The Golden Globes - Yes Virginia, There Is a Red Carpet

**WARNING... THIS POST IS A) LONG AND B) CONTAINS AN UGLY BETTY SPOILER, BUT IT IS ALSO C) TOTES ENTERTAINING, Y'ALL!**

Okay, maybe not, but here we are and it's hard to believe it was only a year ago that we were tortured by Billy Bush announcing the winners at a celebrity-less strike destroyed 2008 Golden Globes "ceremony." I'll spare you the very obvious Bush/torture joke, but man, I'm still repressing the memories of that night.

I've been watching the E! Red Carpet coverage for about an hour now, and usually these evenings start with me full of joie de vivre, ready for some hot award action but when all is said and done, I'm generally listless, crabby and fairly nauseated by all the self-congratulation in the air.

However, seeing as I've already watched Debbie Matenopoulos lick a model's face while she got a pepper mask (it's organic! It's edible!) and refer to Chanel couture as a "Vampire wedding dress," I think we're off to a smashing start.

So far, they've only been interviewin' foreigners (don't they know that showing up on time is UNCOOL), but representing Australia is Ryan Kwanten (with clothes on), England, Ricky Gervais (self-effacing as ever) and Ireland, Jonathan Rhys Meyers (still totally ruined for me because of Velvet Goldmine).

They just announced that Ashley Jensen is leaving Ugly Betty. BOO!!

Oh look, it's E from Entourage. I got suckered into thinking Kevin Connolly was cute for about half a second then he started dating Nicky Hilton and, you know, yick. Also, those dudes are girlier than the ladies of Sex and the City.

Jennifer Morrison (from House) is wearing Oscar de la Renta and still looks weird as a blonde.

She's followed by Jesse Spencer, her ex-fiance. Kind of amusing. Kind of sad that I know this, but even Tom recently referenced some wedding magazine they were on the cover of. Speaking of Tom, he leaves for Australia tomorrow... the land from whence Jesse Spencer came. Don't you just love when it all comes full circle? (Actually, technically he's going to New Zealand then Australia, but that would have ruined the bit.)

Rumer Willis is this year's Miss Golden Globe. She's getting prettier and doesn't seem too traumatized by having Ashton Kutcher as a stepfather.

Ooh, the cast of Slumdog Millionaire. How come English teenagers (in this case Dev Patel) always sound more intelligent than American (R-Patz excluded)? Freida Pinto is a babe and wants Jack Nicholson to be her lifeline. Anil Kapoor wants to meet Tom Cruise (how nice that someone still does).

Alec Baldwin is blowing bubbles and his hair is looking quite... steely. Last week's 30 Rock was one of my fave episodes EVER. "Thank you for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post!"

I find it hard to believe that Eva Longoria can breathe in her Reem Acra dress. Now she's trapped by Aaron Eckhart who asks her if she's drunk (okay, those weren't his exact words but it sounds funnier that way).

Is there a red carpet event that Debra Messing won't go to? Just wondering.

Oh look, another Aussie! Simon Baker... and Jesse Spencer... and Ryan Kwanten... have made me re-think blonds. I really resisted the lure of SB for a long time, but I just lurv The Mentalist.

Oh GAG, why are The Jonas Brothers here??!!! WHY?!!

Also, why is Evan Rachel Wood here? Oh, she's in The Wrestler. I hear she's dating Jason Segel now. That's quite a change from Marilyn Manson.

Kevin Nealon just told Giuliana DePandi, I mean Rancid, I mean Rancic, that his two year old is producing the GGs. She did not look impressed.

Susan Sarandon is wearing Stuart Weitzman shoes. God, I used to love her. Then came Elizabethtown... and the wrap party... and a song about Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

I've dumped Ryan Seacrest for the hi-def waters of NBC. Unfortunately it's the hi-def waters of JoBro. I CAN'T ESCAPE. Oh blargh... it's Nancy O'Dell.

I fast forwarded to Rainn Wilson. Did I ever blog about how I saw him at Ammo once, and I couldn't figure out who he was? I thought he was someone I worked with in the music biz and then, well, my friend George corrected me. Boy did I feel stupid!

Peter Gabriel is here representing former members of Genesis who now write milquetoasty songs for animated films. But Pete's just tryin' to save the world, yo.

America Ferrara looks lovely, but I have to say I am uber sick of Betty's braces. Who works as the assistant to the Editor-In-Chief of a fashion magazine for three years and doesn't pluck their eyebrows? Seriously. Ferrara's normal palor serves only to accentuate O'Dell's creepy orange fake tan.

