Oh God... here we go again. Why do I do this to myself? To you? I'm turning 40 in two weeks... I may use that as an excuse to stop doing this, but... you know... probably not.
I'm becoming kinda like John McEnroe when he interviews the French Open winners. You know how he always manages to bring up how he never won? Yes, I'm like that with the 40 thing. I CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Oh oops, it's starting...
Part I
9.00 pm - R-Patz really did cut all his hair off. The reports are true, ladies.
9.01 pm - Is Tom Cruise really relevant to the youth market?
9.01 pm - Oh, I guess he is when paired with R-Patz and Taylor Lautner.
9.02 pm - And Michael Cera.
9.02 pm - and Jaden Smith.
9.04 pm - "I don't understand why they're doing jokes on a movie that came out two years ago." - Tom. Also, Tom thinks Aziz is pronounced, "As-Is." Also also, Tom started a Formspring thing, too. Now you can ask him anything. I wonder if he will regret this someday. Then again, so far no one's asked him anything so maybe not.
9.07 pm - From lampooning Precious (wha?) to Justin Bieber. Go ahead and kill me now, please.
9.12 pm - Oh awesome, it's Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, and David Spade. Another youth market push, I see. They present Best Female Performance to Kristen Stewart for New Moon. The homicidal rage is building. I want to win awards for being catatonic for two hours. I like how I'm getting pissy about something that doesn't matter in the slightest. That is just excellent. People are starving and I'm getting stroppy about K-Stew beating Sandra Bullock.
9.19 pm - Tom is not impressed with J-Woww's boobs. This is one of many reasons why I like him.
9.21 pm - It sounded like Aziz pronounced Russell Brand "Russell Bland." Diddy is dressed like one of the metal dudes from Plano East Senior High circa 1987. He, RB, and Jonah Hill are here to hype Get Him To The Greek, I mean give an award to Anna Kendrick for Breakout Star for, thank God, not New Moon but Up in the Air.
9.26 pm - Ed Helms is playing the piano and singing. Ken Jeong is wearing a tiger print leotard and doing interpretive dance. Tom Cruise is ruining things. Then again, how do you spoil that which was not fresh to begin with?
9.29 pm - Tom Cruise and J-Lo. What year is it, again? I should probably explain that Tom Cruise has been doing everything as his Les Grossman character from Tropic Thunder but that won't make it any better.
I guess I'll post now... back in 30... or 40... or never. Just kitten.
Part II
9.36 pm - Amanda Seyfried wins an award for Best Scared as Sh*t Performance for Jennifer's Body. Over Sharlto Copley in District 9. He looks disappointed. That's cool, Shar, I AM TOO, MAN.
9.41 pm - Apparently the cast of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World will be doing something soon brought to us by Orbit. I bet it will be awesome.
9.44 pm - Best Kiss goes to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson for New Moon. The only thing I remember about that movie is R-Patz saying, "You give me everything by breathing." And I only remember that because it made me vomit.
9.48 pm - "California Girls" by Katy Perry is a summer smash? Summer hasn't even officially started yet. This song is making me lose my will to live. To be fair, there is a Katy Perry song that I actually like, but I'm not going to tell you which one it is. Too embarrassing.
9.58 pm - The lads from Human Giant try to save the day with their bit, Stunt Kidz.
9.59 pm - Betty White also tries to saves the day. For the next few minutes, anyway. She, Bradley Cooper and, inexplicably, Scarlett Johansson (standing in for her husband? Can't tell and neither can she it seems) are here to present the Generation Award to Sandra Bullock. If Betty White can't make you feel better about your husband cheating on you with a Nazi tattooed slut, who can?
10.09 pm - Oh, I get it. Scarlett Johansson is here to make out with Sandra Bullock.
10.10 pm - It's impossible not to love SB, isn't it? I wonder when how likable she is will backlash? God, I hope she never turns into Julia Roberts.
10.11 pm - The cast of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is using the F-word. A lot. Apparently there's a WTF Moment award and it goes to Ken Jeong for The Hangover. Gotta give it up for the Asian power although I can't say that scene had a lot of... ummm... power.
10.14 pm - Aziz Ansari is channeling R. Kelley which means...
It's time to publish again. See you at the end of the line.
Part III
10.17 pm - Someone please explain Eva Mendes' garment to me.
10.18 pm - The thing that is happening onstage right now is commonly referred to as a "hot mess," I believe. Is that Marky Mark up there? And Will Farrell? And The Rock? And Samuel L. Jackson? Yeah...
