of Chaka. All I listened to was pop punk and hardcore.

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? I think the best evil villain that would make a good president is George W. Bush. BASS! POLITICAL JAB!!!

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? My favorite cartoon as a kid was Muppet Babies. I couldn't handle the risque humour of the grown up Muppets...just the baby versions. Didnt you ever see the prequel to Cool World? So much easier to swallow.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? I wish I could walk on water, but I'd only wanna do that when the water was SO cold it had frozen over or something crazy like that. But at the rate things are going, I doubt I'll ever be able to realize this "superpower"....thanks a lot GEORGE W BOOSH! BOOM!!! BAM!!!! yet another slam on the U, S of A!

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? What if I Tried? A Story of an Unknown Comedian

Secret Talents of the Dancing with the Stars

Oh my God. I'm embarrassed to even be witnessing this new show called Secret Talents of the Stars.

A few questions.

1. George Takei. Why??!! I want to love and respect you, dude.

2. Who is the asshole judge? Sorry I just used a swear word, but man... whoever you are, smarmbot, you are not English, therefore your sleazebag snarkiness doesn't quite work. You just sound like a d**k (and I don't mean dork).

Apparently this judge is called Gavin Polone. Does anybody care? Not me.

3. Debbie Reynolds. Why??!! I want to love and respect you, Deb. Singin' in the Rain is one of my all time favorite movies.

Clint Black is about to do stand up comedy. With the help of Garry Shandling. God help us all.

I'm very sad to report that Adam Carolla is out on Dancing with the Stars. He was my fave (besides Marlee Matlin). Priscilla Presley's face continues to completely freak me out. I feel bad for saying that, but I mean, she looks like she was put together by Play-Doh. Tom says she looks like Clayface from Batman. I don't know what that means.

But I am mean,
Ms. P

The LP Questionnaire - Eugene Mirman

This originally came from the SXSW blog, but Eugene Mirman is so awesome he deserves a double.

When Eugene was in the 8th grade he once got a -8 on a homework assignment for math class (I guess this was that new math they were trying to teach us back in the 80s). One time at a party he defeated the girl who was the backgammon champion of Chicago.

In the 6th grade his dog got hit by a car and died, and a girl told him that his dog committed suicide because it didn't love him (and that is one of the most tragic stories ever).

Name: Eugene Mirman
Pro Wrestling Name: King Frost (the female version is Miss Freak)

1. Pretend you're 15 (and tell us what year it is, if you don't mind). Name three songs you'd put on a mix tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend.

The year is 1990. I would put "What It Takes" by Aerosmith (or "Janie's Got A Gun" if I was in a goofball mood), "Sweet Child 'O Mine" by Guns 'N Roses and "Stuck Inside A Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again" by Bob Dylan.

2. Which evil villain would make the best president? Magneto, because he is good natured, and he's also well informed.

3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Superfriends, I think. I also liked Galaxy Rangers and Transformers.

4. What superpower do you wish you had? It's so hard to pick just one, because they are all so good (except if your power was throwing up a lot and not noticing it). It would definitely be fun to fly. However, it would also be great to shoot beams out of your mind. I guess I would have to say telekinesis, because it's the most versatile. I'd want to be a much more powerful version of Scott Baio's character from Zapped! (I'd also take my powers more seriously than he did) and also from Zapped Again! (which I have not seen, but I imagine must be very, very similar to Zapped!).

5. What would the title of your autobiography be? It would either be Eugene Mirman: The Story Of Oddball Immigrant Man or Please Don't Shit There: The Life And Times Of Eugene Mirman. Regardless, it would have a giant sticker on it that said, “Now With More Swears!”

Thanks for joining us for this edition of The LP Questionnaire. Jonah Ray coming up tomorrow. I heard recently that Warren Ellis will be at Wizard World Chicago so I'll have to dust that one off and give it a post (and yes, I'm sitting on all manner of excellent LPQ's because I'm totally lame).

You have a good day!
Ms. P

Ink Blot

I've been researching tattoo artwork over the last few days and was sad to read that legendary tattoo artist Rollo Banks died last year. I'm so out of it. Rollo did my third and last tattoo 16 years ago. I'm looking forward to reworking my two China Sea pieces into something new this fall when I go to LA.

It's amazing how many Christian tattoos are out there. And how many bad ones (of which I have... three, though to be fair my Rollo piece has held up amazingly well save the lettering which I want to cover, anyway). However, I saw at least two tats that had the word "porn" on them. Seriously? Also, when and why did tramp stamps become so popular? My friend Danny and I used to see them and say, "She got the memo" (like, there must have been some memo that went out telling all the ladies, this is the new hot spot).

I'm watching Step Up and it's as bad on the small screen as it was on the big. I wonder if a woman will win Dancing with the Stars this year. The men seem very... dull (with the notable exception of Adam Carolla who can apparently ride a unicycle). I'm pulling for Marlee Matlin and think Priscilla Presley should go next if for no other reason than I have a hard time looking at her.

I've been tuning in to The Martha Stewart Show because it's cupcake week (and if you don't know, I am a cupcake fiend and have sampled them from coast to coast - okay, sampled is probably the wrong word and "devoured in large quantities" is probably more apt). The guests and audience seem afraid of her. It's rather amusing but not amusing enough to keep watching once cupcake week is over. They did feature some pretty sweet custom made AG jeans, though. If only I had $600 to spend. On jeans. Yeah right.