OH MY GOD IT'S TIKI BARBER!!!

Amanda Seyfried does not appear to be a rocket scientist. Good thing she's so beautiful (and she can sing!). What do people like me who are not transcendentally beautiful OR geniusly smart do? We blog and make snarky comments about those who are... and hope that someone... somewhere... chortles just a bit.

Is this the longest red carpet in the world? FF is my new BFF.

I'm really not into Blake Lively's dress. Her hair looks beachy and rad, though. She brought her dad (who played her dad in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), but no Penn Badgley in sight. LET THE RUMORS BEGIN!

I'm starting to feel sorry for Aaron Eckhart. All he's done so far is talk about Heath Ledger (I mean when he wasn't asking Eva Longoria if she'd knocked back a few). The cold hearted LP will admit something kinda goofy here... I actually shed a tear when he won Best Supporting Actor at the Critics Choice Awards.

Guess who's being interviewed alongside Beyonce? Sigourney Weaver. Yeah! That's not an odd couple or anything. Sigourney says she wants to dance like Beyonce. I bet she wants to climb the rope. Fabulous!

Zac Efron just heard that Dustin Hoffman was waiting for Zac to finish his interview because he's up next and Efron replied, "Let's hurry up. He needs this." Speechless. Granted, I grudgingly admit it seems more like young Zac was tongue-tied, but still...

Drew Barrymore pierced her tongue and for some reason it's made her annoying. Or was she annoying before and I never noticed? Never Been Kissed, never forget!

Oooh, Jeremy Piven's here. I guess dangerously high levels of Mercury don't preclude you from going to awards shows. Or Thailand. Or hitting on waitresses. Tool. We used to get our brows done by the same person. True story!

For some reason this is the night of the anti-cleave. Everyone's got boob smashing dresses on. I don't get it.

Hayden Panettiere looks real psyched about presenting with Zac Efron. Maybe she heard he dissed Dustin.

Steven Spielberg, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and Will Arnett are being interviewed by Nancy O'Dell. Nancy is totally blocking Spielberg. And scene.

Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr and Sting are being interviewed by Nancy O'Dell. Nancy is totally blocking Cruise. And scene.

Thank God this thing is starting in five minutes.

And thank God Salma Hayek is here to bring in the boobs.

I'll be back later with show coverage. It will be long. It will be painful at times but by God there will be DRAMZ!

(If you're not sick of me yet, you can peruse my show coverage here.)

SAG Awards: Sagging in Style

I used to be somewhat fascinated by red carpet coverage but watching this nitwit named Debbie Matenopoulos (or something) ask Ricky Gervais how he feels about Steve Carrell being more famous than him... Seriously. Painful. Not that Giuliana Rancic is any better. I must confess I am seeing better dresses (Becki Newton is a mermaid again, Diane Lane looks hot) than the last couple awards shows I've written about. Oh look, there's Teri Hatcher. Someone please ask her why Susan is such a loser!

The actors are thrilled to be gussied up and getting the attention they've been missing since the Golden Globes were canceled. (Debbie just called Eric Mabius Eric Mabion. What an idiot, but look, there's Mr. Jay!) Now Tina Fey's being subjected to the Glam Cam while Giuliana asks her if her daughter is funny. Like she's going to say no? I might have to stop watching the red carpet coverage. It's making me sick.

Ellen Pompeo is annoying and wearing a satin sheet. Ellen Page is not (annoying or wearing a satin sheet), but I don't know what's up with that hair.

Rainn Wilson is on my lame list now for saying "my cast."

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt hath arrived. She's wearing... some sort of odd drapery that her boobs are about to fall out of. It's voluminous. Maybe all the kids are hiding underneath.

I'm surprised no one's mentioned Heath Ledger, but I have been hitting fast forward quite a lot. Ahh, Ryan Gosling and his sister just did. They're wearing little black ribbons and RG says the media should leave Ledger's friends and family alone. Amen to that. Rancic is having a moment of amnesia because she's all "Absolutely, I can't believe all the speculation!" while apparently forgetting just who she works for.

Okay, on to the awards...

Ahh, it's anecdotal "I'm an actor" time. Look, there's Laura Leighton! I kind of miss her. Good old Sydney. Sandra Oh is an actor... in a bad dress. Jane Krawkowski was kind of funny... until she applauded for herself.

First up...
Best Actor in a TV Drama: The actors, apparently making up for the Emmy snub, voted for James Gandolfini. They're on their feet as JG makes a spectacularly dull speech.

Nikki Blonsky just asked for some cheap applause as she and John Travolta introduce Hairspray, which is up for best ensemble.