10.19 pm - Best Villain goes to Tom Felton for whatever the last Harry Potter movie was. he seems like a very nice boy and appears to be nothing like that dreadful Draco Malfoy.
10.25 pm - I bet the patter on this Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan and Shaun White is going to be bril. They present Biggest Badass Star to Rain. Holy cow. I am actually stunned. No one seems to know who the hell he is. Especially Paris Hilton. This is hilar.
10.31 pm - My friend PGG thought the New Moon trailer was another parody. Enough said.
10.37 pm - R-Patz wins Best Male Performance. Somewhere Taylor Lautner is weeping with his baggies of meat.
10.39 pm - "Christina Aguilera's trying to be Lady Gaga." - Tom
10.41 pm - X-tina has a light up heart on her crotch. File under things I wish I'd never seen.
10.42 pm - I now live in a world where I can say, "I liked Katy Perry better than Christina Aguilera." Unbelievable.
10.45 pm - Cutaways to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton + Aguilera and J-Lo = relevance taking a backseat to hume city.
10.47 pm - I sent that line to PGG and she said, "Population: Us for watching." Too true and too good.
10.50 pm - It's possible that I need a swagger coach just like Zach Galifianakis. Or is that swagga coach? K-Stew and R-Patz apparently do not if their tepid applause is any indication.
10.51 pm - I suspect that Zac Efron is on his way to a divorce from reality a la Tom Cruise. Just a feeling. I hope Oprah's couch is ready.
10.51 pm - Best Comedic Performance goes to Zach Galifianakis for The Hangover. Ta'Avon, Zach's swagga coach, you know, accepts for him. Ta'Avon looks suspiciously like Aziz Ansari. Ta'Avon is funner than Aziz Ansari, though. Tonight, anyway.
10.54 pm - This is almost over. The gladness is starting to fill my soul.
10.58 pm - In the final "2005 called, it wants its awards show back" moment of the night, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz show up to give Best Movie to... New Moon. I totally wrote that sentence before they announced it... and not because I'm psychic. Peter Facinelli accepts for the cast and says F a lot. Except to Stephenie Meyer because she's Mormon.
11.00 pm - My ellipses and I are going to bed. Goodnight.
Showing posts with label mtv movie awards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mtv movie awards. Show all posts
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Live Blogging The MTV Movie Awards... Really
9.00 pm Inexplicable opening sequence featuring host Andy Samberg injecting himself into all the great, great movies of 2008/2009 including, err, The Reader. Yes... when I think MTV Movie Awards I think heavy handed Kate Winslet Nazi vehicle.
9.03 pm Naked Andy Samberg. Not naked Justin Timberlake. JT tells Andy his penis looks like Fergie. Did he really just say that?
9.05 pm First of what is sure to be many many cutaways to R-Patz! Andy's telling the audience it's okay to fart.
9.06 pm Keyboard Kat!!!
9.07 pm AS is rapping... and it's not funny. Just look at Megan Fox. She totally agrees if her bitchface is any indicator.
9.11 pm Breakthrough Performance Female goes to Ashley Tisdale for High School Musical 3. The first, well not the first but the biggest indication that we are not watching the Oscars. Sharpay is a brunette now. Crap, I can't believe I pulled out that Sharpay ref without even having to look it up. Sigh.
9.14 & 9.20 pm Oh look there's Shia. He's not carrying anything right now. The winners for Best Fight are, unsurprisingly, Robert Pattinson and Cam Gigandet from Twilight. I can hear girls screeching all the way from LA. R-Patz has a giant head, doesn't he?
9.23 pm EMINEM! He's back! His hair is freshly darkened, too, just like Sharpay! I wonder what awesome misogynistic, homophobic violent lyrics he's going to drop on us tonight. I say this and I actually kind of like Eminem. Especially the green ones.
9.28 pm This Eminem thing is still going on... Miley Cyrus is rocking out... sort of. I wonder if Eminem will diss her like Radiohead did.
9.33 pm Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell are scaring me with their Bruce Springsteen and Neil Diamond impersonations as they do the "Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions" montage with... uh... JJ Abrams.
9.37 pm Vanessa Hudgens is showing a lot of boob and looking confused as she and Jonah Hill present Breakthrough Perfomance Male to, quelle surprise, Robert Pattinson. Why don't they just call these the MTV R-Patz Awards?
9.42 pm I can't believe this thing has only been on for 42 minutes. Life force draining away by the overwhelming force of tweenage.