Lastly, I still get at least three hits a day on this blog from people Googling "Does Bret Michaels wear a hair piece?" Can people really be asking this (meaning, good lord the answer is oh so obvious).

Pop tarts,
Ms. P

Chicken House of Poo

I'm watching Anthony Bourdain travel through Korea and here are two things I don't get:

1. How people can eat chicken feet and ass. Especially MY people!

2. Anthony Bourdain.

I'm off to watch a chili cook-off,
Ms. P

Sushi and James Bond

My first post-cleanse meal... sushi at Tokyo. How I love that restaurant. It's on Lime Kiln. They have the best seaweed salads and avocado rolls. Yum.

Now I'm lying in bed watching Casino Royale. This movie is better than I remembered. When I first saw it the whole James Bond in love thing totally made me gag, but now I'm kind of sad to see Vesper die a rather gruesome drowning death. Furthermore, I totally get Tom's celeb crush on Eva Green. Daniel Craig's CPR methods leave a lot to be desired, though, I must say.

I love having this blog because I can write whatever I want, no matter how dull (unlike my SXSW blog where I only sound like an idiot about music).

Tonight's confession... I'm secretly jealous that fellow Velocity writer Lauren Titus can get away with wearing a t-shirt that says, "Vagina." I don't want to wear a shirt with the word 'v' printed on it, per se, I just want the guts to wear a shirt like that. Instead I must settle for a murderous teddy bear.

Now I'm watching Notting Hill,
Ms. P

ps. I changed the channel to SNL. Christopher Walken is so awesome (but that's just stating the obvious).

A Little Salt and Pepper on the Beef

So, I'm sitting here watching Emeril Live and I guess I just don't understand foodies.

He put onions in a pot and the audience went wild.

He put rosemary in the pot and everyone went "oooooh."

I did see a good recipe during a commercial for quinoa with roasted garlic and red peppers with basil. I don't know how to cook but I'm going to attempt to make it. I have somehow convinced myself after ten days of watching the Food Network that I can do this, too.

If all else fails I bought four boxes of cereal today so I can always just eat that.

Back to the OJ,
Ms. P

Top Chef: Film Food

Spoilers... alerting you.

I meant to write yesterday and do some little thing about how on April 1, 1971 yours truly came to America and isn't that funny that I was a wee April Fool's joke, etc etc. However, the fact that I came here 37 years ago just isn't that fascinating. However, as I'm now on Day 10 of the Master Cleanse, I did wonder if my Korean genetics would have done better on a not so American diet, but I'm sure everyone would be slightly rotund after living on white chocolate mochas... and ice cream... for four years...

Whenever I do the MC (this is my third time) I become obsessed with any kind of cooking show. So here I am watching Top Chef, a series I'm trying to get into, but am having trouble with. The contestants seem whiny, the food not that interesting, and it's hard to judge something you can't taste. At least with Project Runway, ANTM et al you can see the clothes, the models, etc - you can judge as actively as anyone else.

I'm definitely looking forward to Step It Up & Dance, which starts tomorrow. I will watch anything about dance except Dancing with the Stars... until this season. The lure of Marlee Matlin and Kristi Yamaguchi was just too great. Priscilla Presley totally freaks me out, and Steve Guttenberg, the devil, is now gone.

But back to Top Chef... the challenge seems to be make food in the style of a film for Richard Roeper and Aisha Tyler. BFD, right? Maybe if I ate meat or knew how to cook this would be more appealing? I do like watching people chop things and stuff (although hearing "pack up your knives and go home" always makes me cringe. That's definitely the worst auf wiedersehen of the Bravo reality shows).

Is high drama really watching a Whole Foods employee say, "Sea bass is a great fish?" Seriously? Oh my God! There's no rack of lamb to spare!

They keep calling Aisha Tyler an actress. I thought she hosted something on E!?? Okay, I just looked her up on IMDB. She is an actress. Sort of.

Now we're treated to a dinner party with Roeper, Tyler, the weird Top Chef host and a bunch of food snobs (I am not a food snob although I had some lik 'm aid recently and that stuff is nasty... I can't believe I loved it as a kid. Anyway, I'm just a regular snob). The first course is Willy Wonka (they kept talking about Oompa Loompas, but I don't see any on the plate), the second Good Morning Vietnam (err, ok, no Robin Williams on the plate, either). Next up is Il Postino (no Kevin Costner? Oh, wrong movie?) , followed by A Christmas Story (I'm the only person I know who can't stand that film). Everyone just loves the C'mas Story dish. Listening to these people talk about the vibrancy of the food is making me lose my appetite and after ten days of no eating that is quite a feat.

Here comes Talk to Her in the form of some lamb thing. Have you seen how cute lambs are? I could never eat one never mind eat one and think about Pedro Almodovar, who I love. The final dish is Top Secret, Val Kilmer's finest film. Somehow this comedy gets turned into New York Strip steak and braised short rib with carmelized apples. "Does this say Val Kilmer in a cow suit? I don't know," says one of the guests. That is... deep.

The judges deliberate, and I guess Top Secret did say Val Kilmer in a cow suit as it's one of the favorites and they praise its harmoniousness. And the winner is Richard, the fauxhawked Willy Wonka guy. OMG, who's going to pack their knives up?! Manuel. He takes it like a man. Good on you, Manuel.

Tomorrow I get to drink orange juice! Oh boy!
Ms. P