Debra Messing and Zac Effron (never thought I'd see those two together, but it's fitting since they're both annoying as hell) present Best Actress in a TV Drama. The winner: Edie Falco. Viva Sopranos, I guess. I never watched that show. Well, I did and I got all warm and fuzzy over Tony and then he shot someone in the head. So that was pretty much it for me.

Has anyone noticed The Actor statue has quite a, err, package? The Actor is no Ken doll.

Outstanding Ensemble in a Drama Series: Quelle surprise, The Sopranos beats out Boston Legal and its annoying theme song, The Closer, Grey's Anatomy, and Mad Men. I actually wrote that sentence before they even announced the winner. Actors are so predictable!

I can't believe Emile Hirsch got cute. Didn't see that one coming. The cast of Into the Wild is also up for Best Ensemble in a film.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Javier Bardem for No Country for Old Men which also means no award for old man Hal Holbrook. I read an interview with HH recently that bummed me out. Instead of reflecting upon his many achievements instead he looked back on a career full of missed opportunities. Sad.

Actress in a Comedy Series: Tina Fey. Excellent. She was up against Christina Applegate, though, so it must not have been too hard to win. She's endearingly self-effacing as she compares herself to Fred Astaire's hat rack.

Actor in a Comedy Series: Alec Baldwin. I guess no one understands calling your kid a "rude little pig" better than your fellow actors. I'm glad AB's been forgiven as he's way too awesome on 30 Rock. Besides, though I found his behavior fairly reprehensible, this is also why I don't have kids. I would be way too tempted to say the same thing someday. Isn't that awful? Yeah.

Some lady with weird glasses (Ruby Dee) introduces American Gangster, also up for Best Film Ensemble.

Comedy Series Ensemble: 30 Rock has to win. Desperate Housewives cannot win. Entourage is a comedy? I don't watch The Office. I love Ugly Betty, but lately it makes me cry more than laugh. Also, America Ferrara's losing too much weight. NOOOO!! How could 30 Rock not win? Pffft. Grudging kudos to the cast of The Office.

Time for a SAG infomercial followed by an Alan Rosenberg appearance. He's the President of SAG, and I used to love him on LA Law. He's also married to that hottie Marg Helgenberger.

Denis Leary and Burt Reynolds present Charles Durning with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Durning seems a bit frail, but he's charming and I love that he's married to his childhood sweetheart.

Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries: I haven't seen any of these films. I don't watch TV movies unless they're on Lifetime. Kevin Kline wins for something or other, and he's not even there to accept it.

3:10 to Yuma is introduced by Ben Foster (Angel from X-Men: The Crap Stand). He's 27 but looks 17.

Mickey Rooney (he's still alive?!!) comes out to give the award for Actress in a Television Movie or Miniseries. Euw. There's Debra Messing again. Clapping for herself. When and why did they all start doing that? So tacky. Rooney keeps calling it a tie, Messing looks like she's going to cry, and Queen Latifah (or Miss Latifah as Rooney calls her) wins the award.

Josh Brolin introduces the In Memoriam montage. Poor Brad Renfro. Sam the Butcher (Allan Melvin)! Ahh, Robert Goulet. Marcel Marceau (who will carry the mime torch now?) Heath Ledger, strangely, got nothing but a two-second flash on the screen. I guess he was added on? I'm still baffled by how sad his death made me.

Viggo Mortensen is sporting some really unfortunate facial hair. Also, his burgundies don't match (vest and tie). I still heart him, though. He's here to present Best Supporting Actress in a Film to Ruby Dee who looks like she doesn't realize her name's been called.

Is this show going to end anytime soon? I'm on Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow now and the Clock Tower awaits.

Tommy Lee Jones introduces No Country for Old Men which wins (I skipped ahead). Josh Brolin rambled on while Woody Harrelson reminded him to thank the Coen Brothers.

Oh oh! It's Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey! I so don't want to see their new movie. They give the Best Actor in a Film award to Daniel Day Lewis who looks exactly the same as when he won the Oscar for My Left Foot. Goodness, the crowd is on its feet. I guess my friend George was right about his performance in There Will Be Blood. He dedicates his Actor to Heath Ledger in a classy and moving speech.

Best Actress in a Film goes to Julie Christie for Away From Her. I really need to see that movie as I'm a big admirer of Sarah Polley.

Tom Cruise is brave to show his face in public as he announces Best Ensemble in a Film. Too bad he doesn't get to present the award to his fellow Scientologist John Travolta as the aforementioned No Country for Old Men takes home the top prize.

Thank you and good night,
Ms. P