9.44 pm BRUNO!! Flying in on angel wings! Holy freaking cow! Showing a whole lot of booty, Sacha Baron Cohen is dropped crotch into face onto Eminem who is NOT AMUSED and is now LEAVING THE BUILDING after using the F-WORD A LOT. That was just... mind boggling. Even more hilarious is the fact that he announces Zac Efron for Best Male Performance and Zac goes from looking confused to giving some semi-heartwarming serious speechy with his extreme side parted hair.
People on Twitter are positing that was Eminem acting. Maybe so.
9.55 pm Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are here to present Best Kiss. Sandra tells Ryan if he wants to get nominated next year he needs to start kissing some dudes. Ryan replies, "Well, I kissed you." The winners are... good lord... Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Vanessa Hudgens actually looks disappointed that she didn't win.
10.00 pm Okay, I never ever thought I'd see LeAnn Rimes singing "I jizzed in my pants." I hope it's okay that I just wrote that sentence.
10.02 pm Forest Whitaker is singing "Dick In A Box." I think the world just ended and this is the spirit me carrying on with this blog post.
10.03 pm Hayden Panettiere just said the F word... several times... and rapped. She's come a long way from Remember the Titans. She and some dude presented Best WTF Moment to Amy Poehler. She swears a lot, too, in her acceptance speech. I've been on the fence about my potty mouth but that just clinched it for me. No more of this cussing business.
10.07 pm Leighton Meester looks taller when not standing next to Blake Lively. She and Lil Wayne present Best Song in a Movie to Miley Cyrus for some Hannah Montana crap. She thanks God.
10.17 pm R-Patz, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner present some exclusive New Moon clip. I'm so tired of watching KS act tense and awkward. Doesn't she have any other expression? Oh my goodness, that wolf looks like the worst CGI I've ever seen. I bet Catherine Hardwicke is secretly smirking. Maybe even not so secretly.
10.21 pm Ben Stiller is here to win the Generation lifetime achievement thingy (read: he's here to promote Night at the Museum 2). It's a bit of a mystery as to why Zac Efron, Triumph the Comic Insult Doggie and Keifer Sutherland (who seems to have recovered from his head butting incident) are presenting it to him.
10.29 pm Okay, this Doubt Sega Genesis bit actually made me laugh. Then I heard that Kings of Leon are performing and I was instantly unamused.
10.30 pm Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to you?
10.31 pm I still can't believe that Rafael Nadal lost today at the French Open. The shock is wearing off, though, leaving only a dull numb sort of pain. I think I would be okay with this if Robin Soderling didn't seem like such a douche.
10.36 pm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Kristen Stewart beat out Kate Winslet for Best Female Performance. (Tom says, "Didn't see that coming.") Yes, of course, this makes sense. Oh crud, she just thanked "my cast." Now I dislike her even more.
10.38 pm Kings of Leon are here to stink up this suckfest. How fitting. The audience looks appropriately bored. Caleb's voice sounds completely different from when they first started and yet it still makes me want to vom.
10.49 pm Jim Carrey somehow wins Best Comedic Performance. Yeah, right. We're really meant to believe a bunch of 13 year old girls picked him over James Franco? Who votes for these things, anyway?
Swearing is very in right now, apparently. I've lost count of the bleeps in tonight's telecast. Another reason to stop doing it.
I'll give it up to JC, though, for a) voice over saying they should overturn Prop 8 and b) actually saying there wouldn't be swine flu if we treated the pigs better.
10.55 pm I'm going to start screaming if I see one more commercial for this Killers concert in Indiana. However, it reminds me I need to write that Christmas song, "Are we human, or are we Prancer?"
10.57 pm Denzel Washington classes up the joint by presenting Best Movie to Twilight which was easily the worst of all the nominees. Go figure.
11.00 pm What? It's over? I can go to bed and read now? Huzzah!
11.01 pm Thanks for reading!
9.03 pm Naked Andy Samberg. Not naked Justin Timberlake. JT tells Andy his penis looks like Fergie. Did he really just say that?
9.05 pm First of what is sure to be many many cutaways to R-Patz! Andy's telling the audience it's okay to fart.
9.06 pm Keyboard Kat!!!
9.07 pm AS is rapping... and it's not funny. Just look at Megan Fox. She totally agrees if her bitchface is any indicator.
9.11 pm Breakthrough Performance Female goes to Ashley Tisdale for High School Musical 3. The first, well not the first but the biggest indication that we are not watching the Oscars. Sharpay is a brunette now. Crap, I can't believe I pulled out that Sharpay ref without even having to look it up. Sigh.
9.14 & 9.20 pm Oh look there's Shia. He's not carrying anything right now. The winners for Best Fight are, unsurprisingly, Robert Pattinson and Cam Gigandet from Twilight. I can hear girls screeching all the way from LA. R-Patz has a giant head, doesn't he?
9.23 pm EMINEM! He's back! His hair is freshly darkened, too, just like Sharpay! I wonder what awesome misogynistic, homophobic violent lyrics he's going to drop on us tonight. I say this and I actually kind of like Eminem. Especially the green ones.
9.28 pm This Eminem thing is still going on... Miley Cyrus is rocking out... sort of. I wonder if Eminem will diss her like Radiohead did.
9.33 pm Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell are scaring me with their Bruce Springsteen and Neil Diamond impersonations as they do the "Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions" montage with... uh... JJ Abrams.
9.37 pm Vanessa Hudgens is showing a lot of boob and looking confused as she and Jonah Hill present Breakthrough Perfomance Male to, quelle surprise, Robert Pattinson. Why don't they just call these the MTV R-Patz Awards?
9.42 pm I can't believe this thing has only been on for 42 minutes. Life force draining away by the overwhelming force of tweenage.
9.44 pm BRUNO!! Flying in on angel wings! Holy freaking cow! Showing a whole lot of booty, Sacha Baron Cohen is dropped crotch into face onto Eminem who is NOT AMUSED and is now LEAVING THE BUILDING after using the F-WORD A LOT. That was just... mind boggling. Even more hilarious is the fact that he announces Zac Efron for Best Male Performance and Zac goes from looking confused to giving some semi-heartwarming serious speechy with his extreme side parted hair.
People on Twitter are positing that was Eminem acting. Maybe so.
9.55 pm Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are here to present Best Kiss. Sandra tells Ryan if he wants to get nominated next year he needs to start kissing some dudes. Ryan replies, "Well, I kissed you." The winners are... good lord... Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Vanessa Hudgens actually looks disappointed that she didn't win.
10.00 pm Okay, I never ever thought I'd see LeAnn Rimes singing "I jizzed in my pants." I hope it's okay that I just wrote that sentence.
10.02 pm Forest Whitaker is singing "Dick In A Box." I think the world just ended and this is the spirit me carrying on with this blog post.
10.03 pm Hayden Panettiere just said the F word... several times... and rapped. She's come a long way from Remember the Titans. She and some dude presented Best WTF Moment to Amy Poehler. She swears a lot, too, in her acceptance speech. I've been on the fence about my potty mouth but that just clinched it for me. No more of this cussing business.
10.07 pm Leighton Meester looks taller when not standing next to Blake Lively. She and Lil Wayne present Best Song in a Movie to Miley Cyrus for some Hannah Montana crap. She thanks God.
10.17 pm R-Patz, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner present some exclusive New Moon clip. I'm so tired of watching KS act tense and awkward. Doesn't she have any other expression? Oh my goodness, that wolf looks like the worst CGI I've ever seen. I bet Catherine Hardwicke is secretly smirking. Maybe even not so secretly.
10.21 pm Ben Stiller is here to win the Generation lifetime achievement thingy (read: he's here to promote Night at the Museum 2). It's a bit of a mystery as to why Zac Efron, Triumph the Comic Insult Doggie and Keifer Sutherland (who seems to have recovered from his head butting incident) are presenting it to him.
10.29 pm Okay, this Doubt Sega Genesis bit actually made me laugh. Then I heard that Kings of Leon are performing and I was instantly unamused.
10.30 pm Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to you?
10.31 pm I still can't believe that Rafael Nadal lost today at the French Open. The shock is wearing off, though, leaving only a dull numb sort of pain. I think I would be okay with this if Robin Soderling didn't seem like such a douche.
10.36 pm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Kristen Stewart beat out Kate Winslet for Best Female Performance. (Tom says, "Didn't see that coming.") Yes, of course, this makes sense. Oh crud, she just thanked "my cast." Now I dislike her even more.
10.38 pm Kings of Leon are here to stink up this suckfest. How fitting. The audience looks appropriately bored. Caleb's voice sounds completely different from when they first started and yet it still makes me want to vom.
10.49 pm Jim Carrey somehow wins Best Comedic Performance. Yeah, right. We're really meant to believe a bunch of 13 year old girls picked him over James Franco? Who votes for these things, anyway?
Swearing is very in right now, apparently. I've lost count of the bleeps in tonight's telecast. Another reason to stop doing it.
I'll give it up to JC, though, for a) voice over saying they should overturn Prop 8 and b) actually saying there wouldn't be swine flu if we treated the pigs better.
10.55 pm I'm going to start screaming if I see one more commercial for this Killers concert in Indiana. However, it reminds me I need to write that Christmas song, "Are we human, or are we Prancer?"
10.57 pm Denzel Washington classes up the joint by presenting Best Movie to Twilight which was easily the worst of all the nominees. Go figure.
11.00 pm What? It's over? I can go to bed and read now? Huzzah!
11.01 pm Thanks for reading!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The MTV Movie Awards: Hell is Other People Presenting Awards
Mike Myers is hosting the 2008 MTV Movie Awards. I know we all can't wait for The Love Guru. It looks sooo awesome!
I'm laughing already because as MM was walking out they flashed to Lindsay Lohan and you can clearly see her asking whoever she's with "Should we get up?" as everyone stood to give him his little ovation. At least Lohan looks sober. I actually watched the first episode of Living Lohan and I almost feel sorry for those people. Especially the youngest one.
Oh look, here's Chris Brown. Who the hell is Chris Brown? I am proud to be out of touch at this moment. Oh goodie they're having a Dance-Off. This isn't embarrassing or anything.
And the Popcorn goes to...
Best Female Performer: the first award is presented by Will Smith, Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman. So I guess it wasn't random that Will and Charlize were together at the Pre-Show. Good God her heels are high! Anyway, the winner is Ellen Page for Juno. Didn't see that one coming. She walks up and makes pretend "I'm going to kiss you" motions to Jason Bateman. Euw.
Rainn Wilson does something unfunny.
Best Fight: Will Ferrell and Danny McBride are giving an awkward campaign against illiteracy speech. Who writes this patter?! Where's Bruce Vilanch?! And the winners are Sean Faris and Cam Gigandet from Never Back Down. This was a movie? Sarah Jessica Parker looks excited! How old is this Sean guy and he's thanking his "team"? Yick.
Edward Norton and Liv Tyler come out to introduce Coldplay. I guess everyone's making use of their free movie advertising. Liv Tyler looks REALLY different. And the new Incredible Hulk movie looks REALLY awful. I haven't seen Tim Roth in years and this is what he comes back for? I mean, I realize he's been working regularly but obviously I don't pay attention to much.
Does Chris Martin realize he has confetti stuck to his head? Is Coldplay purposely trying to sound like Arcade Fire?
Best Summer Movie So Far: Seth Rogen and James Franco arrive to smoke pot onstage. Robert Downey Jr. looks confused. How can Sex and the City even win? It opened two days ago. And the winner is Iron Man. I'm so glad Robert Downey Jr. got his crap together and is doing so well. He's a purty good actor and stuff.
Best Male Performance: While they were announcing the nominees Tom said, "Will Smith always has to win something. Don't they give him an award just for showing up?" And then he won.
Wayne's World. Wow. Benji Madden is wearing sunglasses while indoors... in the dark... watching the show. That guys deserves a smack. How did they make Dana Carvey look so young? I love how all the people they keep cutting to were barely alive when WW was running on SNL.
Anyway, Wayne and Garth present a list of Top Ten Porno titles based on recent movies including such gems as The Suck-It List, Scat-atouille, Gush Hour 3, and National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions.
Best Comedic Performance: Steve Carell, Dwayne Johnson and Anne Hathaway... are probably funnier in Get Smart. At least I hope they are because this intro isn't. And the winner is Johnny Depp for whatever that last Pirates of the Caribbean movie was called. Johnny appears out of nowhere looking not unlike he did when he was on 21 Jump Street. Diablo Cody appears like she might faint.
I hope I'm not boring you. It's hard to be sparkly about a show that isn't. I'm not even going to talk about this stupid Verne Troyer licking the Popcorn Orbit ad.
Oh goodie here's Tom Cruise. I watched both this Oprah specials and I really wanted to believe that he's a real person, but ... I just can't. But then I think, oh hey, aren't we all human beings just hoping for the same things? Love, laughter, a good life? And then I remember that no, Tom isn't a human being. He thinks he's an alien. Maybe he's right, but I kinda doubt it.
He's here to present the Lifetime Achievement type award to Adam Sandler. Does MTV have a stake in that Zohan movie or something? Sandler is singing "Nobody Does it Better" about himself. This is... hysterical.
Is this Tropic Thunder viral video thing funny? Why is Jack Black a blond? Okay, Robert Downey Jr. wearing an Iron Man mask while riding Jack Black who's wearing a panda head is making me chuckle. They just blew JB's head off. Rihanna's applauding but she's not laughing. She's going "wow" and not in an amused way it looks like.
Best Breakthrough Performance: Ha ha ha, Diddy, Lindsay Lohan and Verne Troyer are presenting. That joke just writes itself! They're riffing on Hillary, McCain and Obama. Disturbing. The big winner is Zac Efron which just proves the voters for the MTV Movie Awards are all 13-year old girls. Look how proud Vanessa Hudgens is.
I did not win $50,000 in the Old Navy giveaway. Bummer.
Best Villain: goes to Johnny Depp. Again. This time for Sweeney Todd. Jon Voigt sure is happy for him. JD is chewing gum. While accepting an award. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
The House of Bunny girls (my God, that was Anna Faris?) introduce The Pussycat Dolls. About The Pussycat Dolls I'm going to for once adhere to the old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." This song sucks, though. Oh look, it's the Jabbawockeez! Those guys are bitchin'. They truly were America's Best Dance Crew.
Best Kiss: Megan Fox (boy, she's come a long way from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen) and Rainn Wilson (a semi-naked Rainn Wilson, save the teddy bear covering his privates) present Best Kiss to Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman for Step Up 2 (because the original Step Up was so amazing it deserved a sequel??!). Is Briana related to Greg Evigan? I looked it up. She's his daughter. And now she's making out with a guy on The MTV Movie Awards. BJ must be so proud. Not so sure about the Bear.
I am freaking thrilled we're being treated to this unfunny animal trainer video starring Mike Myers, Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood. Is this show almost over yet? If you thought that animal trainer thing was any good please comment and tell me why. Sometimes I really feel like I just don't get it.
Best Movie: Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr (who gets a ten person standing ovation) arrive to present the biggest award of the night to... (I'm guessing Transformers because I saw Michael Bay in the audience and let's face it, why else would he be there?) Transformers! My powers of deduction are simply awesome! Megan Fox, who just said, "Transformers 2 is going to be f***ing badass" is classy! Not really!
Okay, my life is my own again! Huzzah!
SATC review tomorrow (provided it's not sold out again like it was on Friday),
Ms. P
ps. Yves Saint Laurent RIP
I'm laughing already because as MM was walking out they flashed to Lindsay Lohan and you can clearly see her asking whoever she's with "Should we get up?" as everyone stood to give him his little ovation. At least Lohan looks sober. I actually watched the first episode of Living Lohan and I almost feel sorry for those people. Especially the youngest one.
Oh look, here's Chris Brown. Who the hell is Chris Brown? I am proud to be out of touch at this moment. Oh goodie they're having a Dance-Off. This isn't embarrassing or anything.
And the Popcorn goes to...
Best Female Performer: the first award is presented by Will Smith, Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman. So I guess it wasn't random that Will and Charlize were together at the Pre-Show. Good God her heels are high! Anyway, the winner is Ellen Page for Juno. Didn't see that one coming. She walks up and makes pretend "I'm going to kiss you" motions to Jason Bateman. Euw.
Rainn Wilson does something unfunny.
Best Fight: Will Ferrell and Danny McBride are giving an awkward campaign against illiteracy speech. Who writes this patter?! Where's Bruce Vilanch?! And the winners are Sean Faris and Cam Gigandet from Never Back Down. This was a movie? Sarah Jessica Parker looks excited! How old is this Sean guy and he's thanking his "team"? Yick.
Edward Norton and Liv Tyler come out to introduce Coldplay. I guess everyone's making use of their free movie advertising. Liv Tyler looks REALLY different. And the new Incredible Hulk movie looks REALLY awful. I haven't seen Tim Roth in years and this is what he comes back for? I mean, I realize he's been working regularly but obviously I don't pay attention to much.
Does Chris Martin realize he has confetti stuck to his head? Is Coldplay purposely trying to sound like Arcade Fire?
Best Summer Movie So Far: Seth Rogen and James Franco arrive to smoke pot onstage. Robert Downey Jr. looks confused. How can Sex and the City even win? It opened two days ago. And the winner is Iron Man. I'm so glad Robert Downey Jr. got his crap together and is doing so well. He's a purty good actor and stuff.
Best Male Performance: While they were announcing the nominees Tom said, "Will Smith always has to win something. Don't they give him an award just for showing up?" And then he won.
Wayne's World. Wow. Benji Madden is wearing sunglasses while indoors... in the dark... watching the show. That guys deserves a smack. How did they make Dana Carvey look so young? I love how all the people they keep cutting to were barely alive when WW was running on SNL.
Anyway, Wayne and Garth present a list of Top Ten Porno titles based on recent movies including such gems as The Suck-It List, Scat-atouille, Gush Hour 3, and National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions.
Best Comedic Performance: Steve Carell, Dwayne Johnson and Anne Hathaway... are probably funnier in Get Smart. At least I hope they are because this intro isn't. And the winner is Johnny Depp for whatever that last Pirates of the Caribbean movie was called. Johnny appears out of nowhere looking not unlike he did when he was on 21 Jump Street. Diablo Cody appears like she might faint.
I hope I'm not boring you. It's hard to be sparkly about a show that isn't. I'm not even going to talk about this stupid Verne Troyer licking the Popcorn Orbit ad.
Oh goodie here's Tom Cruise. I watched both this Oprah specials and I really wanted to believe that he's a real person, but ... I just can't. But then I think, oh hey, aren't we all human beings just hoping for the same things? Love, laughter, a good life? And then I remember that no, Tom isn't a human being. He thinks he's an alien. Maybe he's right, but I kinda doubt it.
He's here to present the Lifetime Achievement type award to Adam Sandler. Does MTV have a stake in that Zohan movie or something? Sandler is singing "Nobody Does it Better" about himself. This is... hysterical.
Is this Tropic Thunder viral video thing funny? Why is Jack Black a blond? Okay, Robert Downey Jr. wearing an Iron Man mask while riding Jack Black who's wearing a panda head is making me chuckle. They just blew JB's head off. Rihanna's applauding but she's not laughing. She's going "wow" and not in an amused way it looks like.
Best Breakthrough Performance: Ha ha ha, Diddy, Lindsay Lohan and Verne Troyer are presenting. That joke just writes itself! They're riffing on Hillary, McCain and Obama. Disturbing. The big winner is Zac Efron which just proves the voters for the MTV Movie Awards are all 13-year old girls. Look how proud Vanessa Hudgens is.
I did not win $50,000 in the Old Navy giveaway. Bummer.
Best Villain: goes to Johnny Depp. Again. This time for Sweeney Todd. Jon Voigt sure is happy for him. JD is chewing gum. While accepting an award. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
The House of Bunny girls (my God, that was Anna Faris?) introduce The Pussycat Dolls. About The Pussycat Dolls I'm going to for once adhere to the old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." This song sucks, though. Oh look, it's the Jabbawockeez! Those guys are bitchin'. They truly were America's Best Dance Crew.
Best Kiss: Megan Fox (boy, she's come a long way from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen) and Rainn Wilson (a semi-naked Rainn Wilson, save the teddy bear covering his privates) present Best Kiss to Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman for Step Up 2 (because the original Step Up was so amazing it deserved a sequel??!). Is Briana related to Greg Evigan? I looked it up. She's his daughter. And now she's making out with a guy on The MTV Movie Awards. BJ must be so proud. Not so sure about the Bear.
I am freaking thrilled we're being treated to this unfunny animal trainer video starring Mike Myers, Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood. Is this show almost over yet? If you thought that animal trainer thing was any good please comment and tell me why. Sometimes I really feel like I just don't get it.
Best Movie: Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr (who gets a ten person standing ovation) arrive to present the biggest award of the night to... (I'm guessing Transformers because I saw Michael Bay in the audience and let's face it, why else would he be there?) Transformers! My powers of deduction are simply awesome! Megan Fox, who just said, "Transformers 2 is going to be f***ing badass" is classy! Not really!
Okay, my life is my own again! Huzzah!
SATC review tomorrow (provided it's not sold out again like it was on Friday),
Ms. P
ps. Yves Saint Laurent RIP
Live Blogging the MTV Movie Awards Pre-Show
The MTV Movie Awards are... I mean, are they even real? They seem a bit like if you show up you can get an award but occasionally I've been amused. Where else can you see Jonah Hill hanging out on the red (or in this case gold) carpet with The Rock (although I think he goes by Dwayne Johnson these days)?
7.30 - The lesbian contestant from America's Next Top Model, Kim Stoltz, is interviewing Audrina from The Hills. Kim is way cuter than The Hills chick and I was very excited that she did the intro for a My Morning Jacket MTV piece recently.
7.32 - Ellen Page looks confused. She's with Jason Bateman who's making lame jokes about helicopters. I liked Jason in Arrested Development and all but he kind of creeped me out in Juno. He's talking about Hancock. I want to see that movie.
7.34 - Speaking of Hancock, here's Will Smith... with Charlize Theron and Anne Hathaway (ok, that's random). Charlize looks bored while Anne's talking. Anne's leather dress isn't doing anything for me but neither is Charlize's bustier which looks rather Jean Paul Gaultier circa Madonna.
7.36 - Here's three people I've never heard of who star in a movie called American Mall that sounds like a musical. A bad one. Oh, it's made by the people who brought you High School Musical. CAN'T WAIT!
7.40 - Coldplay looks uncomfortable which makes me like them more. Their Cirque du Soleil marching band costumes are a bit... unfortunate, though. At least they're not wearing douchey hats and skinny jeans.
7.42 - Laura Bell Bundy and some Elle Woods wannabes are ... oh who cares.
7.43 - Some other person I've never heard of is accepting an award for Movie Spoof Winner (he did a Juno thing).
7.44 - The ladies of The House Bunny. Crap, I am out of touch. I haven't heard of half these movies or half of these people. Katharine McPhee is one of them?! And Rumer Willis? And this is about a Playboy bunny? Okay, I guess I have heard of these people... I don't want to see them in a movie about Playboy Bunnies, though...
7.49 - Diddy's here to have a good time. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame now.
7.50 - The Pussycat Dolls. I'm sure I've told the story about how I used to book them at The Viper Room and they would walk around and ask each other if their butts looked big? That was fun. They're with some guy called TI. Texas Instruments?
7.51 - Stephenie Meyer is introducing a clip for Twilight! Oh Boy! I confess I really am looking forward to this movie. I've totally read all the books. For reals! Teenage vampires rule! I mean 200 year old vampires who look like teenagers rule! And look, there's Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. He was way cute in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm not sure about Kristen Stewart with black hair, but I've liked her ever since Panic Room.
7.57 - Sarah Jessica Parker, Willie Garson and... Brendan Fraser??? Brendan Fraser is annoying...
7.58 - But not as annoying as Paris Hilton and Benji Madden (insert gagging sound here). Those Madden twins turned out to be quite the social climbers, didn't they? How very punk rock. About as punk rock as Good Charlotte was. Or is, I guess. I think their lame band is still together. Lucky us.
Okay... let's get this party started... or whatever it is the kids say today...
Back in a bit with a recap of the show,
Ms. P
7.30 - The lesbian contestant from America's Next Top Model, Kim Stoltz, is interviewing Audrina from The Hills. Kim is way cuter than The Hills chick and I was very excited that she did the intro for a My Morning Jacket MTV piece recently.
7.32 - Ellen Page looks confused. She's with Jason Bateman who's making lame jokes about helicopters. I liked Jason in Arrested Development and all but he kind of creeped me out in Juno. He's talking about Hancock. I want to see that movie.
7.34 - Speaking of Hancock, here's Will Smith... with Charlize Theron and Anne Hathaway (ok, that's random). Charlize looks bored while Anne's talking. Anne's leather dress isn't doing anything for me but neither is Charlize's bustier which looks rather Jean Paul Gaultier circa Madonna.
7.36 - Here's three people I've never heard of who star in a movie called American Mall that sounds like a musical. A bad one. Oh, it's made by the people who brought you High School Musical. CAN'T WAIT!
7.40 - Coldplay looks uncomfortable which makes me like them more. Their Cirque du Soleil marching band costumes are a bit... unfortunate, though. At least they're not wearing douchey hats and skinny jeans.
7.42 - Laura Bell Bundy and some Elle Woods wannabes are ... oh who cares.
7.43 - Some other person I've never heard of is accepting an award for Movie Spoof Winner (he did a Juno thing).
7.44 - The ladies of The House Bunny. Crap, I am out of touch. I haven't heard of half these movies or half of these people. Katharine McPhee is one of them?! And Rumer Willis? And this is about a Playboy bunny? Okay, I guess I have heard of these people... I don't want to see them in a movie about Playboy Bunnies, though...
7.49 - Diddy's here to have a good time. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame now.
7.50 - The Pussycat Dolls. I'm sure I've told the story about how I used to book them at The Viper Room and they would walk around and ask each other if their butts looked big? That was fun. They're with some guy called TI. Texas Instruments?
7.51 - Stephenie Meyer is introducing a clip for Twilight! Oh Boy! I confess I really am looking forward to this movie. I've totally read all the books. For reals! Teenage vampires rule! I mean 200 year old vampires who look like teenagers rule! And look, there's Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. He was way cute in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm not sure about Kristen Stewart with black hair, but I've liked her ever since Panic Room.
7.57 - Sarah Jessica Parker, Willie Garson and... Brendan Fraser??? Brendan Fraser is annoying...
7.58 - But not as annoying as Paris Hilton and Benji Madden (insert gagging sound here). Those Madden twins turned out to be quite the social climbers, didn't they? How very punk rock. About as punk rock as Good Charlotte was. Or is, I guess. I think their lame band is still together. Lucky us.
Okay... let's get this party started... or whatever it is the kids say today...
Back in a bit with a recap of the show,
Ms. P
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